Friends then Lovers (then Friends?)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Okay, this is a little complicated, but here is the short version: I met a girl who was a friend of a friend, and we all started hanging out as a group of friends. I already knew I was moving away for work, but she and I had sort of a fling. I moved away, we kept in touch, then we had a long distance relationship. She met someone local and stopped talking to me (he broke her heart). I move back to town and eventually look her up. So far this is spread out over 11 years. Out of the women I have dated, she is the one that I keep thinking about. We start hanging out again, but she tells me we should just be friends. We continue hanging out together and getting along AWESOMELY. I suggest we date, and she agrees. After two weeks of dating she tells me we shouldn’t date anymore. In the meantime, I have fallen head over heels in love with this girl and I am shattered. That happened Monday.

I still think about her constantly. I have read some of the other threads that have similar topics and the consensus is that time heals all wounds (and kills all her patients).

My question is this: After a bit of time, and I stop thinking about her constantly, is it realistic to think that I can be friends with her again? She is officially the coolest girl I know (the former title-holder will not talk to me now – see this thread ).

And for the single girls in KC, Anybody want to go see Guster Friday (tomorrow) night with me, I have an extra ticket that won’t get used.

2

In sort; all of my experience tells me NO!!

I know it sucks but there you have it.

It’s one thing to be adventurous and take a chance on love. It’s a completely different thing to willfully drag your heart through a cheese grinder.

3

I think Shakes nailed it. In sort at least.

4

Nope. If you still have feelings for her, it won’t be fun for either of you.

5

I might mention that if your answer is “No” it is very likely I will stick my fingers in my ears and say “lalalalalala”

Maybe, I’m still in denial.

6

Well, if you’re not going to listen to the advice, why’dya ask for it? :slight_smile:

I think it really depends on the people, and how deep the feelings ran in the relationship. I’ve dated men in the past, who later became friends, although the friendships never really stood the test of time, in most cases. I’ve lost touch with almost all of them, but during the “let’s just be friends” stage following the dating, we managed just fine, and without the awkwardness attributed to such relationships.

I -almost- dated my brother-in-law back in high school (yes, WAY before he was married to my sister). We had an unfullfilled crush on each other back then, at an age where sexual tensions can run pretty high. We laugh about it now, and I am thrilled to call him family. To the best of my knowledge, neither of us has regrets about the way things turned out, and we’re as close as friends can be. I’m blessed to have him as a friend, despite the fact that we broke each other’s hearts back in the day. :wink:

In a philisphical discussion with my husband a few years back, we both agreed that if something were to happen and we ever got divorced, neither of us could find any reason why we wouldn’t remain friends. Obviously, that’s subject to scrutiny, as the only way to prove it would be to get divorced, and we don’t see that happening in the near future. :slight_smile: But the fact is, the only reasons we could come up with that we would ever consider seperation didn’t override the fact that we were friends first, and have been all these years. We DID, though, agree that if it ever came to that, it would take some time before we could hang out and discuss films like old buds again. :slight_smile:

I do agree with the other posters though. If either person is carrying a torch (or a grudge), a friendship with an old flame isn’t going to last. There will always be that nagging… something … hanging over you whenever you’re together. It will usually end with someone crying. I know this from experience as well.

But I am a firm believer that once the flame is gone, and the wounds have healed, if the people in question aren’t psychotic, men and women -can- be friends after dating, especially if they were friends before dating. YMMV.

7

My experience with exes runs as follows:

1: He gave me deeply mixed signals about whether the breakup was permanent; I had a hard time getting over him. We are cordial but not friendly. He’s in closer contact with my mother than with me. Advice: interacting with an ex while still holding out some hope that the relationship can be resurrected causes long-term problems.

2: Abusive. We don’t speak. Advice: don’t date crazy fuckers.

3: Very strange breakup; basically the relationship was Done so we ended it before we got hurt. Drifted out of contact for several years. Decided I really wanted to get back in touch with him, tracked him down with the assistance of a mutual friend, got back in contact. Have established that we still love each other, in a sort of agape way, but no interest on either side in relationship. Our friendship has picked up pretty much right where it left off. Advice: mellow people may be mellow.

4: The relationship was unfunctional for about a year before I ended it; for a long time it was under too much strain to break up without breaking the friendship. I got better, we patched things up a bit, I ended the relationship carefully with intent to preserve the friendship. There was an awkward month or two and we’re a little distant with each other these days, I think for self-protection, but aside from that we’re fine. Advice: being careful helps.

8

I’m watching this thread very closely, as my friend-turned-girlfriend and I just broke up a few days ago. We’re still in the “no contact” phase, but I’m already wondering what it will be like next time I see her.

9

As long as there are any residual romantic feelings, I don’t think trying to be friends with an ex works. Too much risk of jealousy or resentment cropping up.
With this on-again, off-again history you two have, I suspect there is a part of you that would probably always hold onto the hope that you two could get together again and that would probably end up hurting you if you had to stand by and watch while she keeps dating other guys.

Sorry to hear that this happened to you. I know it really hurts when a romantic thing ends up killing what had been a good friendship.
However, there are other cool girls out there and some of them WILL want to date you, so don’t settle for a relationship that is ultimately going to be hurtful.
You might want to try Craigslist.org to find someone to take you up on the Guster concert thing.

10

Friends --> lovers --> friends? Almost always no if there are any residual feelings. There is one exception … if both of you can establish relationships with new lovers and the relationships are rock solid, then it is possible. Basically you have to each become unattainable to the other in order to insure that you don’t lapse back into romance. But even then it is probably best to stay friends at a distance.

11

I’m friends with men I’ve had flings with, but none who I’ve been deeply in love with – except my college BF, who lives 3000 miles away (and who I didn’t speak to for about five years during the '80s). It’s possible to be friends with someone you’ve slept with – but not if there are strong feelings on either side.

And it sounds like there are strong feelings on your part.

12

Yup, I think that’s the major hurdle. I had a breakup where we tried to be friends afterward. It was a little rocky at first, but seemed to be going okay. Then I started dating someone else, and all of a sudden, ex-girlfriend was no longer interested in friendship. With a vengeance.

13

She maybe the coolest razorblade you’ve ever seen, but the more you’re with her, the more cut & bloody you will get.

14

In my experience, it can’t work. My boyfriend and I are currently breaking up. We dated before then things cooled off and we went our separate ways for awhile. Then we started talking and spending time together again, just friends. After a few months we started dating again. I moved in with him. It is tearing me up because I should have learned the first time. Since I still had pretty strong feelings for him when we were just friends I was a bit jealous and bothered when he talked about the other women he was seeing. Those feelings were very difficult to suppress.

15

^^This cracked me up.

Megyn Here’s $20 for telling me what I wanted to hear.

I think that when I can picture myself with someone else, I will be over her and then maybe we can start hanging out together. Then when I start dating a different girl, she will become jealous and she will be mine again (Dammit! There I go again – stupid denial).

16

Oh, by the way I sold off the Guster tix. Thanks, Craigslist.

17

I have a friend that I started as friends with. Dated. Dumped him. Broke his heart. He was apparently hung up on me for years. Just saw him a few weeks ago, took him to lunch to talk about his wife and baby. I don’t see much of him, but it isn’t because of him and me - its because his wife and my husband don’t get along well - and now we’ve both added kids and real jobs and grown up lives. We would have dated…twenty one years ago. In the past twenty years we’ve been very close and have spent a year where we don’t talk because we don’t need to - and very close again.

He will always be one of my best friends - and I think (hope) I will always be one of his.

18

LOL. And that’s exactly what I was saying won’t work. :stuck_out_tongue: Silly duck. :slight_smile:

19

I know. The last part about getting her back was intended as a joke. I realize I have to get over her, but the hardest part is that I don’t have her as a friend now. I went to see my buddy Rusty for some comfort, but he was at work and couldn’t talk. I had dinner with my buddy Bryan, but he is too wrapped up in his life (his wife’s grandmother was given 4 days by the doctor and he had his 2 sons with him). I’m out of people to talk to about this, so I’ve been spending a lot of time here on the straight dope.

I signed up for eHarmony thinking that if I try to move on it’ll help the process. I realize that this is not necessarily healthy either, but I have to do SOMETHING. This is hard. I was alone for a long time but at that time I didn’t feel LONELY, now I do.

20

Exaaaaaactly.

Problem is, what if *she * starts seeing someone else first? And what with you guys being friends and all, she tells you all about it, gushes a bit, and expects you to be happy for her? Unless you enjoy the feeling of being kicked in the stomach, I strongly suggest not trying to be friends with someone you want back. (Unless you’re trying to lose some weight. Constant nagging nausea and rage-fueled exercise can do wonders for one’s girlish figure!)

Once you’re really over each other, sure you can be friends. Of course, once you’re really over each other, you won’t care anymore. Funny how that works.