What has two thumbs and just isn’t that into you?
I’ve been there. Very recently. Mine was newly divorced. With a few minor changes, I could have written your OP.
I recommend telling him, “Well, I want to date the guy I was dating when we first got together. The one who was interested in me, wanted to talk to me, and wanted to spend time with me. If you ever feel like being that guy again, give me a call.”
It sounds like he likes you (otherwise, why tell your friends that he was sorry he screwed up with you?), but if he’s a guy who can’t handle his feelings and has problems with emotional intimacy…you are better off moving on to a real grown-up man who can give you what you want. You were right the first time, when you said “fuck it” and moved on.
We’re all damaged. Anyone who isn’t, hasn’t been trying hard enough.
Move on, he isn’t interested whatever your friends say he said.
Any thoughts on this line?
You’ve essentially hopped into bed with him within a fortnight, if not a week. No wonder he wants to slow it down. And then you respond with clinginess. That’s not slowing it down.
The feelings are not mutual, you are obsessing on this guy, and ignoring reality.
Snap out of it, or you will loose respect for yourself.
And just about everybody has gone through this kind of thing, at least once.
It will only hurt for a little while, if you do not prolong it by believing in a fantasy.
Good post and clipping this section because…it can be really easy to try and become the woman you think he wants. Or resent the woman he ends up with. I’ve seen people (men and women) twist themselves into knots to be the person their ideal partner wants them to be - and it never works out. Sometimes it just doesn’t work at all. Sometimes it works for a bit but your true self comes out eventually. Sometimes he finds the real version of what he is looking for rather than the faux version.
And to the second point, my first boyfriend married this summer. The boyfriend I twisted myself into knots for at seventeen. I was at their wedding. By many measures, I’m a ‘better catch’ than the person he ended up married to…but by the most important measure, I am not - I’m not right for him (nor is he for me - thank God I’m not seventeen any longer - or twenty seven for that matter - but its nice to be his friend twenty five years later).
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sleeping with a guy when you’re interested in him sexually, whether it’s on the first date or the 20th. That’s not the problem, here. The problem is thinking good sex means he looooves you.
I’m not sure I agree with that. For some people, they’re not going to get attached and there’s no harm in sleeping with someone immediately. For other people, they are going to get attached, and get their feelings hurt when the other person isn’t equally attached. For those people, there’s quite a bit of harm in jumping straight into bed. There’s not a thing in the world wrong with being either sort of person, so long as you know which type you are and act accordingly. It sounds like the OP is probably the second type and should wait a bit longer in future relationships.
Here are the tidbits that screamed out to me:
“Which is when things screeched to a halt. He said things were moving too quickly, could we slow down? I said ‘of course’ and followed with clinginess.”
“He responded with a lack of communication. I became more confused, frustrated, and after three or four days without talking much at all he made it clear that this wasn’t working.”
“Now, disclaimer: When I called this man I knew that he’d (snip) already told Mrs. that he wasn’t feeling up to calling me, but might the next day.”
“The conversation went fairly well. I ranted some about my frustration and disappointment, but made it clear that I was still interested in him.”
Honestly, if you were dating a male friend, and he relayed this same story, I’d tell him to hit the hills. He asked you quite clearly to slow down, and you responded by doing the opposite. Then he communicated via a third party that he still liked you, but wasn’t up to calling you yet, and you reacted by… calling him! You laid into him about how disappointed and frustrated you were with him, instead of apologizing for being clingy when he, quite reasonably, asked for a little space.
In short, when given the second chance, you merely exhibited the same qualities that turned him off in the first place. Live and learn.
[QUOTE=kmshrader]
I don’t know what he’d get of convincing me (and our mutual friends) that he’s still interested.
[/QUOTE]
What would he get out of it? He might get laid again.
You made it clear when you first met him that all he had to do is crook his finger and you would come running. On some level he is trying to keep you on the string in case he wants to crook his finger again.
It doesn’t seem that complicated to me, and, like florez says, I don’t see much mutual about it. You’re thinking “lifelong romance” and he is thinking “fling”. “Different expectations”, not “mutual feelings”.
Regards,
Shodan
It’s dreadfully bawdy compared to your usual, Ms. Austen.
I think it’s so much the type of person, as that our current dating paradigm practically guarantees mismatched investments. People say “Ew, dating, who does that anymore?” The current model is that we go on a few dates and eventually start getting physical with someone, and it’s just assumed that the two of you are exclusive until further notice. But this model is a poor way to actually find a successful relationship. It puts the investment before the evaluation, which leads to:
[ol]
[li]Fewer chances of choosing a viable partner. Every relationship is immediately confronted with the question of “do I want to make this exclusive or not,” which means that you are choosing between the “sure thing” of Person X now, or the unknown possibility of meeting someone more compatible in the future. Relationship minded people often pick the sure thing now, thinking that is a safer choice, but often times it is the wrong one. Basically partners are being picked because they are not incompatible and they show up at the right time, rather than any real active compatibility.[/li][li]Creates lots of room for mismatched expectations. The relationship becomes exclusive way before the partners know each other well enough to start asking questions like “Where do you see this going.” This means that quite often, one partner is keeping their options open while the other is thinking long term. The unspoken exclusivity creates just enough ambiguity that the less committed partner can basically dictate the terms (i.e. leave without warning) without having to actually communicate them.[/li][li]A greater chance of triggering clinginess. Because each relationship is all or nothing, and every time a relationship doesn’t work out you go all the way back to ground zero, there is a strong incentive to try to make good on your investment. This leads to people trying to “save” a clearly flawed relationship rather than trying to move on to a more workable one. The instant exclusivity leads the more committed partner to fixate on that single other person, which ends up turning into games, the rejection-cling-more rejection-more cling cycle and hurt feelings for at least one of the people involved.[/li][/ol]
I think relationship minded women (and people in general) would be better served by taking up the old fashioned dating model of seeing multiple people on a casual basis until you make an active and mutual decision to become exclusive. I think a lot of relationship-minded people are scared that “keeping their options open” will mean that they are likely to end up the not chosen option. But finding a healthy relationship takes getting over that fear, and seeking to find the right relationship rather than the right partner. Dating is a way to keep the pressure of the other person and yourself in the early stages of a relationship, is a good way for selecting a long-term partner based on compatibility, and leads to a better matching of investment/commitment and less chances of hurt feelings.
This. To you he is Mr. Right. To him you are Ms. Right Now. He’s probably got the beginnings of a conscience so that is why when he’s drunk he talks to your friends because he feels bad about flinging you. But he’s still not into you. Run, run, run!
Pretty sure the OP is not coming back. And she really does think that the feelings are mutual, so anything that we say to the contrary is really not being listened to, anyway. Perhaps someday, a newbie will post a relationship problem, listen to our advice, take it, and come back to let us know. I don’t think this will be that day.
Yeah, she’s got to work on the listening part.
Possibly, but it will mean spoiling our 100% suicide rate.
Woah, woah. I’m still here. I’m just not stalking this thread like the first few days when I was still convinced things were mutual and was desperately looking for someone to give me the miracle cure for a bruised ego.
Yes, I took your advice. I sat down and watched He’s Just Not That Into You, and moped, and then picked my mature, attractive, self-confident self up and went out with some friends. I had a great time and got hit on by men that I absolutely wasn’t interested in, and enjoyed the ego boost, and then got up the next day and focused on the important things in my life right now - prepping for a move to a new place in a couple months, and studying for finals.
Sorry to not have kept you updated, but really that’s a good sign. 
Oh hey, I’m going to alert the media! She came back!
I’m glad that you’re feeling better about it. One man’s not worth all that.