Am I overreacting? Relationship Thread #2.0*10^23

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hi guys,

FTR, I lurk a metric ass-ton, but really only post about relationships, because, well, that is one of the few areas where I feel like anonymous opinions from the intra-webs, being somewhat randomized as they are, are very useful to me . . .
So I met Jake a couple of months ago at a party hosted by a mutual friend. We talked a bit, kind of hit it off. We both became part of a runner’s group, started by the mutual friend, so now Jake and I have a mutual circle of friends as well. He continued to pursue me, asking me to coffee a few times. I joined him, but was iffy on whether or not I was interested. Then, about a month ago, he told me that he liked me, that he had met quite a few girls recently but I was the only one he could see dating. We agreed that we should get to know each other better before and just stay friends for now but started hooking up, so we considered ourselves friends with benefits, I guess.

However, after a long trail-running trip a few weeks ago, during which we had a mild altercation, things have cooled off quite a bit on his end, no more emails, text messages, etc. I asked him if everything was okay, and he said that of course they were, that he was busy and I was insecure, both of which things are true. Right before Thanksgiving, we agreed to start officially dating, to see if we wanted to be more serious. However, since then there has been nada on his end. I called on Weds. to set up a date for this weekend, and he said Sunday would be good. He also said he would email about place/time, but has yet to do so. He is generally quite organized, but had done similar things on a lesser scale while still interested in me.

I think he has lost interest and is just too chicken to say so. He has gotten busier, but still manages to make time for other things . . . however, at the same time, he is really actually one of the most straightforward people I know, (to the point where he is kind of a douche) and promised to be straightforward with me. He is also v. independent. So maybe he is just legitimately busy, and also maybe testing me a bit to see how I’ll react, if I’ll be really clingy or just let him do his thing. What would you assume in this situation, Dopers?

2

I think he’s just not that into you…sorry…but that’s my impression.

I’d also say that maybe you shouldn’t have done the friends with benefits thing. Were you actually into him before? or have you become more into him now that he’s stopped calling, etc.?

3

I think you’re trying to force a relationship that was never meant to be more than friends who have sex occasionally, and probably should have never been more than just friends.

No one’s ever too busy to see someone they’re really excited about, at least not for long and not without you knowing that they’re dying to see you.

4

It seems like the young people nowdays “hook up” instead of dating. No strings, no real emotional connections, just “friends” with “benefits”. Doesn’t sound like it’s benefiting you though, does it?

I’d either ask him point blank what his game is here, or I’d write him off and go off in search of a real boyfriend, if that’s what I wanted. Too much wasted time in trying to deduce other people’s intentions and feelings, and in the end probably not worth it.

5

From what little information you’ve given, he sounds passive aggressive and high maintenance. He completely stopped communicating after a mild fight, then accused you of being insecure when you did the mature thing and asked him what was up.

And now he’s giving you mixed signals about the state of your relationship. Is he waiting for you to call him? Is he really not interested anymore? Who the hell knows, but at this state in the relationship I’d already be worn out trying to figure him out. Who needs this in their life? My vote is to walk away.

6

My wild-ass guess goes with the others - he got what he wanted, sex from a friendly gal. When you started asking about taking the relationship further, he didn’t really want to deal with any drama, so he acted like he was going along with it and wants you to be the one to break it off or at least forget about a deeper relationship.

If he really seriously wanted to take the relationship further, he’d make time for you, or at least communicate that intent.

7

Well, okay, I think I made a couple of things unclear. He actually wanted to date first; in addition, he suggested cooling off on the hooking up and dating instead to see if we were truly compatible.

And honestly, I wasn’t that into him until he pulled away . . . the old adage is true . . .

Gestalt.

8

In that case, maybe it happened to him too - the chase was the thrill.

Alice the Goon sounds like she’s got it. If the date actually happens, ask what he wants from the relationship. Otherwise, back off and see if he remembers to chase you.

9

I guess I should also add that the weekend before Thanksgiving we had a fairly involved conversation where HE said, 1) He was interested in getting to know me more but 2) was on the fence about whether we could successfully be in a relationship, because of the altercation we had had, 3) therefore, we should date and get to know each other better and 4) until then, cool it with the physical so that we can both keep clear heads about it. He also said that we probably wouldn’t be able to go on a date before Thanksgiving, but we definitely should afterwards.

After that, we both left for thanksgiving, and then came back on Monday . . . heard pretty much zilch from him, so I called to schedule a date. He said Sunday (as in tomorrow) would work, and that he would email me about place/time. Has done nothing of the sort. Also, the week before this discussion about dating he had also been acting kind of distant, although he attributed it to business.

So confused . . . i hate dating.

Gestalt

10

Sounds like you’re just not that into him. Your interest may be piqued by him pulling away and not pursuing you as he had before, but I didn’t really sense that you really want this to happen. Was the sex even good? ‘Friends with benefits’ sounds skeezy to some people, especially older generations, but it can really be the best of both worlds, at least for a while. Sex and friendship, no polyester teddy bears and holidays with each other’s families. Sometimes it turns into a ‘real’ relationship, but making it exclusive should be more natural than ‘Let’s try going out, but not this week.’

11

The sex was okay . . .yeah, not that into him, honestly, at this point it’s a matter of pride. Could not do sex without relationship without getting attached, though.

He has a tiny penis. And, is unattratively thin.

Gestalt.

12

There’s someting about his position - that since you had a fight, that means you shouldn’t be together - that makes me think he’s a total loser. At least as far as being able to do the job of being of a good long-term bf.

13

At this point you’d have to chase after him to find out why he’s rejected you. Ouch. And if the non-contact’s due to something like a death in his family or him being hit by a truck and having amnesia, you’d look worse.

With mutual friends and interests, I’d stick to “The relationship just didn’t take” rather than “He has a tiny penis”. Then you have the moral high ground when you tell him (very politely) how he’s behaved like an immature little jerk and you deserve better.

14

He sounds like he’s the type that can’t tolerate intimacy. He had met tons of other girls but pursued you when you weren’t interested. When you were interested slightly he lost interest.

Perhaps he’s one of those guys that are only interested in the chase. Perhaps he has some issues with having a real relationship and only goes after what he can’t have. Perhaps he’s just an asshole. No matter how you slice it he’s got issues and since you repeatedly claim you’re not all that into him move on already.

15

See ya, Hook-up Boy! That’s what I’d say.

16

Neither of you are that into each other. You’ve known him a relatively short time, and already you’re iffy about it and saying he’s “kind of a douche”… that should tell you something. The beginning should be the “omg-can’t-wait-to-see-you”, sparkly-hearts-and-stars kinda thing, not “eh, well, he’s kind of a douche and is unattractive to me, but I’m bored so let’s see where this goes.”

17

Honestly, I don’t see any attraction from either of you here. I’d just lose his phone/email number and move on with my life. If he miraculously remembers that he wanted to date you in about three months, I’d tell him flat out at that point that you’ve moved on, and politely suggest he do the same. I don’t think there’s any “relationship” here to work on.

18

So, hey, I actually researched this “hooking up” phenomenon. I don’t know how old the OP is, but among college-aged kids, it’s extremely common for the “relationship” to start out with sex or other physical contact. After a period of time, the girl usually will ask the guy to make a commitment and if he agrees, they will be boyfriend and girlfriend. This article explains it nicely and although it was written in 2001, from what I’ve heard this “dating” style is just as common or even more so.

Not that this information really has jack to do with the OP, but I did find it interesting.

19

wow, I was kind of surprised to see this thread pick up suddenly . . . if anyone is interested, it’s pretty much done, which is fine with me, awkward cause of the mutual friends, but, I can deal.

alice , the hooking up phenomenon is very real, and I even started a thread about it a while ago . . .

20

Well, I think people date formally less…but I’m not sure it’s necessarily that cut and dry.

I’ve never exactly done the traditional dating, dinner and a movie thing. Well, except for when the goal was just sex. I mean, I started my most serious relationship by going out with this guy just by chance, whom I did like, where we ended up in bed spending the night (making out, fondling, but no sex). Then we started spending a lot of time together, two weeks later started having sex, and that was it. From zero to sixty…relationship, you know?