The wonky lurrrrrrrve advice thread!

In My Humble Opinion (IMHO)
#1

So you’ve just had the whole big awkward “I have feelings for you that are considerably more than friendship but I know you don’t feel the same way and that’s okay, wotthehell, c’est la vie, friendship with you is good anyway” conversation. Is a week (two weeks?) later too soon to say, “Hey, let’s hang out, want to grab coffee?” Or is that too forward? Would it be considerate to give this person more distance than that?

Thus asks the shy maiden lady who has no desire to seem pushy or gauche. Advice?

#2

What “side” of the talk were you on? What are your motives now?

#3

Me = considerably more than friendship. Other person = simply warm friendship.

Motives? Eh. I would certainly like it if this person was so charmed by my enthralling personality (heh) as to feel more than friendship for me, but I’m quite certain that’s not going to happen. So I would say that my motive is mainly to stay friends with this person (and secondarily, to avoid that ever-fatal awkwardness).

Also, if it helps, this person has known about my feelings for a considerable amount of time without having been told but only recently urged me to be honest about them out of some misguided feeling that Honesty is Good. :rolleyes: And I knew quite well what the outcome of this conversation would be beforehand…this was pretty much just a “get unspoken things out in the open that everyone knows are true anyway” type of conversation–no big surprises on either side.

#4

I didn’t do anything differently, cuz if I’d acted differently than I had before the awkward conversation, it would have made him more uncomfortable. We were even closer friends after that, and as it turns out, we wouldn’t have made a very good couple anyway.

#5

I’ve never been in this situation but based on what you describe, I think one or two weeks should be enough, if that would’ve been the normal interval between meetings for you two anyway. If not, I suggest you wait that normal interval, then make the invite.

#6

I agree. If you’re willing to accept a platonic friendship, you have to just suck it up and play like you’re friends.

And I know it’s rough. Lord, how I know. Godspeed.

#7

I think that this will be more a matter of whether you can pull off being just friends than whether or not enough time has passed since confrontation* A.

My experience with going from actually dating to post-dating friends, and a further episode where I believed we were dating but apparently we were only friends seem to show this as true. In the prior case magic was lacking in the relationship so after breaking up, hanging out still wasn’t weird. But in the other instance, I was caught unprepared after things had seemingly been all up-hill and I really felt very passionately towards unnamed female; in this case dropping my feelings wasn’t something I was personally able to do and trying to be friends was very unsuccessful.

So, try it–but if you can’t make it work, cold turkey is going to be better for you in the long run.

  • sic? Looks wrong…
#8

Well, if there were no big surprises for either party it doesn’t sound like the conversation was as brutally awkward as it could have been. Go ahead and get back into your normal routine with this person.

#9

Agree – if you’re feeling like “hm, I’m due to spend time with this person,” he or she is probably thinking, “hm, I’m due to spend some time with La Llorona.”

Give the person a call, go out for coffee or hit a movie or whatever is a normal low-key activity, and see how it goes. If you’re okay with it – proceed with the friendship normally.

Keep an eye on your own feelings, though – it can be a tricky line to walk, and it’s not worked for me more often than it’s worked.