You mean before or after you’ve been dating him for a while? If it’s “before,” the friends speech is perfectly appropriate. If it’s “after,” the words you’re looking for are “We have to stop seeing each other.” The friends speech at that point is either (a) instilling false hope or (b) complete bullshit.
Which is, of course, not your problem, but hers, and it certainly isn’t your responsibility. The reason you should be nice about it is that you’ll feel like a dick if you aren’t.
Thank you Swiddles! I needed some positive energy today.
minty green, I’m sure you’re right that sometimes it’s BS to tell someone you want to be just friends, but I had to do that one time, and guess what? We’re still friends 10 years later. As soon as he realized I meant it when I said that although I loved him as a friend I’d never *be in love *with him, we were fine. I still consider him one of my best friends, although with living in different cities, I don’t see him nearly as often as I did. 
Sorry I punted before, Wonko. I gave you really winky advice. Dump her. Danger! Danger!
I’m with Biggirl - how DO you give the meassage that you just want to be friends when you meet someone new and are not attracted? All the ways I can think of seem so belittling - “Hi, I’m glad we went to the movies today, and so we’re clear, I just wanna be friends.”
Ugh.
I’m not sure I can, since we’re not even a -couple- according to her.
<sigh> I feel for you Wonko, I wish you better luck in finding your next date.
Sorry about this, but I feel a need to hijack.
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Lizard wrote in response to SwimmingRiddles:
sounds fine, except they hung out for a whole month before even so much as kissing. And apparently all they’ve done physically is kiss and cuddle. That hardly sounds like going too fast to me. She’s 34, not 14.
Uh, Lizard, at what age between 14 and 34 do women lose the ability to decline various forms of physical intimacy? Please let me know soon, because if it’s 34 I need to find me a man real soon before I’m obliged to sleep with anybody who asks. If it’s earlier than that, let me know so I can get to the drugstore before meeting tonight’s date
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I’m sure you didn’t mean it “that way” Lizard, so please think before sending next time, ok?
My take, for what it’s worth, is that she might be trying to kick you to the curb in a way that won’t put any of the guilt on her.
She may well be a nice enough woman who can’t stand the thought of hurting you and is pulling away by degrees, or she may be a total whack-job who gets off of controlling people that way.
Call her on it in a nice way. “Look, insert her name here, I’m not sure where I stand with you. We were experiencing physical connection that I thought would be part of the progression of our relationship. Now we’re not. Does that mean our relationship is no longer progressing or not progresing down that path anymore? Are we just friends? Where do I, and where do we, stand? It’s important to me to know.”
That will tell you which option, if either, is correct. If she gives a damn about you at all, she’ll either let you know that the backing away scenario is not correct and tell you what the score really is, or, if either of the above are correct, she’ll wig completely out on you. Be prepared for a bunny-boiling melt-down on her part if either of those are true.
In the end, if you walk, she can say, “I didn’t want an intimate relationship with him and he just couldn’t handle it,” with zero guilt or perceived consequence on her part.
It sucks, but it happens.
one more thing:
If she says, “Oh, I’m so confused. I just don’t know what I want,” there’s a really good chance she’s trying to string you along a bit more.
In as supportive a voice as you can muster, tell her to take her time and figure it out, that you don’t feel you should be there to complicate things and add to her confusion. Then walk away just as you would normally.
As soon as you are out of her line of sight. RUN and don’t look back.
Uh, well, since I said nothing like what you seem to be critiquing in my post, I would have to say that yes, I didn’t mean it that way. At no point did I say that women “lose the ability to decline various forms of physical intimacy,” at 34 or any other age. Nor did I suggest or imply that she was “obliged to sleep with him.” I was responding to a comment from SwimmingRiddles that maybe she wanted to take it slowly. My comment was meant to convey that kissing and cuddling after several months of dating is considered “fast” only if you’re 14, not 34. A 34 year-old woman should be smart enough to know what is going on when a man wants to gasp! kiss her. Her wanting to “slow down” when all they’re doing after several months is kissing is ludicrous to the point of being a sign. Which is what everybody else on this thread has been saying. But apparently the point of all this has gone over your head like the Concord on takeoff. I really don’t care if your brain checks out before you post xtal but try not to bother me with the result, 'kay?
Gosh, Wonko, you could have been describing one of my former relationships. (This woman’s name isn’t Sarah, is it? :)) Though I’ve gotten in this thread probably too late to say anything that hasn’t been said, could I perhaps make a suggestion? I suggest that you go somewhere with this woman and one or more of your friends, somewhere like a bar or a restaurant where all of you can engage in a conversation. Sometimes, when I’m not too sure of what the dynamic of a relationship is, the “neutral” observation of friends can be a real help.
My relationship with Sarah was panning out almost exactly the same way you describe your own–it started off well, then the physical part just disappeared (the “not holding hands” bit sounds awfully familiar). From that point on she took pains to stress that we weren’t a couple, we were just sort of seeing each other. When we did go somewhere, I felt like she was treating me, well, like a leper. After the two of us went on a “double-date” with a couple of friends of mine, one of my friends took me aside and asked me why I was putting up with her manipulative behavior. Essentially, Sarah wanted to end the relationship, couldn’t do it for whatever reason, and so was just sort of stringing me along, treating me worse and worse, hoping that I’d be the first to make a move. (There were a lot of other issues involved but they’re not so important here.) Without the third-party input, I’d have been strung along indefinately.
magdalene:
Yup. If you think he likes you and you don’t return the feelings, just say that. It’s like a bandaid for the guy. You can rip it off really quickly so that it hurts immediately, but feels not that bad in the morning, or you can take it slowly, a little bit at a time, hoping that he’ll get the hint and pull it off himself. And just like a bandaid, the second option is much worse. If you’re scared of hurting his feelings by telling him immediately, trust me on how much less that hurts than drawing it out over time. Most guys will also be pretty understanding about it and those who get very upset and accuse you of being a bitch probably aren’t the type that you want around anyway.
And call him a few days later and arrange to do something with him, because he’ll probably feel a little humiliated and it will let him know that you’re serious about likeing him as a person, even though you’re just wanting to be a friend.
But this all belongs in a different thread (along with questions I have about knowing the actual status of a relationship) so I’ll let you get back to it.
The whole subject seemed to start after she and I were going to go to church together- she and I go to different churches in the same general area, and had met at a social activity sponsered by my church. After a day or two, she said “something is bothering me, and I want to talk to you about it” but wouldn’t tell me what it was (hate that!). It turns out that while she was comfortable holding hands, kissing and snuggling, she was not comfortable being “outed” to her friends (Please note: Wonko is involved in a hetero relationship). She said she did not know me well enough for me to hold her hand in church, or in front of her friends. (I have the correct number of limbs in the correct body areas, and have no physical deformities, and good social skills. Oh, and I shower regularly, have no tatoos, or odd scars, and my hairstyle is decidedly normal). Now I can’t hold her hand, snuggle on the couch, etc.
She still says “I still really like you and I miss the levity and ease that used to be between us.”
I’m still a leper though. A neuter, leprous, social escort.
**Feh.
“And call him a few days later and arrange to do something with him, because he’ll probably feel a little humiliated and it will let him know that you’re serious about likeing him as a person, even though you’re just wanting to be a friend.”
Argh! A pity date! YEEECCH!
Wonko, please run.
She is not proud of the fact that she’s dating you. I can’t imagine why, you sound like a decent enough guy. Please please please find somebody new. There must at least one nice woman in your town.
I’ve been through the I-don’t-want-anybody-to-know-were-dating mindtrip. Please believe me, you don’t wanna go there. Not even for a short visit.
Yep. Sux!
Hit him with a brick behind the left ear, perform plastic surgery, and ship him off to the French Foreign Legion before he wakes up. It’s really easiest for all concerned.
No, Kvallulf not a pity date. Not a date at all. I assume that you spend time with your friends, right? All I’m saying is that if a girl is genuine in wanting to be friends with a guy instead of just being ‘nice’ about rejecting him then she should go out of her way to make sure he knows that she’s genuine. She should also probably bring a female friend just to show that it is friends. If she turns up by herself he’ll possibly think it’s a date and get confused.
Tell her you have enough friends;she’ll probably become alot more interested. Women are funny that way…
Oooh, yes. The one guy who did that to me (actually told me flat out it would be a good idea if I didn’t tell anyone we were seeing each other) turned out to be extremely manipulative. His concern seemed legit at first, thanks to some employment issues, but the more I thought about it the more I realized those issues were bullshit (they really were, but it’d be a major hijack to get into them here). By then I was in a position were I felt like I had to hide a big part of my life from some of my closest friends, and the “relationship” went right into the toilet.
Wonko, we didn’t actually meet at the NYC Dopefest, but you strike me as a nice guy. Please accept a cyber hug and good wishes!