Okay female dopers. I SUCK at getting a date. I don’t think I am a bad person, and I’ve mostly solved the emotional crap in my life. I am a decent person (a school teacher) who has a stable job, is relatively intelligent, likes to go out and have fun, and is a musician to boot. I am a little overweight but not much. I do exercise regularly. I think I am OK looking, probably not hunky as some, but decent. I have a nice car too (hooray for that!)
Why the hell can’t I get anywhere!? I have tried…and try…and continue to fail.
From your experience what at least gets you interested in a partner. Where do you like to ideally meet? How does your first 5 dates progress. Where do you like to go on dates? How often do you meet at the beginning? Anything else that can help a poor decent guy out!?
I would be open to marriage, but how could I ever know unless I met somebody to try it with? I’m not into empty relationships though. I think a relationship should keep progressing until it reaches the ultimate conclusion of a break up or marriage.
9 times out of 10 when a guy has trouble getting dates, it’s a confidence issue. If you don’t have any (or at least act like you do,) you don’t get any.
Okay, I am confident. The girl I was after I was looking into her eyes, calling her, talking to her, sending her gifts at work. I do my job well, and am quite comfortable with my skillset and my goals in life.
Humour, not so good. I am lacking in that area. Probably because I am so driven to succeed I take things too seriously. How can I solve this? Should I memorize jokes? Drink more? What!?
Sending her gifts at work? Hmm. A single rose or chocolate is romantic, but repeated gifts at work would make most people uncomfortable if the relationship was still fairly new. Maybe you’re trying too hard and coming across as a stalker?
Is she also doing those things in return? Do they become increasingly distant then break up with you? If it’s the latter, maybe you are just trying too hard and are scaring them away?
I’m not sure what the issue is - you can’t get a date, or you get the date but the girl doesn’t want to see you a second (third? fourth? tenth?) time?
What sort of women are you trying to date? I’ve noticed that sometimes men who describe themselves as ‘ok looking, could lose a few pounds, ok job’ expect to date women who are millionaire fittness instructors who work as playboy models on the side. Are your expectations realistic? Are you trying to date and meet women in your demographic? Do you have any weird hair growth issues (i.e. out the nose? crazy brows? furry ears?)? That might not be an issue when a gal gets to know you, but during the first couple of dates it’s best to keep those things tamed.
Well here’s your first problem - you are asking the wrong people. Women don’t know how do get dates with women. MEN know how to get dates with women. So the people you should be directing this question to are men who get a lot of dates. Unfortunately, that isn’t me, but I can offer you some advice.
Focus on yourself, not them.
How are your clothes? Do you dress like a school teacher? If yes, stop. If you are clothes-clueless like most men, just go to a decent low-end store like Banana Republic. Get a female friend to help you shop. Consult style magazines if you are still confused. Get a good haircut, not some $15 supercuts do. Get a female friend to recommend a decent salon and spend some money on your hair. For all the talk of how visual men are, women are far more judgmental about your looks. Dress well, have a nice body, and they WILL notice.
Read. Be informed. Have opinions on current topics. There is no bigger turnoff on a date than someone who can’t hold their end of a conversation. During the conversation, listen to them, and make a point to bring what they say into what you say. Be truthful. Don’t give compliments that aren’t sincere (they can tell). If you do give complements, be sparing. Keep it simple and then drop it.
The truly zen approach is to turn this equation on its head. Make it so that YOU are the catch here, not her. Make it so that she is trying to prove herself to you. It is vital that you never come across as desperate or needy. Your official stance should always be (for the first few dates at least) : “Hey you seem cool. Lets see if we enjoy spending time together. If it doesn’t work out, oh well, I have lots of other options.” Even if in reality you don’t have lots of other options.
There’s much, much more, but this should get you started.
Quasi, just be yourself. There’s someone for everyone.
Trying too hard or appearing desperate is a turn-off for me. Let your true personality shine through, and you will find someone eventually. Be patient. It will happen.
I will second this. Most of the men I’ve seen who are having problems getting a date or finding the woman for them are looking waaaaay out of their league. My BF has a friend who is an awesome man. He is decent looking, makes really good money and he has a great sense of humor. However, he is kind of short, skinny, and he lives in his parent’s basement (he is apparently saving to buy a house so his parents let him live there so he can own property in a year or two instead of renting now.) He could be with many successful, reasonably attractive women but he is holding out for a rich Anna Kournikova look alike. He hasn’t been on a date in 3 years and he can’t figure out why he can’t get a woman to date him but he doesn’t realize that there are lots of women who would date him, he just doesn’t consider them “datable” based on their looks or income or whatever. He is welcome to whatever standards he wants, of course, but I hope he remembers all the women he passed up when he still hasn’t had a date 10 years from now.
Other than that, I have to say don’t send women presents at work. Attention is good but that much attention given in such a public forum is not good. Flowers at work on Valentines? Fine. Flowers at work because it is Tuesday? Creepy.
He who asks in fear, invites a refusal. Remember that. Be straightforward and be yourself. Don’t grovel. Dress nicely but don’t become a clothes horse. Don’t be quick to change your opinions just to please a women; stand your ground and defend your positions. Be polite but not fawning. Never retreat and never surrender. Be a little aloof but not condescending. Make her do a little chasing; you’re as valuable as she. Don’t play head games with a woman; you can’t win. Learn to dance if you don’t know how. Don’t be pushy and don’t be cloying. Don’t send her gifts at work----just don’t. Not even flowers unless you absolutely know she is very interested in you and then send them on her birthday or valentines day. And NEVER beg. For anything.
