I think a single flower after a first date is sweet. A bouquet of flowers is creepy.
This. bolding mine
Apathy is your friend. Ask a girl out but come accross like you could give a shit one way or the other. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO ACT LIKE AN ASSHOLE.
If a girl tells you no, just respond with: “OK, Just thought I’d ask. Have a good day Sally Mc hottie”
And don’t beat around the bush either. If you want to ask a girl out be direct and to the point.
Jesus, I’ not being desperate. I’m actually quite amused. A year ago I would be weepy depressed. Now I think about who is next. But I am sick of blowing it. I want to get the girl!
For fitness, I am about 10 pounds overweight, however I am fit. Earlier in the year when I was really going after her I was only 4 pounds overweight. I run daily and am sure I will be back to better fitness / weight soon.
I dress fairly well. I have a nice winter jacket. I wear fairly snazzy jeans when I am able, and usually wear a collared buttoned shirt. I usually dress fairly dark though, the next wardrobe will be more colorful.
My car screams sexy (who can’t love a mazda 3)
I guess I can now get the date, but perhaps I suck on a date?
Other cool things I have done lately include recording music for an indie movie, and in three weeks I will be playing this song at a local arts fundraiser http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=k-SWy-sU8cE
I am being myself more this year, I used to hide it because I live in hockeytown where live music doesn’t happen very often…now I am all about showing off. Cause life is too short.
This is good advice, and I whole-heartedly endorse the “don’t be smothering” advice. My friends and I call this kind of guy the “dishrag”.
How it works - I meet a guy through friends (or whatever), he seems cools that night, he calls and we have a date, then a second or third, then…
He becomes smothering, calls all the time, sends flowers, references the future, etc. The problem is that whatever fun and cool thing that attracted you in the first place becomes buried in this gooey, unattractive layer of schmaltz. I sure don’t know why it happens, since the lonely guy never gets the girl. You’d think they would figure it out.
Where are you looking? I’m hardly an expert, but I’ve always thought people really ought to be looking for dates in places they naturally go. Other teachers, other musicians, or in your church, book club, meet-up, Star Trek convention, quilting bee, etc. Common interests make everything easier, from starting that first conversation to deciding where to go on dates and keeping a strong relationship later.
Other than that, good grooming, don’t come across as needy or stalker-type, and practice being a good listener. Best of luck!
Also, as someone without much of a track record, you need to leave on the back burned the possibiity that you may actually be better off not dating and not in a relationship. I dont want to send you bawling to the liquor cabinet or anything, but yes, I am a cynic about relationships, and as such I recognize that as you get older and less inclined to play games, the standards get a lot higher and the odds get a whole lot worse.
If you really want to make dating part of your life and not get too attached to it not amounting to anything (or helping your loneliness all that much either), you may stay with it long enough to meet someone really rare. Otherwise, you may need to acknowledge the law of averages: people who haven’t been dating regularly tend never to find that lasting relationship so many of us want.
How have you “blown” it in the past? Speaking of which, what is your dating history? Have you had any long-term relationships before (> 1 year)? How old are you?
Sorry if I missed it before, but who is “her”? The girl who you sent flowers to her work? How long did you date her, and how serious did it get?
Well there you go… maybe you can meet someone at this fundraiser…
I’m also curious, where do you usually meet women? Are you a homebody, or do you go out and socialize? Do you have a good circle of friends? Have you tried online dating?
Do you feel your expectations for a woman are reasonable? As in, do you have certain criteria about looks, such as, you will only date skinny blondes; won’t date anyone older than you; won’t date women with kids, etc? Are you like pbbth’s friend who has unrealistic expectations?
There’s a lot to be said about this. There’s something key, but difficult to grasp, about how you feel within yourself.
After my last breakup my self esteem was in the shitter. I was depressed and felt worse about myself in terms of attractiveness, and as a potential mate for someone else, than I’ve ever done before, and wrote off my ex’s interest in me as a statistical anomaly. While I felt like this I went six months without so much as a look from a woman.
Over the past few months, though, I have started to feel good about who I am again, and am learning to be as comfortable with my idiosyncracies as I am about my positive qualities. And as if by magic, I have suddenly been getting a lot more interest. I wouldn’t say I have had to beat them off with a shitty stick, but since December I’ve been with three different women, one of whom was a 25-year-old hottie. I, by the way, am 41, nowhere near macho, am only just above average-looking, could probably lose 6 or 7 lbs, and am a mere 5’6".
So, relatively new to singledom after 18 years in monogamous relationships, without any kind of “strategy”, these are the things that seem inadvertantly to be working:[ul][li]I am back to being comfortable with who I am.[/li][li]I don’t believe I’m good looking enough to attract someone instantly, so have to rely on women getting to know me for a few hours or days, and allow my confidence and personality to override my insecurities about my physicality.[/li][li]Coincidentally I have a lot of female friends, and this also helps with the likelihood of one or more of them - or better still one of their female friends - finding me attractive.[/li][li]I act kindly but not cloying (gifts to work would be a big big NO unless you’re already an established couple - that’s almost certainly going to make her feel uncomfortable).[/li][li]I’m way less flexible than I used to be when I’m with a woman I’m attracted to - not bending over backwards to please, but pleasing because I choose to.[/li][li]I like to make the women I know laugh as much as is humanly possible*.[/li][li]I am not overly respectful: if I’m interested in a woman I’ll rag on her mercilessly, then turn it around at the last minute with what I hope is a cheeky grin.[/li][li]I am way more brazen about my sexual interest in someone than I used to be - eye contact held for much longer than is normally socially acceptable; taking every opportunity to make and maintain physical contact (you’ll know by a flinch if it’s inappropriate, and then you can stop).[/li][*]The line which has had 75% success so far is a bold, to the face, “I like you”. The last two times I said this, I got an “I like you too” back, then went in for the kiss. The time before, I got a refusal, but the girl asked me out for drinks a couple of days later and we ended up having a great evening.[/ul]*This worked well for me on Friday. My beautiful-but-evil ex turned up in the pub with the guy she cheated on me with and left me for. I was already there with a bunch of people, chatting away, and telling funny stories and stupid jokes, and eventually realised that I had a “harem” of five women around the table, all laughing their heads off and clearly having a great time with me, while I didn’t even acknowledge the ex’s presence, and her boyfriend looked sullen and sulky in a corner. Then I left with two of the women to another bar, feeling like a Mac Daddy. In a totally petty way, I really hope she noticed.
Quasimodal, I missed the bit about humor. Well an example of one of the “hilarious” jokes I was telling the other night was:
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
- A carrot.
Really ground-breaking stuff, as you can see.
I reckon that even if you don’t feel naturally witty you can memorize stupid stuff like that. It doesn’t matter if it gets a groan, because then people will laugh at you, not the joke, and you can join in with them - or get mock-outraged and say crap like “well I think it’s the funniest joke in the world and anyone who doesn’t get it is a philistine” etc. Just act silly.
Quasimodal, can we get a picture of how you would look on any normal weekday? We might give you pointers on dress, hair, etc.
About the reciprocity: that is a good thing to keep in mind, and not just in male-female relationships. I learnt recently in therapy (and I saw it confirmed in Miss Manners 
) that if you give too much, too soon (gifts, initiative-taking, fawning) to a person, you make them feel uncomfortable, and you take the fun out of the intereraction. Compare it to a dance where you don’t await the other’s moves, but just haul 'm around the floor like a bag of potatoes. That might make you a dancer who spends a lot of energy; however, it doesn’t make you a *good *dancer.
In my case, the habit of doing all the giving in some relationships (at least, that kind of giving, I’m bad at other kinds) was a sad result of being raised by a narcissistic mom. She loved taking, taking, and then taking some more, and made me used to be around takers. Normal people are different.
Whatever you do, PLEASE ignore this advice. You will hear this a lot, always from women. It is bupkis. Advice like this caused me to waste my first 5 dating years. You & I know what it means to “just be yourself” and it has nothing to do with attracting women, which goes back to my earlier premise that women don’t know how to attract women. What you really want to be is an idealized version of yourself. Not just in an image that you project to women but a greater person in reality.
It’s all about the looks. (Ok, that’s not true for ALL women, but it is for MOST women). I haven’t been single or dateless for even a week since I was about 15. I’m married now, but before that I was, how to put it, … getting around. Why? In my opinion, I’m OK looking and dress well. That’s it. I’m not the smartest or the funniest or the nicest guy at any party, but I look pretty good, and that’s all that matters. If you’re average looking, get a good haircut take care of your physique and your face, and go shopping for new clothes with someone who has good fashion sense - a woman preferably. If you restrict yourself to one outfit, something like what George Clooney is wearing in the movie “one fine day” is the look you want to go for. It won’t make you look like Clooney, but it will tell everyone around that you have some style.
[quote=“jjimm, post:28, topic:483939”]
[li]I don’t believe I’m good looking enough to attract someone instantly, so have to rely on women getting to know me for a few hours or days, and allow my confidence and personality to override my insecurities about my physicality.[/li][/QUOTE]
As a girl who gets hit on a lot (I bartend, so it comes with the job) I have to strongly second this. Even a really hot guy can come across the wrong way if he strikes too quickly…give the girl a chance to relax around you so that she gets a chance to develop interest without having all her “this guy wants to hit on me” barriers up.
Be friendly and casual and don’t try to “sweep her off her feet.” It may work in novels but IMHE it can come across as pathetic or lame or even stalker-ish.
You want her to feel like the two of you are just “seeing what happens,” not that you’re totally into her right off the bat and want to buy her tons of flowers and presents and expensive dinners. This can feel smothering, like your expectations are way too high too early.
Romance is good, but in the beginning, nothing beats fun.
Hi! Middle aged (46), crazy, idiot, but non-smoking Democrat. How you doin!
I sent her a burned DVD of a movie I thought she would like. Nothing too crazy. She’s planning on watching it she tells me, but who knows. It was subtle enough that no one else around would know what was going on.
I have had personality problems which has led me to lead a single life my entire life. Anxiety, weight problems, you name it I had it. Most of those problems are solved. I feel much more confident and in control of myself now.
For social activities I play in a community concert band, I used to play in another music group but that folded. I run at the gym in my spare time. I’m not too sporty, though I should probably join a soccer team. The agnostic in me can’t stand church, so I don’t think I could pull it off without feeling completely false. I teach private music lessons but that doesn’t help me meet anyone except moms.
Me and the girl are absolutely friends, but it looks like no more. Methinks I should start looking elsewhere. There is another teacher who I will try to meet, but my job makes it hard to meet people. Methinks I should also find a better job, even though I like it.
If it’s not NIGHT OF THE HUNTER, A CLOCKWORK ORANGE or BLUEBEARD, it should be OK.
I wonder- has any guy used any of those as “first date” movies and had a second date with the gal?
Join a group where people your age volunteer and where you are focused on somethng else besides finding a girlfriend.
Take ballroom dancing lessons.
Make sure that you and your clothes and clean and spotless when you go out even when you are going out alone.
Do get your hair cut by a professional stylist. Try something reasonable but contemporary.
The sense of humor usually is a big deal with a lot of women. Is there anyone that you find funny? Are you ever able to look at life’s absurdities – even life’s tragedies – and see something amusing in all of the mess? Just try making jokes to yourself about your own situation at the moment and the economy or whatever seems a downer in your life. If you can do that, you are developing a sense of humor. Don’t put yourself down – just the situations you find yourself in.
When you are with a girl who likes to talk, listen to her. Ask her questions about the things she likes to talk about and listen to those answers too. Listening is a very active kind of participation. Show that you are listening.
Don’t worry about gifts for a while unless it is a clipping from a newspaper or printout from a website about something you or she had been talking about. That sort of gift.
Let her show you what music she likes best. She’ll have a good time.
Why does everyone assume the worst? I am not an idiot! It was Spirited Away. She said she liked animated movies. Thought she would like it.
I don’t assume you’re an idiot. That’s a good gift. It might have been smarter to invite her to your place to watch it though, but that depends on what your place is like, and also on the general “interested or not” vibe you’re getting from her.
In my opinion you are overthinking this. You just haven’t asked the right girl yet! Keep asking!
You can get a better haircut if you want, but it’s counterproductive to try to change yourself internally. You want your future mate to be attracted to you, and you want to be comfortable in how you interact with her. If it’s not working with someone, don’t try to force it; just ask another girl out and see how it goes.