I posted this question on a different forum but the inferface was so confusing i had no way of getting back to it to see my comments. So, here goes nothing.
Well, i was very popular as a kid. Lots of friends in grade school. Problems started in sixth grade when i had several seizures and was put on an anti seizure medication that changed my personality drastically. I had emotional breakdowns at school several times. A serious mess. That drove a lot of my “friends” away, and those who still liked me questioned me. I dont know what happened between then and middle school but for some reason my social circle dropped in size…dramatically. I went through most of middle school in an OK social situation but gradually stopped doing things with friends. In 8th grade i made the very bad decision of homeschooling…and it didnt work out. So, going into highschool i had basically alienated myself from all my friends. I kind of budged myself into a group consisting of just a few previously very good friends, but they never became good friends again. I didnt try to do things with them after school…blah blah. Well, im a senior now and I have slowly let this loneliness and self pity manifest in me and it has ruined my high school life. My shyness is boiling out of my ears, I have absolutely no self confidence, no self esteem, etc. The very idea of approaching a girl puts my stomach in knots. I dont really know what to do. I know i have potential, but my choices to seclude myself in the past have made me completely lose all of the social talent i had a long time ago. How do I start having the confidence i want? Im afraid that its too late to do anything about it in high school…i mean i plan to graduate in december. I find it difficult to rejoin a social circle and connect with people you used to know than become friends with people you have never known before. On the opposite side of that coin I am afraid i will let this pathetic view of myself become even worse after highschool and i will be a loner forever…and that i need to do something about it now. I dont want to have a girl attracted to me and want to be my girlfriend or something and run away because when she wants to meet my friends i would only be able to say i have absolutely zero.
Also, to make this sob story even more pathetic is I am told i am rather good looking…but i dont see it. Typically people ask for “ratings” because they are shallow and need to help their selfish ego but I am the complete opposite and just need some reassurance. In addition to the suggestions in your posts can you tell me what you think of this photo:
You sound like a typical teen and look normal. Do you know how to dance? Guess what it doesn’t matter. Ask a shy girl out to a school dance and just go. Spend your time with her and don’t worry about other people. Ask her about herself and how she feels about things and what kind of music she likes and such. You look normal and feeling weird and unattractive is part of being a teen. Accept it and move on. Oh and call her or keep in touch later, don’t be a guy who ignores someone they went out with or you will get an actual bad reputation, not just an imaginary one.
Forget the girls. Go find something you’re good at, and do it well. Or even better, find something you’re not so good at, practice, and become good at it.
Confidence, real confidence, only comes from doing things well. That confidence will transfer into other areas of life, like talking to girls. Any other tricks are just that, tricks. They’re shallow and false, and girls see through them like hair paint on a bald spot (or at least the girls worth having will.)
I didn’t look at your photo, because it doesn’t matter. My husband, who I love, literally more than life itself, is an ugly man. I don’t care, and that’s why I’m a woman worth having. When you become honestly confident, loving, compassionate and can take care of yourself and others, you can find one for yourself, no matter what you look like.
The photo looks absolutely horrible. But, quite possibly it is the photo’s fault rather than yours, and in real life you may not look nearly as awful as the photo makes you look. You are not really bright yellow, are you? Get a photo taken from a better angle in better lighting, and when you see it you might even like yourself better.
As to the rest, if I knew the trick that would turn unconfident young guys into ones that are confident around girls, I would bottle it (either literally or metaphorically) and make an absolute fortune. (Well, after going back in my time machine and giving several large crates of the stuff to my younger self.) People will tell you all sorts of ways to make yourself more confident, and very likely most of them work for some people, at least to some extent, but I very much doubt that any of them work for most.
Unfortunately, though, it is actually the best advice. For the most part, chasing girls only results in them running away. If you forget about the girls, and just focus on going out there and becoming an awesome person in your own right, girls will be attracted to you and come running after you instead. You won’t even have to work for it, it’ll just happen automatically.
With the caveat that they won’t know how awesome you are if you just stay in and do awesome stuff in your room. You’ll need to be out where people are. Join a band or something. If you’re going to college, take part in some student activities.
The fact that you posted a great picture of yourself says something about your self confidence. Most guys I knew in high school would have felt too self conscious to do that. Yes really.
I was extremely shy in high school and didn’t have many friends either, so I know what you re going through. If you want to be good at talking to girls you need to practice, and the best way to practice is to become a friend to them.
No pressure, no dating, just someone they can talk to. Girls like to hear a guy’s POV on all kinds of subjects.
How do you start up a conversation? If you are in class ask the girl next to you how she did on the last quiz… or what grade she got on a paper. School stuff.
Just talk about anything you want, and keep is casual. That’s the best advice I can give. Most girls are lacking in self confidence as much as you are. And if the first one you talk to doesn’t seem interested, move on to the next one.
There are plenty of girls in your school that would love to get to know to better. You just have to figure out which ones they are.
It’s either unfortunate lighting or you are an animated character. Hard to tell from one pic.
Aside from that, find something you like to do and talk to the girls you find there. And always remember - the girls are just as shy about you as you are around them. Don’t make any fast moves or loud noises.
This is good advice. Dance class, martial arts, language lessons are great venues for finding women.
And make friends with men as well as women- some of the guys will know more girls, and it just builds from there.
I think you already know the answer in many ways. Self-pity and dwelling on the past don’t help. It may not seem like it but these things (e.g. seizures) don’t define you. True confidence is something you can only get from doing and that’s the same for everyone. Be a little bit bold (though of course do be aware) in both making friends and speaking to girls. Sometimes it won’t work out, but set-backs are a part of moving forward and the more you do it the better you’ll become at it and the more confidence you will have.
Don’t beat yourself up about it, “image issues” are part of being a teenager. You look like a normal teenager to me, if someone calls you good-looking take the compliment.
Read “The Game” and “Rules of the Game” by Neil Strauss.
Yes, they’re about picking up girls, but really they’re about learning how to be socially confident; how to try and teach yourself the type of social ability that comes to popular and charismatic people naturally. They’re designed for people who people who aren’t having success with girls to start with (often very shy and socially awkward guys), and they’re relatively short and readable.
Seriously, apart from the weird angle, the crazy lighting, and the prominent display of religious iconography (but that’s just me), you’re a good looking young man, as far as I can tell. And I have great taste.
I guess you might want to pick a better picture for your online dating profile, though. Got any other (less yellow) ones?
Also, if other people think you’re good looking, their opinion is as valid as your own, even if you don’t see it yourself. Heck, as far as I can make out, I look like this, but to a number of very lovely young ladies I apparently look more this. If there is such a thing as an objective standard, it’s probably somewhere in between.
Welcome to the Straight Dope Message Board, doctorjekyll800. The General Questions forum is for questions with factual answers. Since this is seeking opinions and advice, it is more suited for the IMHO forum. It’s no big deal. I will move it there for you.
Moving thread from General Questions to In My Humble Opinion (IMHO).
I’ve never been particularly confident in social areas. I’d rather cook for and clean up after a party than actually attend it. Going out for a night of clubbing sounds about as much fun to me as a root canal.
So I’d start by saying that it’s OK to not have a huge circle of friends and be the center of attention all the time. Don’t feel like you need a quota of some sort.
My recommendation is to not look for friends per se, but to find things you like doing - sports, hobbies, games, volunteering, even the workplace - and you’ll automatically be meeting people. (I see a cross on the wall behind you. Church is an excellent place to get involved.) Even better, they’ll be people who have at least one thing in common with you because they’re doing the same thing you are. Friendships will come naturally.
If there’s anything to avoid, it’s to avoid being overly needy or eager. As I said, friendships come naturally and you have to let that happen. It’s like growing plants - you can’t see the first green shoot and decide to dump a ton of water and fertilizer on it in the hopes that you’ll have a tree by tomorrow. You’ll just smother it.
Also, work on the realization that you can do anything you want to. The only thing that might stop you from talking to a girl is you. My point of revelation with this was maybe a little morbid: I was standing over a cliff and though “I could step over the edge. I’m afraid of heights, but that can’t actually stop me from stepping forward. If I wanted to, I’d do it. It is only my choice that keeps me here.” This is real confidence, when you can analyze the benefits and consequences of a choice and pick the option that you want. Don’t feel trapped by habit, or by taking the easy or safe option.
If there’s any truly good news for you, it’s that college is a time when virtually everyone has their old circle of friends disrupted. So just about everyone will be in the same boat in terms of building a new circle.
I’ve been shy most of my life as well. One problem with me was that when I finally did work up the confidence to talk to girls and be more outgoing, I expected amazing results right away just by saying “hi” to a girl. That didn’t happen.
In the movies, every encounter is a cute meet, and every cute meet is followed by a direct cut to the aftermath of hot bedroom action. However, in real life, 99% of people you meet, girls or guys, won’t give a damn about you, no matter how good looking or confident you may be. They just have other stuff on their minds.
I finally figured out that focusing too much on meeting girls or making friends didn’t actually help. What did help was just being in the world, doing the things I enjoyed, meeting enough people without necessarily spending too much energy thinking about their opinion of me, and letting relationships just sort of happen naturally. 99% of people still didn’t care, but the remaining 1% sort of came floating around by themselves, as a side effect. And heck, the other 99% weren’t really people I cared much about anyway. I’ve always preferred quality over quantity when it comes to the people in my life.
I’m not saying that this necessarily is the case for you. Just an observation.
Oh, and… just be nice to people, be open and giving, without necessarily expecting anything back. You will still eventually get something back, from someone, somewhere, in a karmic sort of way, but not always the way you expect.
If you’re going to college (or even if you aren’t), take it as the chance to reinvent yourself. Every major stage of my life I started fresh. Middle school into high school, I had no friends carry over. High school into collge, no friends to carry over. Each time lets you start fresh and let you be whoever you really want to be. No pressure, you can try again. Nobody will know who you were. Nobody has any past to judge you by.
I’ve found “fake it till you make it” worked great for me. May not for you, but acting like the person I wanted to be eventually turned me into that type of person. It sounds like tricks and fakery, but you really can only be the person you want to be by acting like that sort of person.
The second bit I found that works is basically, care about yourself first. You are the most important thing in your own life. You have to be a bit narcisstic to get by in this world. Constantly trying to get others to like you, or trying to cater to their whims, or force your way into their lives, only gets them to dislike you because you seem desperate and unsure of who you are. Once you start living life for yourself, and not with the goal to pull people in to your life, people will gravitate towards you. Of course, you do have to get out and about a bit, but for the most part once you do what makes you happy and start loving life and yourself, people will love you for it.
Also, I do not recommend the book The Game as mentioned upthread. It claims to only be about building your own self-confidence, but it’s built into such an abhorrent social group (Pick up artists) that if you so much as mention it to some people they will view you with disgust. There are many other better ways to learn self-confidence than a book that runs in PUA circles.
I won’t comment on your photo other than to simply say, you’re not my type. However, my husband is not what most people would call traditionally handsome and has some facial features people make fun of him for. I think he’s cute as a button, and love him all the same for who he is, and that’s what matters. Just look at all the politicians out there and realize, someone married them. There’s no way there’s not someone out there for you.
