In which I avoid a IRL meltdown by ranting...

Ok, this is going to be long and whiny and self pitying so if that makes you roll your eyes, just move on to one of jarbabyj’s threads.

This has been a shitty couple of years and I just don’t know what to do. I am working in a job I kinda like but there is absolutely no future in as my bosses kindly remind me in not so subtle ways on an almost daily basis. I have been looking for a new job pretty hard but everything I have been offered has been for many thousands of dollars less a year than I am currently making when in reality I need to make about 10K more just to break even. I am less than two paychecks from being in a shelter for chrissakes! The stress of that is almost too much to take in and of itself. I can’t even get a new job as I am so far in the hole, the week or two gap would put me under. I sit here at work and smile and listen to clients blather on about whether they should go for the 10K or the 15K doohickey in their 100K kitchens when I cant even pay my bills.

That just compounds my other failures. I am divorced and I get along well with her but only because I still love her to some extent. I can’t tell her that as it would ruin whatever ties I do have and want to maintain for the sake of the kids and also for my own selfish reasons. So I talk to her on a regular basis and am over there a lot to see the kids, but every time I leave, I feel terrible. I get to hear her talk about all her wonderful relationships while I sit alone, almost completely rebuffed from anyone I have made any sort of advances to in the last two years. The very few people who have expressed an interest I have had no connection with and while I could have just gone for a quickie, I know that that would make me feel even worse.
So I still think about finding someone to be with but I know that it is pointless, as I am so broke and fucked up I couldn’t possibly be in a relationship. There is a woman who has been a friend but I feel apprehensive about moving on for fear of hurting someone else.

And my uncle died this past Sunday morning. Bob was my Moms’ only living relative and by extension, mine. He was more of a father to me than my stepdad ever was. I had a fight with him in February over some of his usual shit (pretty stupid and useless, but we Galvins always were a stubborn lot), and as a result, I did not talk to him until the 4th of July when I took the kids over to the bbq at his place. That was the last time I ever talked to him and I didn’t even say much to him  I was alright on Sunday as there was a pretty big group at his house and we spent all day just talking and remembering…
But the last two nights, I have lain in bed for hours just feeling all this shit of money, my failed personal life, my uncle and all the conflicting emotions therein, the realization that I have wasted the last ten years of my life and all I have to show for it is two wonderful children I cannot even support and who don’t understand why I cry when they ask me if I am coming with them on whatever vacation they are going on with their mom.
I have to find some way of telling them that the camping trip we have been busily planning isn’t going to happen because I cant afford it.

I’m not looking for pity or anything, I just wanted to get it off my chest as I have kept it all bottled inside and it has been killing me. Don’t worry about me killing myself or anything like that – I am too afraid of leaving my kids without a father like I was to do that. Plus I had to let my life insurance lapse so they wouldn’t even get anything! Really, I know that life is worth living and it will get better someday, I just can’t see out of the hole right now and I am starting to forget what the light looks like.

Wow. I honestly don’t know what to say, Mike. But things will be better, as long as you have friends and family, and the strength to keep going. And at the very least, everyone here is here for you.

Here’s hoping for a better tomorrow,
Walt

You’re a good man, Mike. That counts for a lot. Your children are good kids and you are able to pay the bills and keep the lights on. You’ve always had a kind word and a smile whenever I’ve seen you, and I don’t think that was surface dressing. I know, being well regarded won’t pay for the camping trip, but it is something that you carry with you where ever you are.

I wish you enough, Mike.

I wish you enough sun
to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain
to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness
to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain
so that the smallest joys in life
appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain
to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss
to appreciate all you possess.
I wish you enough hellos
to get you through the final goodbye.
[sub] -Bob Perks[/sub]

-Eric [sub](I don’t normally send things like that, but it fits too well, friend.)[/sub]

Alright look, I’m going to do this once. AND ONLY ONCE:

I…oh…jeez…

[sub]{{{{mikeg}}}}[/sub]

Hey, Herr Mikey, remember that long, pitiful nightmare rant I posted last week and how I was just about ready to get me to a nunnery? Turns out…that too will pass, maybe at the lightning speed of a glacier, but it’ll pass.

I don’t have everything all figured out, but I made some definite, if not small changes and it made me feel like I was on the right track. I cut off toxic people from my immediate circle, I went to the gym, I made phone calls and arrangements and generally acted like Rabbit in Winnie The Pooh.

So my advice to you (if ya even want it) is to do something different, out of your routine. Take a class or something. Do research on subject of your choice for no reason. Paint. I’m going to be starting Improv in the fall just for kicks, to see what it’s all about.

I’m sorry for everything you’ve been going through. I’m so sorry about your uncle. And please don’t ever discount the fact that you still get along with your ex. That’s good for you and your kids. A sign of maturity, I think.

jarbaby

((Mike))) [sub]But I’m a hugger IRL too[/sub]

Sounds like things have kind of piled themselves upon you. Remember, nothing is forever. Even the pissy times. Change is the only constant in life. I hope they get better soon.

Looking forward to meeting you at ChiDope; first beer/soda/milk/popsicle/Evian is on me!

Does your workplace offer a mental health benefit? Most do, assuming you have physical health benefits. You might benefit, so to speak, from talking to a counsellor, just to help you with a fresh perspective on things.

I heartily endorse some kind of change – especially excercise – you need those endorphins right about now.

Also, think about if there is something – anything – you can do to get your budget in order. Personally, finances way very heavily on me and when things are tight it is very stressful. What can you do to improve your situation? Examine things like food spending, car insurance (can you get a better deal? Geico, Progressive, etc.), rent (smaller place, get aparetmentmate, etc.).

Good luck MikeG.

((((MikeG))))

I don’t know if this helps at all, but I have to say that I am really impressed with all of the good choices you’ve made in such tough circumstances. I don’t think I would be nearly as strong in the face of so much. You should really be proud of yourself.

Oh, and take lots of deep breaths. That works for me.

Nothing bad lasts forever, and these bad times, too, shall pass.

I have no advice, but I wish you the best.

(offers lovely virtual daisy)

Mike,

You know I consider you a very good friend, and I hate to see you going through such a crappy time.
I can’t offer much more than my shoulder to cry on, but it’s yours if you need it.
Hugs & Love,
Rose

Think small steps, Mike. See a credit/financial counsellor (there are some free ones in Canada; I don’t know what’s available where you are) to make your money stretch as far as it can possibly go; some small changes can make large differences in the long run. Most of all, don’t be too hard on yourself. Do as much as you can money, job, and romance-wise, then take a break when it gets too hard (yes, adults are actually allowed to take a break from trying to do all the crap we have to do), get refreshed, then get back at it again.

Hey Mike, what happened to that possible MOCVD job? Even if you have to take a pay cut to get it, you need to seriously reconsider the future earning power this field can bring to you.

Let me know if I can help you with your resume. I’m editing one for another board member right now, but when I get back from my next work assignment I’ll gladly work on one for you. Believe it or not, your experience in the eleectrical and plumbing end of your job can be parlayed into a good reference that might be able to bump up your starting salary.

Sorry to hear about your Uncle, it’s good that you saw him recently. I hope that things will get better for you. It can be really hard to maintain a positive outlook at times like these. Some of the advice in this thread is quite useful. Small steps are a great place to start. If you go for the MOCVD interview I can give you some online tutoring about the basics of Chemical Vapor Deposition. It’s a lot like cooking, just with a bunch of exotic gases, and weird solid or liquid chemical sources.

Best Wishes,

Chris