I Need Encouragement, Advice, Spare Change...

For reasons that I think are best left private, I am divorcing my husband. Suffice it to say I think this is the best choice for both of us and he disagrees.

I just feel so all alone and hopeless right now. I’ve been stupid and let myself become dependant, and now I’m not sure how to get myself together. My best option right now is to go to my parents for help; it’s not exactly the ideal way to become independant, but there really isn’t any other place to go.

From talking with a friend today, I realized that I’ve slipped back into the depression that’s plagued me on and off my entire life. It’s a family curse. ::wan smile:: I’ve basically withdrawn from the entire world except on the most superficial levels, since moving here I don’t think I’ve made one true friend. I can’t seem to allow anyone to get close…not a good way to live. So it’s off to the doctor ASAP to get a prescription and a therapist. Lucky for me, I am the ideal psychiatric patient. Psychologists love me, I was the darling of the mental hospital, I was.

I just can’t stand to see myself like this, the one thing I can’t stand is self pity. I can’t bear the thought of my son growing up seeing his mother just shut up and put up with unhappiness. That’s not who I am.

This weekend, I went to my parent’s house to think. While I was gone, my husband put an old picture of me up by the side of the bed. Tonight, I was looking at that picture and wondering where that girl had gone. The girl everyone said would set the world on fire. She’s still here, isn’t she?

I’m not sure what I expect from you all. I hate fawning and yes men; maybe I want somebody to kick my butt? Good Lord, I can’t stand myself anymore, better change something quick before this loathing spreads…who knows what I might do?

So, anyone, got any words of wisdom for your old pal tater? Anyone want to kick my butt?

Oh, and yes this post has been inspired by a very nice Riesling. I’m hoping I don’t regret it, but ah, what the heck?

How about a change of scenery? Go somewhere (anywhere) new for a break and re-learn to do things that are new and exciting with people who don’t know you that well and can maybe kickstart some enjoyment. Remember what it’s like to do new and fun things out of your own choice. I don’t know if something like backpacking is your kind of thing, but maybe it would give you some ideas and some time to work out your thoughts.

Whatever you do, good luck. I’ve found that the beauty of this place is that there’s always someone listening, even if you never expected them to.


I’ve had the same feeling since I moved away from hometown to study. Unfortunely I don’t think I will get more than a couple true friends other than those from my childhood. And that’s something I will have to deal with somehow. I don’t htink there’s anything I can say that will make you feel better so I will leave it to other here who are better suited for it but I’m thinking of you.

TATEY, never underestimate the power of long-distance friendships, and even acquaintence-ships. You’ve been a great asset to this Message Board and are probably one of the best-liked posters. That has to count for something, right?

Sometimes the steps we have to take to make ourselves healthy or keep ourselves healthy are the most difficult steps to actually take – both for ourselves and for others. You have got to take care of yourself, both for your own sake and your son’s, because he deserves to have the real you for a mother, and you deserve to have the real you, too.

Remember, just like a bird taking off for the first time – that first step is the scariest one. :slight_smile: I’m sorry things are tough for you; I hope they get better soon. E-mail if you want a shoulder to cry on.

I’m feeling better now (quick mood changes are my specialty). I am going to the doctor because depression is the last thing I need on top of everything else. The meds balance me out so I can actually put into motion all these great plans I have for myself.

I’m not totally friendless, just no close ones nearby. That stinks, but now that I understand why I’m doing this to myself, things can change. And I do treasure all of the friends I’ve made on this board…you know who you are. :slight_smile:

God, you think I’m hyper now, wait til you see what I’m like when I’m happy.

Originally posted by tatertot

I’ll have a go at your butt, tater. I’m flying blind here as I don’t know any details (and I respect your wish not to share them), so I apologize if the following is just not relevant. But here goes:

Are you really thinking about your son? Or just yourself? He didn’t ask to be born. You gave him life, now you must make things the best for him. (As must your husband, but I’m not talking to him right now.)

Will divorcing your husband solve your troubles? He doesn’t think so. Has he done something unforgivable? Or is this not about him? If this is not something terrible that he continues to do, and your son loves both of you, I think you need to look at the real cause of your problems and deal with that.

I know a lot of people have this thing about being their own person, about escaping dependency. Running away from your dependency is not a solution. Everybody depends on everybody to some degree; trying to be totally independent is pointless, and won’t further the real goal, which is to simply be less dependent, which is a day to day struggle.

Well, I’m kicking in the dark, but I hope I connected with your butt at least once. If I was way off the mark, well, I’m safely ignored.


{{{{{{{{{{{tatertot}}}}}}}}}}} Boy, with my nonmarriage, I sure have no room to make too many comments about what people put up with in their marriages, or any relationship, but hey, when has THAT stopped me?? :wink:

There are too many details missing, how long have you been married, how old is your son, how old are you? And if you’ve been dogged by depression most of your life, maybe just one step at a time is needed more than such a drastic change for all of you.

Also, your husband putting out the ‘old’ picture of you, makes me wonder, where * he * is coming from too. Do you not have any up to date pictures?

What is it, you’re wanting to achieve for yourself? Rather than jumping to the top of the flagpole, maybe just think about ‘that girl in the picture, and where she went to’. Why not start in with some therapy, and long walks finding out where you let her go… You can always divorce later, if your mind is still set on it, but if in time, you start feeling better about yourself, and your life, it might be too late to undo what you’ve left behind, for you and your son.

Good luck.

Fuck yes, she is! Never doubt that. Your marriage is not working. You realise this, and are working to resolve this. The girl that would set the world on fire needs to think about her own sanity and peace of mind right now, and of her son.

Sweetheart, you’re still very young. There’s nothing you can’t achieve. You’re talented, humourous, caring, and highly intelligent. There’s a lot of people here, and no doubt everywhere, that care a lot about you.

Hang in there. And you know where to reach me. Anything, ask it.

There is so much I wish I could say to you, so many shared feelings of hurt and uncertainty…but however depressed and directionless I’m feeling right now, I’m still holding on to hope…sometimes this is all we can hang our hat on.
I extend my hand and turn and wish for you all the hope I can spare…I know that, whatever lies in my path ahead, the future holds the promise of many good things, together with my wife or separately. I pray that your future holds the fulfillment of your dreams as well, whatever they may be.
You are one of the most beloved posters on these boards…collectively you are in our thoughts and prayers.


Although Falcon says I know about everything ;), I cannot begin to be helpful right now. Just know that we love you and are here if you need to talk.

I wish I could do something constructive for you.
Shall I send chocolates???
Me and Tatertot Jr. are here thinking positive thoughts for you, and about you. You know my email, if you need me…

{{{Tater}}} You know where to get ahold of me if you want to talk, I’m sending good vibes to you…take care and I hope things will be better for you soon.


I do not have any advice.

I do have a question. (And I have no need to hear the answer.)

If you are dealing with depression, are you really sure that that is not what is driving your decision to divorce? I don’t want an answer and I really don’t think that a message board is the best place to discuss details.

Divorce is generally pretty permanent. It would be a shame to take that step based on things in your head that neither you nor your husband can control at this time.

I’m not arguing that you have made a bad decision. I am noting that you should look at more than “the situation” before you make a life-altering decision.

I’m not one to give advice; I have two failed marriages. I think depression played a big part in both divorces, but I think it was a symptom rather than a cause. Life is hard.

Best wishes to both of you that whatever comes, you will survive it well.

Sorry tater, that was me, not Bob, in the last post. Sentiment the same.


Dear tatertot-

My heart aches for you as you go through this. I know that you have been struggling with things for a while now, and I trust that you have thought through all the ins and outs and that you are doing what you feel will be best for you and your precious son.

I can’t do much to help, but I am here for you if you need or want to talk or vent or be silly or whatever. You are strong, and intelligent, and witty and a GOOD person.

Hang in there, sweetie.


Much Love,


Good luck tatertot and Family,
You feel that you have problems, you feel that these may affect those you care about and you are trying to take action to correct these problems.
This is definitely the action of a caring, and reasonably sane human being.

Well the only thing I can offer is to continue being open and honest about what you want and why.

Spare Change:
Sorry, but any time you need support. :slight_smile:


Tracy, you know how I feel about the whole situation. I don’t want to hijack your thread so I’ll leave St. Attila’s questions for another time or for you to answer but I think you know what you need to do.

You also know that I am here for you anytime you need anything at all. Hell, if you want to take the advice for a vacation, I know a great place you can crash for a while and take in some great Tennessee scenery and Moon Pies! (I am completely serious about this–just give me the word!)

Good call on the therapy and counseling, though.

Tater, you’re the coolest kid ever. Your posts rarely fail to make me grin, and occasionally, I’ma come right out and admit it, they make me giggle. Fucking giggle. You know how embarrassing that is to admit? But I do so, because you doubt you ability to set the world on fire. If I may channel, for a moment, the mighty Thor, I say thee nay. Verily dost thou already set the world on fire, if by “the world” you mean “the area of Lux’s brain which would cause that six-foot tower of manmeat to giggle like a schoolgirl.” And correct me if I’m wrong now, but I think you do.

tater I’m truly sorry to hear about your troubles! :frowning:

I have no advice for you (99% of the time I don’t know what the hell I am doing!), but please know that you have the love and support of everybody on this board who has had the unique privlege of getting to know you…