Thanks for all the advice so far. I have been reading along. Thanks for not piling on me too - I am always hesitant to post relationship matters here
One thing about not asking him to help on my house…this guy came into my life when I was about 6 months into owning the house. I had already done all the inside work I was gonna do. Then summer came and I did a LOT of outdoor stuff that required me to call in BIG favors. The only folks who were asked to help were people I’d done big jobs with before. Plus, during that time we still weren’t very serious, and he was busy with some other important stuff of his own.
Basically I am always trying to make sure guys have their space and not smother them. I think maybe I take it too far. I loathe those drama queen, needy girls and I think I try too hard to not be like them.
It’s great to know that guys like independent women though, and can respect a girl who respects their needs. Funny thing is that most of these guys I’m talking about seemed strong and independent themselves - not the sort of guys who need to be needed. So it keeps haappening to me (being left for the needy) yet I keep missing it.
I don’t know the first thing about decks, but I’ll happily help a girl pick out a new outfit. Presuming I get admittance to the dressing room, of course! Absolutely necessary for precision.
I’ve found that being secure and not ‘needing’ men but wanting to have one around tends to (although not always the case) get noticed by secure stable men who aren’t needy assholes themselves.
Those who are so insecure as to think ‘If she doesn’t really need me, that makes me expendable.’ are really unattractive no matter what they look like.
There are a lot of guys out there, like one I’ve been kinda talking to recently, who are decidedly looking for a chick who can take care of herself without them and who just wants companionship and affection. They want an equal.
My sister, no matter how much she bitches, will not get that guy because she’s too needy. It’s ‘my tire blew come help me’, ‘oh no there’s a spider come help me’, ‘the light bulb burned out come help me’ that drives away the kind of guy she wants. So she gets a guy who does everything for her, treats her like a four year old, talks to her like she’s stupid, strokes his male pride, and she’s still not happy.
I don’t like being needed - running is against my religion, but I’ll run fast enough to walk over the waters the minute I hear something like “I don’t know how I’d live without you”; on the other hand, nothing our middlebro has done offended littlebro and myself worse than when he hasn’t called for our help on issues where we happen to be experts.
You said you call friends for help. Try keeping this in mind: the guy you’re dating is a friend. Next time you can use his help, call him, same as you’d call any other friend.
I prefer slightly needy (makes me feel needed, oddly enough), but not NEEDY. In other word, yes, I want to be asked advice on some things, to open jars of pickles, kill the bug in the tub, someone who needs to be held once in a while, and I’ll listen to you vent, even. I don’t mind if I pay for most “date” expenses, either. And, I want you to hold me once in a while, listen to my rants, hug me when I need one, and sew on that button- and offer to pay for the popcorn, maybe.
I think you succinctly boiled it down right there. I’ve noticed that generally speaking, this is the case among people I know. If the guy has his shit together, and is confident, odds are, his girl will be the same way.
It’s rare in my experience to find a truly squared-away guy (or girl) whose SO isn’t similar in that regard. And it’s equally rare to find someone who’s clingy, needy, game-playing, etc… whose SO isn’t similar.
My girlfriend’s a pretty strong woman. She doesn’t think so, but I’ve seen her reaction to things, and she deals with them well. I think some of the time she does things to make me feel wanted/needed, it’s half-laziness on her part. Like changing light bulbs, etc… Sometimes I like doing it and helping her out, others I think “You lazy bum… why didn’t you do this?”.
That’s normal. All women (and I suppose men too) are “needy” to some degree in the relationship, otherwise what the hell do they need to be in a relationship for? The type of neediness **DrDeth ** describes can be endearing in an otherwise strong woman in small doses.
Guys do not like Needy (big “N”) women. Needy women need constant reassurance and are emotionally draining. It is a short trip from Needy to Clingy, Whiny and Jealous.
There’s nothing wrong with this, because you want a two-way street. I’ll ask a guy I’m seeing to help me put new brakes on the car or grab something off a shelf I can’t reach, but what I’m sayin with my sister is that it’s every single time. She’d rather sit at home alone and cry about a spider for hours until someone comes along to help her than just kill it herself. It’s not that she wants help changing a flat tire, it’s that at 26 years old she doesn’t know how to.
Everybody has times when they need someone else. It’s when it’s constant all the time need need need that you just wanna shoot 'em. She’s like a damn need-machine. It wore my ass out, and I’m her sister. I’m glad she lives hundreds of miles away now, but I still see her too often.
Interesting. You just described my 49yo brother to a tee.
The last SIX women he has been involved with have been needy. Not always in the whiney, way but often in the “I don’t have any money way.” The last one was not only down on her ‘luck’ she was also quite intelligent (as far as I could tell) and strong willed. Come to think of it, the last one was whiney too. They just get worse and worse.
She was scary.
He has moved three of the last six into his house. I don’t get it. He must have more problems than these women do. We keep thinking he will learn his lesson, but he never does.
Because these women have all been so untrustworthy and unstable (suicide attempts, theft, drugs. One called in a false fire alarm on my brothers house) he took his guns out of his house and now stores them at our fathers house. At least he’s thinking clearly there. But, umm, shouldn’t this be a BIG fucking wake up call?
They’re tramps as far as I’m concerned and it really worries my family. In fact it’s tearing us apart.
My 78yo mother finally got sick and tired of it and gave him her opinion about these sluts. Since then he has not talked to her in a year. It’s breaking her heart. Mine too.
After reading this, it seems that I have painted our family as some sort of down and out trashy mess. We are actually conservative in our actions (cautious and thoughtful) but most of us are liberal in our politics. I don’t think any of us have an IQ less than 135. Middle to upper middle class. Good jobs, nice homes.
I just don’t get what my brother is doing. Some sort of mid-life crises I guess. But it’s been going on for way, way too long. I’m in the middle of this mess trying to do damage control and get our family back together.
