Hello dopers, I’m quite a newbie here, although I’ve been lurking for longer than I’d like to admit. I figured there is no better way to break the ice than start a thread about a personal issue! How classy, huh.
So I’m seeking advice from a non-personal perspective, since it’s a personal issue.
Since I was young, my mother has always demeaned herself/her body/her mind, etc. I have been brought up to do the same. For example, I’m with my mom. I make a compliment about another woman’s hair/outfit/etc that looks nice and she states “I wish I had that”… or… “that’s what I need to be doing”. If someone is out running she beats herself up - “I need to get out there and do that”. If I compliment my mother-in-law about how good she is with the kids, she says “I’m the boring grandma”. When I was pregnant, she always made comments about how it was the only time in our lives her stomach would be flatter than mine. She’ll eat a cookie and then say “why did I eat this, I could live off the fat of the land for weeks”. My daughter was doing gymnastics one day and she said “God, I wish I was that limber”.
My mom is NOT overweight, and has never had an eating problem, so these comments are WAY out of line. This is not an occassional thing. It happens every single day. I don’t want to turn this into a “Poor me, my parents screwed me up” thread… but I have LOATHED myself since adolesence. My mom and I have banterings about who is fatter/flabbier/looks worse all the time. What is most frightening is that we are fit, healthy, nice-looking women.
I am terrified of passing this on to my 4-year old daughter. God help me. I don’t want her to be on anti-depressants and painkillers to feel good about herself as I have resorted to.
It’s doubtful you can do anything about your mother, and I doubt she’d be interested in changing at this point.
So you need to concentrate on your own behavior. Instead of commenting on how bad you look, say nothing. Stay away from the bantering, and make sure you never include your daughter in the game. Learn how to compliment here without comparing her to you.
The good thing is that you’re probably with your daughter more than your mother is. That will help. Learn how to control your habits of putting yourself down and it will go a long way to prevent the habit from being passed on.
It’s doubtful you can do anything about your mother, and I doubt she’d be interested in changing at this point.
So you need to concentrate on your own behavior. Instead of commenting on how bad you look, say nothing. Stay away from the bantering, and make sure you never include your daughter in the game. Learn how to compliment her without comparing her to you.
The good thing is that you’re probably with your daughter more than your mother is. That will help. Learn how to control your habits of putting yourself down and it will go a long way to prevent the habit from being passed on.
I was coming in here, not having read the OP, to say that Amy Winehouse was a strong contender no matter what, until I realized what the OP was actually about.
Though the more I think about it, I think she’s still in the running.
You refrain, (I assume, and one hopes), from swearing in front of your child, and you don’t find it difficult - you just don’t do it.
So just keep reminding yourself that this self demeaning talk is, in truth, far more damaging. If you can make the leap to viewing it as cursing it shouldn’t be that hard.
And if she was my Mom, I’d share with her my cunning plan and the reason for it (in only kind and gentle terms, of course) and ask her to at least participate in so far as observing my wishes, in regards to what is said in front of your child. If you get this far I would next throw down a challenge for Mom.
Offer her a reward (you probably know what currency will get traction for her) if she can go one month without ‘cursing’ within earshot of you.
Browse your local bookstore or library for a book on assertive communication skills marketed to women. There are a lot of books like this, it’s a very common problem. Even many women who don’t say things like this out loud say things to themselves subconsciously.
This is one such book with a good reputation: How to Say It For Women: Communicating with Confidence and Power Using the Language of Success
Changing these habits can make a big difference in how you feel about yourself and how people treat you. It will be worth it for yourself and your daughter!