Florida's modern-day executions are too humane...

I suppose death by ooga booga is right out, then?

But the added discomfort bestowed upon the convicted will give the twits who yell “Huzzah!” when a man is executed an even-more rock-hard boner. Right? And who doesn’t like a rock-hard boner?

I feel ill. Grateful to be living in a time and place where this is (I hope) not practised, but also, very, very ill.

If we try hard enough, we might be able to sell Florida to the Seminoles. Anything to get them out of the USA.

Lesbians.

He’s from the Panhandle. Blame Alabama.

Yeah but they’re only lesbians because they’ve never seen a good post-execution high hard one.

Excellent!

Using wild tortoises.

I was just reading that firing squad is actually the least painful way to be executed, although I’m not sure how anyone could really know that.

From the lack of complaints received from the “How did you like our service” cards.

He makes this sound like a sophisticated exchange-- “a conversation with a constituent…over the legal battles associated with the Sept. 28 execution of Manuel Valle”?!? I guaran-damn-tee this conversation went something like this:

Waffle House diner: I’m so sick of these liberals standin’ up for these sick animals on death row. We should just shoot their asses or let ‘em fry like we used ta.
State Sen. Drake: I like the cut o’ your jib, old bean. I’ll get right on that.

Imagine an applause-o-meter rigged for screaming.

Well, that’s an improvement, his first idea was to introduce *Human Centipede *as a method of execution.

Preface: I am against the death penalty in almost all cases for a variety of reasons.

Am I the only one that really isn’t bothered by this? Remember, these are the people who our justice system has determined worthy of death. They (ignoring miscarriages of justice) did something truly horrific in order to deserve it. At that point, why be kind to them in dying? Why shouldn’t they be killed in the most horrific way that doesn’t cross the line between murder and torture (firing squad/hanging/stabbing is murder; tying someone up until they starve/die of septic shock is clearly torture)? It makes it clear: “if you do this, you will not only die, but die badly” and really adds to the horror factor. I mean, not everyone is afraid of death, but nobody likes pain.

That which doesn’t kill me just makes me want to roll over and go to sleep afterwards.

Do we really want to start down this path? We’ll have people proposing we cut prisoners into eighths. And then somebody will top that with sixteenths. And then thirty-seconds. Pretty soon we’ll be sentencing people to be drawn and thrown into a wood chipper.

Well a wood chipper saves money on feeding the horses, so that’s good.

From Tom Paxton’s “Bring Back The Chair”:

The present rules could use revision.
Make the obvious decision.
Put it all on television.
Let’s bring back the chair.
Slap a little makeup to 'em
As the juices sizzle through them
Howard Cosell* can interview them
Bring back the chair.

*Obviously a very old song. Today I’d use “Oprah Winfrey.”

Because we’re supposed to be a civilized society. Inflicting horrific pain should not be part of our justice system.