Flowers, Teddy Bears and other things left at sites

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is probably excessively curmudgeonly given the recent attention to the Oklahoma City bombing…

But does it bug anyone else as much as it does me that people spend money on things that will just be left there to be rained on, wilt, etc.? I’m talking about the 11 quadrillion bouquets of flowers that were left for Diana of Wales after her death. Or the teddy bears pinned to the fences in front of school shooting sites. That sort of thing. I realize these items are there to be seen and to make a statement, but I can’t stop thinking about the use to which that money (spent on the items) could be put. Think of all those flowers stacked against the palace gates! Imagine all that money going to Diana’s land mine organization.

I completely respect people’s need to make a gesture. I think this is important. But why not tack a poem (free!) to the fence, damnit, and give the money you were going to spend on flowers to a memorial fund or a charitable organization?

I’m not talking about flowers and gifts that are sent to the family directly (although I’d bet some could make a compelling case for some restraint here, too). I’m talking about things that are left (mostly anonymously) at memorials, crash sites, etc.

BTW, I don’t know if this is utterly contradictory, but I think it’s neat that the Park Service saves all the stuff left at The VietNam Veterans Memorial, and that some of it is displayed in museums. See, I’m not unsentimental, just a hypocrite.

2

The same thing has occurred to me - it seems to be an artificial way to grieve… yeah, I know, everyone grieves differently, but this seems contrived.

What say we go out for a cup o’ coffee and a curmudgeon session?

:smiley:

3

Ooh, can I come to the curmudgeon party? I hate that, too! If you want your gesture to mean something, send the money to a cause they supported/a related cause instead of the flowers, bears, etc. (I also hate roadside shrines, which probably really puts me in the curmudgeon category.)

4

About a month ago, around 2am, two cars were drag racing, one lost control and hit a tree infront of a house, killing the driver. Friends, family, etc. hung a wreath on the tree, placed flowers around it, etc. Now, I’m as caring as the next guy, but they still keep putting “memorial items” around the tree. If I were the owner, I’d have a hard time being patient. Because:

-This guy was drag racing and if it hadn’t been for the tree, he would have careened right into the house (who knows if he would have injured someone in the house).
-I wouldn’t want to be constantly reminded that someone died in my front yard.
-It’s a small yard. It’s being filled up by all the “Memorial Items.”

I feel sorry for his family’s loss, but I would have a hard time putting up with this for so long knowing that he had come close to injuring my family.

Does that qualify me for the curmudgeon party?

5

For me, at least, the difference with the stuff left at the VietNam memorial is that it is often from someone to a specific someone else. From you to your brother. From you to your high school sweetheart. From you to your father whom you never had a chance to meet. From you to someone you served with.

I’m more amazed and curmudgeonish about the expensive stuff left from strangers – the Princess Di and JFK Jr. type memorials. And I understand that sometimes a stranger’s death can mean something to you for whatever reason, no one has to defend being touched or saddened by a celebrity death. But I’m with Cranky – give the money to charity!

Another thing – what’s with the teddy bears? I can see it if it is a child who died, but teddy bears are showing up at the memorial sites of people of all ages. If the ancient Egyptians had the right idea, and all the stuff that gets buried with you is for your personal use in the afterlife, a heck of a lot of people are going to wake up on the other side, and be extremely confused that the next world is apparently some sort of giant carnival arcade. They will be extremely disappointed when they realize that they only got the cheap teddy bears, and not the beer tent or the fried dough booth.

6

I worked at a magazine in the same building as the British Embassy in 1997, and you should have SEEN the Diana hysteria. Guards had to help us in and out of the building: for about two weeks, there were hundreds of people lined up every day to sign “condolence books” (which—come on!—no one was ever going to read), or leave balloons, teddy bears, notes, drawings, flowers—all of which might have done more good at hosptials or old folks’ homes.

Even the die-hard Dimanaics in our office were appalled at this nonsense. We thought of leaning out the window and scattering rose petals on the crowds, just to read the reports of the Miracle the next day . . .

7

Shortly after I moved to Norway, King Olav V shuffled off this mortal coil. He had been king for many years (1957-91), and was much respected and even loved by the common Norskie.

He died late one evening in January, a dark month and that year also a quite chilly month. For about a week, people came out every evening and lit candles in the snow in front of the Palace in Oslo and in front of royal residences in other cities. It was a quiet and dignified way to say a public good-bye to a quiet and dignified man. It was tasteful, it was beautiful, and I think Olav would have been honored to know that people did that for him.

So yes, Virginia, it is possible to mourn someone publicly without cheap teddy bears and dying flowers wrapped in shiny plastic. The problem is getting this message out before the next celebrity decides to follow James Dean’s advice.

8

Well shame on you all for being a bunch of meanies!

Or, to put it another way, of course you are right!

Those little memorial thingies are not the best, most rational use of people’s money. But can I invite you to consider that people aren’t actually very rational beings?

Those who have posted here earlier obviously represent a more intelligent sector of the population, who can find a personal and more inward way to do their grieving.

But for many in our western world, there isn’t much of an established vocabulary to express grief and mourning. These people will find a sense of completion, or satisfaction in rituals that give them an acceptable way to express their feelings.

The rituals themselves may be silly or vulgar, but the feelings, believe me, do run deep. And spending money on these memorial items, as a way of making the gesture more real or important. I think you’re all sensitive to that, because nobody has suggested trampling on the flowers, or decapitating the teddy-bears.

But I think if you can have respect for the people involved, and their feelings, that can help you have respect for the symbolic purchases that it involves.

And if you like the idea of someone getting you flowers or chocolates for Valentine’s day, I wouldn’t point out the illogicality too clearly. That’s a form of irrational behaviour you might like to encourage.

(But not a stuffed toy, please. Or a foil balloon with a printed slogan.)
Redboss
PS Yes I know you are alive and Diana is dead, but the fact is people usually give gifts more because it pleases them, than because it pleases you - but that’s another thread…

9

This is a link to a description of a tornado near where my family lives (scroll down to the stuff about 1989, Coldenham).

As you can imagine, with nine children killed, the teddy bears and flowers were bound to pile up. What I can’t find a link to, because the local paper only seems to go back to 2000 on-line, is the story of how yet another child was killed after the disaster. I bet it’s available through Lexis-Nexis, but I know not everyone has access to that.

Her mom decided they should drive out to the school and leave flowers. The little girl (who was not a student there, or even school-aged, AFAIR) was hit by a car in the process. If memory serves, when a permanent memorial was set up, engraved with the names of those who died, her name was included.

Sad, disturbing story… the child was likely too young to even understand much about what the flowers were for.

10

Hi Rosebud!

Redboss