Here’s the scene. I went out to a local pub last Friday, to meet up with a group of friends. Near the end of the night, almost all of them have gone home, leaving myself and two friends of mine, a couple, Dave and Vanessa.
Vanessa’s down at the far end of the bar talking to some friends from high school. Dave and I are at a table, talking about something inane, when two girls walk up to the table. One stops, asks if she can set her purse on the table. Sure. They stand on the far side of the table (it’s a high table, made to seat stools), talk among themselves for a bit, and then start to make small talk with Dave and I. (In all fairness, it was probably mostly for Dave-he’s definitely the better looking of the two of us.) We must not have been as receptive as they would have liked, because at one point, one of them stopped and asked if we were together. Dave and I chuckled, and said no. I think we may have made a joke about giving each other a kiss, at which point one of the girls gives us this little gem:
“You know, I wouldn’t mind seeing you guys kiss.”
Her friend agreed.
Okay, WTF? I must say that I was impressed by the fact that they actually initiated the contact, but God and sonny Jesus! What exactly was that supposed to accomplish? Man! I immediately felt like saying something even cruder than that, but held my tongue. Dave and I just kind of gave them a strange look and didn’t say much, and they went away soon after.
If nothing else, though, I got a bit of confidence out of that. No matter how bad I think I am at striking up conversations with women, I’m not and will never be that bad at it.
Just thought I’d share.
Then he said, “That is that.”
And then he was gone.
-Dr. Seuss, * The Cat in the Hat*
Jumping spinning back crescent kick. Trying to hit someone with this technique is sure to fail (although, funny enough, just last year I saw somebody clock a guy with this in a tournament).
A lovely little tale of this clueless dumbass i used to hang out with.
He and I are about 16, wandering about on a summer night the way kids with nothing to do and no car usually do. We come upon these two pretty cute chicas and start up a conversation. They invite us to share their grassy area with them, and we oblige. Things are going well, i’m starting to hit it off with the girl i’m talking to. When suddenly, Mr. Classy pops up with this gem in a lull of conversation to his lady counterpart:
“You know, if you could turn dog shit into gold, you’d be rich.”
Needless to say the conversation stopped soon after.
The worst attempted pick-up line I ever got was “Hey, look, I just had my thumb reattached.” When I didn’t say anything, because I was so dumbfounded, he said “Well, I’m just going to keep talking until you leave or tell me to shut up.” I pounded the rest of my beer and got the hell out of there.
Well, this wasn’t exactly a bad pickup line, but it was probably the only one that struck me as a line. I went out with a guy who lived at my apartment complex who said, “so, would you like to come over and see my lizard?” Boy was I surprised to see that he had 4 chameleons, a water monitor, and a bearded lizard. I saw his other “lizard” later.
HUGS!
Sqrl
Gasoline: As an accompaniement to cereal it made a refreshing change. Glen Baxter
Well, the lamest one I’ve gotten was this real subtle one: “Do you think my breasts are firm?”, but the one that made me spit my beer across the stage was: “I’m Cristi - how’d you like to play my skins?” (I was sitting behind my drum kit at a show)
I concluded from this that woman demand equal rights in everything, including the absolute right to make asses of themselves.
While I was at university I am ashamed to admit I fell for the following, despit being fairly sober.
Friday night, sitting in a bar, chatting with friends, girl comes over, sits on my lap and says (straight faced) - “excuse me, do you mind if I get off with you?”
“Hi! My name’s Bob, and I have my own landscaping and pet care business.”
“You’re an English major? Great, I love F. Scott Hemingway!”
“Why are you sitting all alone with a broken ash tray?” (I borrow the intact ashtray from the next table, and explain that I’m not, any more.) “Oh. Well, do you do crack?”
“I know this is a gay bar, but I’m not really gay … it’s just that I’m here with my wife, and SHE’S a lesbian.”
(These last two from Spanish guys with limited English skills.)
“How are your trousers going?”
“You have the face of an angel … I don’t know if you have the same wars in America, but you look just like an angel in the last war.” (Actually, I thought this one was sweet, if surreal.)
Now Sue… you know that wasn’t as interesting as the guy who wanted to ride you like a wild bronco…or even the time whem… oucchh ok ok… I’ll stop already! =)
“Only when he no longer knows what he is doing, does the painter do good
things.” --Edgar Degas
From two real Lotharios as my friend and I were walking into a bar, “So, do ya gurls deer hunt?” I was speechless, but my friend who was much cooler quickly replied, “Why no, apart from whittlin’ we don’t have too much spare time.”
One night I had gone out with a friend and her new love interest just to hang out. When it became blatantly obvious that they needed to be alone, I left with a guy I had met a few times but didn’t really know to go get some coffee. He decided to skip the coffee and drove out in the woods, parked, looked at me and said, “Do ya wanna?”
Ummm, no. So instead, he launched into his own personal alien abduction story, complete with bright lights and missing time. I think I was supposed to be dazzled into submission…
I have heard many stupid pickup lines. But I swear on my life I DID NOT SAY THAT TO SAKE. It was another Cristi. And her name was probably spelled differently.
Idiot driving through the Village: “Hey, where can I find some cute boys?”
Me: “This is the Village. We’re everywhere.”
IDTTV: “Do ya wanna have sex?”
Me: “Yes, but not with you.”
