For the love of all that is decent and good...help me!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I am falling asleep.

Normally, at this time of day, that would be normal for me. However, I am less than two hours into the second leg of a double shift here at work. Falling asleep now would be bad, as I am the only one here.

I have read (and reread) almost every thread on the board–I had to pretty much stop responding because I couldn’t even figure out what my posts said after I typed them out.

I need some funny stuff to read. Or weird, bizarre stuff. Or something. Don’t suggest I peruse the Weird URLs–some of them are neither and they bug me. Ordinarily, I would just wade through and find what I need but I have no patience to do that right now.

Fellow Dopers, I need your help! Post a funny story. Tell me a bizarre, weird tale. Help me!

Please, no links or posts that are too cerebral or involved–my feeble brain cannot handle those right now. I know that might be difficult for you but please try.

I promise not to ask anymore favors for a long while if you just help me out this once.

Please entertain me!

2

I thought mebbe I’d juggle for you - that’s entertaining, right? In theory, I mean?? So, anyway, I looked on my desk for juggle-worthy objects - a stained coffee cup, a nearly empty bottle of hand lotion, a box of tissues, a stapler, and the steering housing from nose landing gear. Interesting mix of items. If I really did know how to juggle, that would be extremely entertaining…

ummmm, sorry - guess I can’t much help ya…

3

Thanks, FCM, it’s the thought that counts!

4

Hmmm…all I can do at the moment is offer you a cup of coffee. My husband made it unbelievably strong this morning. Would you care for a slice of it?

Hang in there, evilbeth.:slight_smile:

5

Mmm…slice of coffee…might just help! thanks!

6

Can you get up and take a brisk wallk? That will help keep you awake. Perhaps make a game of seeing how fast you can walk whist holding a cup of steaming coffee?

7

I used to have this problem while flying missions. We’d have to get up at 2am, brief, preflight, and take off at 5am, and land at around 4pm. When we’d take off I’d be so tired, I’d put my headset on (I was the guy in charge, so it was important I listen to what was going on inside and outside the plane on the radios), and I’d sit there with my eyes shut and it would feel soooo good. Of course, everyone thought I was asleep, but I wasn’t, I was just sort of drifting along, listening to the chatter on the radios, and every time we’d get a call I’d answer it, so eventually they realized I wasn’t kidding when I said I wasn’t asleep.

Not that I’m recommending this for you.

On another note, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen asleep during afternoon briefs. My worst time is around noon to 3. If there’s a brief I have to go to during that stretch, and it’s something I’m not too interested in, and they turn the lights out for a power point brief, I’m in big trouble. I struggle so hard not to fall asleep, I can’t pay any attention to what’s being discussed. It’s horrible, and pretty embarrassing, too, when it’s a senior officer doing the brief, and here’s this junior officer in the audience trying to stay awake. No one’s ever said anything to me, but I’m sure someone at some brief or another has noticed.

Anyway, good luck!

8

http://mbtv.mightybigtv.com/ Light reading.

http://www.fametracker.com by the same people, also entertaining and none too heavy.

http://www.fadetoblack.com A bit twisted, but again, entertaining.

http://www.baldwinpage.com/bruno.html Read the archives. It’ll kill HOURS and it’s really, really worth it.

Those may help. Dunno. I tried.

9

Evilbeth, how about a little breakfast? Stick your head in the kitchen and smell - the anticipation will help keep you awake. (No guarantees that you won’t zonk out afterwards, but at least you won’t be hungry!)

Here’s some hash browns frying in the pan - smell the corned beef? Mmmmmm… And the toaster just popped - would you butter those, please? (No, not those - the toast. Well, OK, those too, if you think we have time…:wink: ) And would you like some eggs with your hash browns? Sunny side up, over easy, scrambled? Here’s a glass of tomato juice to go with that slice of coffee. Everything will be ready in about 3 minutes - now go wash your hands, and I’ll set the table.

10

Pretend you have a pen in your mouth, and then write your name in the air as big as you can. Middle name, too. It stretches your neck and gets the blood flowing.

You’re not, say, an Amtrak driver or anything? An air traffic controller? How serious a problem is this sleepiness?

The Centre for the Easily Amused has sites that are fun to look at, and other sites that do stuff:

http://www.amused.com/

11

There’s usually amusing stuff at http://www.rinkworks.com especially in “computer stupidities.” Definitely get up and stretch every time you feel yourself drifting. If you’re still the only one there you can safely jump around to get the blood flowing without getting stared at…

'Fraid that’s all the useful suggestions I’ve got. Good luck…

12

What if I don’t love all that is decent and good? Should I help you? How can someone named evilbeth call on all that is good and decent?
Try joesparsk.com and download the flash movies of Radiskull and Devildoll.

Or keep this in mind in your office.

I have traced the thread, the post are coming from inside the house! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

13

Thanks, guys!

I have some help here now so I can go and walk around for a minute. But keep up the good work–I only get two hours sleep before I have to come back and do this again tonight! I’ll be needing this thread then!

14

You should try www.supermegatopia.com A guy I work with does all the artwork and the storylines. It’s pretty good.

15

Just to help you, I will give you all the gossip in Tracy-land.

For starters, my life sucks (check your inbox for the details).

However, somebody has a crush on me! Which would be all good, except that he follows me around like a puppy dog and as he lives upstairs, I find myself hiding a lot.

Worse - he’s a very bad musician and is constantly writing songs for me. Very bad songs. I’m vaguely insulted that that is the best I could inspire.

I do have to admire his persistance though, despite my having both a husband and a boyfriend, he still thinks that there is hope for us.

In other news, I think I’ve just about talked P. into getting me an elephant.

And you know, my birthday is coming up…you could spend tonight at work making me a birthday card out of surgical tape and x-ray film.

:smiley:

16

Tell him I want Long Tom and Horn Dog at my door posthaste. I’ll be waiting…

jayjay :smiley: (Seriously, supermegatopia is good!)

17

If you like bad movies, or just making fun of them, there’s plenty of stuff at http://www.jabootu.com, enough to keep you occupied for days.

18

Seems like every time I see a thread with a title along the lines of ‘You Won’t Believe This!’ (dolphin sex, furries, dog thrown into traffic, etc.), I’ve already seen the link. On this site:

http://www.cruel.com

Lots in the archive too – and you can get random cruelty with the ‘Cruelette’ link.

19

If you are still alone~

*Take out a mirror and make faces at yourself. Either you will make yourself laugh or you will wake yourself up a little. Hopefully both.

*Listen to a CD or the radio. If a song comes on that you know, sing it. That always wakes me up.

*Along with singing to the songs you know, dance to them.

Of course, none of the above will help if you have to tend to others but it might if they need a good laugh.:smiley:

20

I just got this in an e-mail.
LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST: When your vibes meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE: When your glares meet across a crowded room

LOVE: When your partner sez “Let’s make love”
LUST: When your partner sez “Let’s screw”
MARRIAGE: When your partner sez “You want me to do what?”

LOVE: When Spring fills your heart anew
LUST: When Spring means you can do it outside
MARRIAGE: When Spring means yard work

LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have
LUST: When you argue who gets on top
MARRIAGE: When you argue about everything

LOVE: When you share everything
LUST: When you want everything
MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything

LOVE: Mutual Climaxes
LUST: Multiple Climaxes
MARRIAGE: Climaxes ???

LOVE: When you phone just to say, “Hi”
LUST: When you phone to pick a hotel room
MARRIAGE: When you phone to finish an argument

LOVE: When you write poems
LUST: When you write porn notes
MARRIAGE: When you write checks

LOVE: Consider abstinence
LUST: Consider aphrodisiacs
MARRIAGE: Consider assassination

LOVE: When you’re concerned for your partner’s feelings
LUST: When you’re concerned how long they can last
MARRIAGE: When you’re concerned what’s on TV

LOVE: When your farewell is “I love you too”
LUST: When your farewell is “So, same time next week?”
MARRIAGE: When your farewell is a muttered obscenity

LOVE: “Oh, that was wonderful”
LUST: “Oh, not already?”
MARRIAGE: “Oh no, not again?”

LOVE: When you’re proud to be seen with your partner
LUST: When you only see each other naked
MARRIAGE: When you never see each other awake

LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE: When your stomach turns every time you see them

LOVE: “When will I see you again?”
LUST: "When can we do this again?
MARRIAGE: “When’s dinner?”

LOVE: When nobody else matters
LUST: When nobody else knows
MARRIAGE: When anybody else matters

LOVE: When the songs on the radio describe how you feel
LUST: When the songs on the radio determine how you do it
MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio

LOVE: When you need to do things with your partner
LUST: When you need to do things to your partner
MARRIAGE: When you need your golf/tennis partner

LOVE: When you never want to leave
LUST: When you never want to stop
MARRIAGE: When you never want to go home