For the Love of All That Is Holy, Turn Your @&$%*!@# Porch Light On!

The BBQ Pit
1

In this thread, I mention the importance of leaving one’s porch light on when ordering a pizza for delivery, especially at night. I will now re-hash that concept in excruciating detail.

I deliver pizza for a major national chain (rhymes with “Bomindoes”). My delivery area is about 60% high-end real estate (by central Illinois standards, anyway), about 30% ordinary middle-class homes, and about 10% low-rent apartments. It’s that 30% that inspires this thread.

As a pizza delivery driver, I am quite open to robbery. Fortunately, only once has a driver from my store been robbed in the 12-or-so years it’s been open. But there’s always going to be a second time.

My odds of being robbed are greatly decreased when I’m in a well-lit area. When I’m standing there on your porch and it’s pitch-dark, I am wide open for a robbery. Some punk-ass kid may be hiding in your bushes, waiting to pounce. If you have your porch light on, that punk-ass kid is greatly discouraged. Yes, I know that this is the west side of town. I know that the west side of town has nicer homes and less crime. But I don’t care. I don’t enjoy standing around in pitch darkness any more than you do.

Each pizza I deliver to you has a label on it, indicating the address, the price of the pizza, etc. I cannot read that price to you if I’m standing there in the darkness.

And, most importantly, leaving your porch light on helps me find your house that much faster. If your address is 2316 Rastahomie Road, and nobody on your block has their porch light on (which is often the case), I basically have to go to the 2300 block and then try to guess which one is yours. This problem is multiplied when you don’t have house numbers.

And finally, I am sick of the hateful looks and exasperated sighs I get from some of you (not all of you) when I ask you to turn your porch light on. You may be surprised to know that, in accordance with company policy, I have every right not to deliver to your house if the porch light isn’t on. I could march right back to the store, your pizza and hand, and my boss could call you and tell you to come get it yourself. Company policy. Please, extend me a little courtesy, will ya?

Please, dear people. Help a guy out. Porch lights cost $1.50, tops, at Wal~Mart. Use them.

Your humble pizza guy.

2

I used to deliver pizzas, so I hear you, brother. Christ, people get pissed when you ask them to turn on their porch light? Dipshits.

3

I don’t blame you. That has to be a scary job at times.

Is there any chance you could talk your managment into working into the patter the phone people have to deliver a message asking people to turn on their lights? As in “Your order will be $16.53. Please turn on your outdoor lights so our driver can find your house as quickly as possible.” Yeah, the goal would be safety — but if you tell folks it will get their pizza to them quicker, that would probably be more effective in getting them to comply.

4

Preach, brothah.

Geobabe
Former pizza girl

5

I dunno. I’d have to ask The Boss, and he’d just shrug his shoulders and ask his boss, who in turn would ask his boss, and yada yada yada. I doubt much would come of it. It’s a good idea, though.

6

So talk to the people working the phones.

In a less productive vein. They don’t turn on the porch light? I turn on the light for my CAT when he wants out at midnight. And he won’t sue me if he trips on teh step in the dark. He’s also not bringing me food. Its a light, you smack the switch when you are near the door or think someone might want to come to your door when its dark.

Keeerist!

7

We had to disconnect our porchlight when we installed our storm door (stupid builder installed it too close) and couldn’t find a replacement to fit in that spot for several months. I didn’t order takeout at all during that time because I couldn’t fathom asking someone to deliver to a house with no exterior light! It’s a no-brainer!

Of course, I do hate that when the porch light is on, 250,000 moths swarm our front door, but I’ll live with it.

Get yourself one of those huge swiveling halogen spotlights and shine it on all the houses as you pass, looking for the housenumber. That’d be cool. Cool right up until someone shot it out in annoyance, of course.

8

boo hoo hoo afraid of the dark. Go buy a flashlight, ferchrissakes.

9

Geez, Chas.E, kick his dog while you’re at it.

10

Can you carry a maglight around? One of the big ones that cops use. You can look at house numbers from a while away with them, and you can read your tickets. It is also a good baton, if need arise.

Chas.E, try going to complete stranger’s houses in a completely dark neighbourhood, when everyone who sees you knows you have money. Then say the same thing.

11

Money, food, and a working vehicle.

I’d second the suggestion of a club / maglite; not only for the uses that red_dragon60 mentioned, but also because it’s a subtle hint to people who don’t turn their lights on if you show up at their doorstep with a flashlight. Maybe not so subtle if you shine it in their faces <eg>.

12

Now look, I’ve been castigated in the past for making terse statements that are misunderstood, so I’ll clarify.
I have no problem with your plea to have people turn their porch lights on so you can find their house. But if you are mortally afraid of the boogey man lurking in the bushes at every house you visit, then you really need to go find another job. You’re just as likely to find the boogeyman answering the door as to find one in the dark shadowy bushes.

13

When I was in the delivery business, the problem wasn’t the
the lack of porchlights but the house numbers spelled-out in some shitty script that was difficult to read from a vehicle during daylight hours and necessitated getting out of the vehicle to read at night.

Cheap crackerbox developments have blocks and blocks of houses with no numerals on them. I guess the developers mistakenly think that script equals class.