[QUOTE=Coil]
The indifference is the worst part. If it was truly awful would be an easier decision for me.
That is the million dollar question. I would pay a lot for a crystal ball to view the future so that I know what is the right thing for me to do.
[/QUOTE]
Indifference…that’s a landmine. I think many therapists would tell you that indifference/neglect would be the WORST form of abuse. If someone hates you, at least they care something about you.
My background: divorced from someone who was indifferent, no kids.
I’d first ask myself if all counseling avenues have been exhausted. Marriage counselor, clergy, etc. may help and if you’re out of your head with depression, maybe it doesn’t occur to you to take this step. I’d say I was like that. But I also know it was tinged with “She’ll never agree to go.”
BTW for you economically-disadvantaged dopers out there, you might look up the Catholics in your local area. I myself am not Catholic but I did hang out with them…I played in the church choir, for instance. But I know they have a support network and many if not all of the services, like peer counseling, are not reserved for just Catholics.
I was a peer counselor for them, in fact. I used to get distressed calls from people who always wanted advice right then. I explained that we set up appointments and explore the issues, so they agreed but never showed up. My conclusion: they were panicked and the next day they decided against it. But I felt like I wanted to help them, even if I only had a five-minute phone call to accomplish something, so I came up with this.
“Think of someone you love very much, someone who is the same gender as you. Now, imagine that person calls you one day and says, ‘I have a problem.’ They start describing their problem and you realize, ‘This is EXACTLY what’s happening to me!’ What advice would you give that loved one?”
About 90% of the time, they’d say things like, “I’d kick him out. He’s a bastard. She deserves better than that!” Then I’d say, “So what are you going to do?” They’d say, “I’m going to stay.”
If this sounds like you, then you don’t know what co-dependence is and you need to read up on it. If you can’t treat yourself—love yourself—as well as your best friend, you have problems that will undermine you. I can’t overstate that.
But, back to marriage counseling. I did ask my then-bride to go to counseling, knowing that even if she declined, I asked. I didn’t want to look back and think there was something I could have done that might have helped. Maybe she was just as miserable and…? Or maybe it wouldn’t fix the whole marriage, but there would be some relief and I’ll take what I can get.
I went to marriage counseling (alone) for a year. :smack: The benefit from this: I had help in deciding whether I should end the marriage or not.
My hunch is that most of the people posting here should get divorces. I don’t mean to be too negative, so I’ll explain why. See what you think.
You probably don’t know where you really are, emotionally. It’s like my vision. I used to have really good eyesight but a recent doctor visit confirmed that I could wear glasses. The parallel: the emotional losses can be so gradual over time that you don’t notice. You become resigned to it, a joyless existence, so much so that you can’t remember that life is supposed to be a hell of a lot better than this. A lot of guys (me included) “wake up” when they find themselves having an affair—with someone who gives a flying fuck about you as a human being. Denial only gets you so far; biology and the survival instinct will kick in, sooner or later.
Are you really there for your kids? I know you must try your best, but what do you have to give them when you yourself are ground to a nub? My brother has two special needs kids and he said to me one day, “They don’t know much about the world, really, and that’s okay. But it would kill me if I thought my kids were unhappy.” Let’s turn that around: how do you think your kids feel about you being unhappy?
And unfortunately—maybe this is the best reason for divorcing—kids learn from you. A lot of people stick around to show their kids that you can’t be a quitter etc. and I get that. But they learn vicariously, and they learn more from what you DO than what you SAY.
Extreme example: Daddy comes home from work every night and beats mommy. 1) The little boy witnessing this may grow up thinking that’s normal, that this is how men are supposed to treat women, and 2) the little girl grows up thinking that this is expected, that women are for hitting. It’s “normal” to them—aren’t all households like this?
Your example: married men and women aren’t supposed to be loving, caring, decent people to each other. Don’t be surprised if their marriages end up looking like yours. I know you want better for your children.
More of my thoughts later…if anybody wants.
I’m sure that there is a family or two out there where it really is the best thing, because, hey, people are unique and contrary things. But if we could play out two different life paths for most of the people in this thread, I’d put money down on the divorce being the better option for them, their spouse, and their children in at least 90% of the cases.