Do too many people get divorced? I think so. I also think too many people get married.
But it doesn’t really matter what I think. It’s a freedom and a right that people have.
As with other freedoms and rights, the vast majority of people use them conscientiously and responsibly. Some abuse it. And when somebody else, or the government, tries to impose its will on something that should be a personal choice between the two people involved, that creates a worse problem than abuse of the marital institution.
I heard about a new study a few weeks ago (no cite, sorry…this was on the radio while I was driving, so I couldn’t take any notes) about how couples who stay married are happier in the long run than couples who divorced. (This was excluding people in abusive relationships, who naturally were happier when they left.) The reason? Marriage has normal up-and-down cycles, and the couples who stuck it out found their overall marital experience worth more than the relief of leaving during a tough time, boredom, etc.
My own parents fought all the time when I was a kid, for years. They’re fine now and happily in love. Go figure.
“A child of divorce is more likely to develop behavioral problems in school, drop out of school, experiment with drugs, experiment with sex, and have problems developing long lasting relationships with the opposite sex later in life”
But Eve, how do you define “happily married”? It seems to me that if people are reasonably content, it is demonstrably better for kids to have parents to stay together if for no other reason than one household is cheaper to maintain than two and single parenthood is a very stressful thing. It is fairly normal for relationships to go through periods of “doldrums”–periods where your lives have very little to do with each other and when both people are thinking more in terms of themselves than as a team. These doldrums can lasta couple years. In cases like this, I think it is much more reasonable for childless couples to split up, where as couples with children should stick it out longer. I’ve known marriges that stayed together “for the sake of the children” and then renassanced later on.
In a nutshell, what I am saying is that while the effect on children should not be the only factor in deciding to divorce, it can and often does have some negitive affect and that reasonable people should weigh that factor in along with everything else, just as reasonable people would weigh in the effect on the children of moving to another state, another country, or of taking in foster children or elderly in-laws.
Milo’s got it correct. My opinion on if Couple A should remain married or get divorced is immaterial.
We would hope that the parents of said kids would be in the best position of determining what is in their (kids) best interest. If they aren’t, then frankly it won’t matter if parents are together or not.
If people cannot resolve their issues, to the point that it is harming their children and/or themselves, they should get a divorce. What is a minor problem to one couple may be devestating to another. Some couples are better at working out problems and can get through almost anything together. It is hard to say from the examples given if those are “good enough” reasons, since each couple is different. Also, some people can “put up” with a lot more without going into a depression, for example. I do think it is sad when couples give up without so much as a therapy session, or even a sincere attempt to compromise. Then again, I have also seen couples stay together when they would be better off apart.
I agree, though, that more people should ask themselves if they have good reasons to get married. I have seen it happen too many times just because it is the expected thing to do, or because they have been together for a while and it seems to be the logical next step.
That does not claim that children are worse off with divorced parents. It just says that people who get divorced are also more likely to be bad parents. Or possibly it might just mean that parents who don’t get divorced are more likely to cover up any problems they have.
M y parents weren’t bad parents, or bad people, but they never should have married each other. After a while, they had nothing in common and were making themselves and everyone around them miserable, and were fighting all the time. I think it’s far better for people in that situation to divorce if attempts at reconciliation don’t work out (and they did try counseling for a long time, and a legal separation, before throwing in the towel).
IMHO it’s far worse for kids to grow up in a single-parent household than in an atmosphere of tension and hate. I’m glad they got divorced, and I’ve spent my life trying to learn from their experiences in choosing a partner.
[Inigo]
I do not think it means what you think it means…
[/Inigo]
To much divorce? YES
How to solve it? Make it tougher to get married. I would love to see some statistics for the rate of success of a marriage compared to the length of “courtship”. My gut instinct is that Vegas-style marriages are bound to fail more often…
Ohmigod, I’ve been so damn sleep-deprived; I really meant it’s BETTER for kids to grow up in a single-parent household than in an atmosphere of tension and hate.
FTR, I also believe my parents never should have ben married to each other, but they dated for more than 2 years first and I don’t think putting more bureaucracy in the way would have stopped them. They just made a whopping mistake. YMMV and all, though.
Plus, people who do live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced than those who do not so, that wouldn’t necessarily lessen the divorce rate - assuming that was the overall goal.
I do not think that it should be harder to get married from a legal standpoint. The current standard (both adults who consent to get married) is enough. I think the change needs to come from a societal level - a more realistic portrayal of marriage in general, encouraging pre-marital counseling. Friends encouraging friends not to get married in the first place (or to wait) instead of getting caught up in the need to get married as soon as possible… I think that it is one of the things that should be fixed by the pressures of society, not by the law.
For very practical reasons, it is much better to have two adults in the house raising children. It is too big of a job for one person to do well, IMHO.
But, I also agree that there is nothing that can be done to prevent a high rate of divorce by the government. Waiting periods and such just wouldn’t work.
I do remember reading some article recently about how men are more hesitant to getting married now than ever before. We are something like 50% likely to be divorced in 6 years, at which point we get half our wealth taken away. So, many men are pushing out the age of marraige longer and longer. Perhaps this naturally occuring phenomenon will increase the rate of successful marraiges. (Assuming of course that getting married later in life increases the odds of it “sticking”).
I don’t see why lowering the divorce rate should be a goal of our society. What is inherently destructive about divorce, outside of certain religious objections?
I am somewhat bitter about this subject because the societal taboos against divorce – and they do very much still exist, especially among more conservative people and more conservative religious groups – were one of the reasons my parents stayed together as long as they did. My mom was convinced that to be a good Christian and a good mother, she should keep the family together despite the abuse and the dysfunction. I am firmly convinced that the best thing my mother ever did for our family is to divorce my father, and I am angry at people who have shunned her or criticized her for that decision.
I think it’s presuming awfully much that the ideal couple should stay together for their whole lives. I don’t think marriage should be considered more sacred and important than happiness, and I’m afraid that it’s how it is among many folks today.
I found out this weekend that one of my best friends was thinking of leaving his wife for another woman. They have one son. He hasn’t done the physical thing with this woman, but he says he does have feelings for her that he doesn’t really feel anymore for his wife. They are separating and he, at least, is going to counseling
I told him that, while it is stupid to stay together solely because there is a child, it weighs the scales pretty heavily towards staying together. Part of the promise in a marriage that you make to yourself, to your spouse, to God (if applicable) and by extension to your children is that you will fight pretty darn hard to keep that marriage going. Only after some serious attempts at reconciliation should they go through a divorce.
If there are no children, the “reasons” for the divorce can be less.
I disagree. If anything, I feel it should be the opposite. If you are personally situated against divorce, then fine, but if you have kids involved that are in a dysfunctional / abusive household, they should get consideration above your preferences.
I believe you’re assuming that marriage is inherently better for children than divorce; I think that this is a faulty assumption. In my case, I think my siblings and I would have been much better off if my parents had gotten divorced earlier.
Would not a better idea be to simply say that the needs and wants of the children should be a, if not the, major consideration?
Any reason for a divorce is good enough for me. There’s no way someone should have to live with someone else if he doesn’t want to anymore.
Too many divorces? Yes, possibly. Probably because there are too many marriages in the first place.