A friend of mine might be looking at divorce. I think I shocked her by saying that I consider divorce a reasonable outcome for many marriages. I recognize the huge emotional impact divorce often carries, but I consider divorce itself to be neutral–like moving or changing jobs.
Put simply, I’m not surprised how many marriages end in divorce. Actually, I’m surprised more marriages don’t end in divorce. It certainly shouldn’t engender the moral censure that it tends to get.
What say you?
Personally, I respect any contract I enter into; and marriage is a contract. Many other contracts that people enter into expire at a specific time or after conditions are met. Marriage contracts are for life and should be considered that way.
It’s sad, but not as sad as a shitty marriage. I’ve seen people stay in bad marriages and it can suck the life out of a person. I also believe that it’s nice, but very rare, that a couple grows in the same direction at the same speed. People change. If you wake up and find that you’re no longer in love with someone, you shouldn’t condemn yourself to decades of unhappiness.
No they’re not. Some might be but mine certainly isn’t.
I suspect this one will be intense.
Moved from IMHO to GD.
I stand corrected then. The county in which I was married, did not state a time limit for the expiration of my marriage license. It was stated, during the ceremony, “Till death do you part.” Your contract may have stated a time limit, or other termination conditions, but that would be the exception.
You may have chosen to include “til death do we part”. We did not.
No. That’s slavery. The term of a marriage contract is “for life” but exiting a marriage can be an appropriate response to a change in circumstances, or to a breach of one of the provisions of the contract (i.e., to love, honor, be faithful, etc.).
Any contract can be terminated; the penalties for early termination vary, but it’s always possible. Marriage is no different, despite the romantic notions that many people have about marriage.
In my personal opinion, divorce is sad. But it might be the best thing. I think it engenders moral censure (particularly when the marriage is of short duration) because we think that the couple went into it without giving sufficient thought to what marriage entails, or they didn’t fight hard enough to make the relationship work. Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t. But I agree that divorce is just like any other life-change – could be more expensive in money, time and emotion than you expect, but ultimately it ought to lead to a better life.
Divorce might be the best thing.
But… I’ve seen a few studies that purport to demonstrate that it’s quite often the case that divorcees are neither happier nor better off after a divorce, and that remaining married was generally better for both parties involved. That’s on average, of course, not in all cases - an abusive relationship, obviously, would be a case where divorce is a good idea - but the gist of it was that divorce quite often doesn’t make the couple happier and in many cases makes them much less happy. So it’s not a decision that should be made easily.
To be honest, I’ve known a lot of divorced people who had their lives pretty much destroyed by getting divorced - their finances blown to smithereens, children bitter and angry, baggage carried around you couldn’t fit onto the QE2.
I am not sure what the OP’s talking bout in temrs of “moral censure” of divorce; unless you’re Catholic, my perception is that these days the fashion is never to suggest there’s anything wrong with it.
To be blunt, that’s nuts. What if you’re spouse is abusive or disloyal ? Should you stay married to someone who’s spending you into poverty, sleeps with anyone who puts up with him/her, and thinks it’s fun to carve you up with a knife ?
Absolutes don’t work well in the real world.
Completely agree with the OP.
I think going going through a divorce is made much more stressful by the sense of failure that’s involved.
I don’t think it’s necessarily a failure. If you have ten great years together, and then things stop working, where’s the failure? You still have ten great years and nothing can take that away. If the only failure is the failure to maintain a relationship that isn’t doing you any good anyway, then what’s the problem?
I think the model of monogamy-until-death is becoming much less relevant. Back in the day, when men and women had an immediate and material need for one another, it made more sense. Now, it is quite possible for a man or a woman to never get married, and have a life that’s just as fulfilling as anyone else.
So let’s dispense with the model of till-death-do-you-part as the primary model of adult romantic relationships. It works for many of us, but certainly not for all.
I’m not sure I understand you. Are you saying that you expect most marriages will end in divorce?
Agree 100%. I respect Sgt Schwartz’s view on it, and agree within the bounds of *my * marriage, but won’t make the call for everyone.
And of course, while I agree with TDDUP, doesn’t that assume all of the honor, cherish, and obey parts (depending on your service) are met?
If I’m in a situation - any situation - that involves a contract and is failing, I’m going to pursue whatever legal means of voiding that contract is available, as I would expect the other party to do. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Contracts are serious but aren’t necessarily absolutely permanent.
Isn’t the rate pretty close to 50% these days? It rarely surprises me when a couple doesn’t make it. The odds of meeting someone who will meet your changing needs, or you meeting theirs, is staggering. I think a lot of people stay together even though they’re not happy. If couples divorced when they were unhappy, the percentage would certainly be higher on the divorce side.
Odds against.
If *only * divorce wasn’t considered such a bad thing. Coming from a culture where it’s considered no less than a personal failure, mostly of the woman, I’ve seen first hand the effects of giving it that kind of rep.
My parents have been together forever and hate each other. Will they divorce? Never, because people will talk.
My cousin is a wife-beater. :mad: Will she divorce him? Never, because her life would be destroyed. Her own parents would throw her out on the street, and his would not help her in any way, even if they felt bad for her. That’s provided the courts grant it. I’m not saying they wouldn’t, I’m just saying I really have no idea of the court system in India.
Divorce is a necessary cure to marriages that are regretted and regrettable. A large portion of the ones I see are people who got married way too young. Then they grow up and are different people. Yes, it does work sometimes, not that often though.
I wish even more than that we’d get over our last taboos of living together, encourage that more, as well as long engagementts, and think more about marrying. Too many people still consider it the “next” thing to do, and you’re still considered a failure in many circles if you haven’t gotten married by a certain age. No, it wouldn’t fix everything, but maybe thinking about it more would help.
Nothing is for life. Nothing can be for life when it comes to something as fickle as human beings, and I’m surprised that we limited ourselves this way. It is all right for individuals to say “My marriage is for life” but to turn around and say “Therefore *yours * must be, too” is wrong, IMO. What do we know about every person’s situation? And how much do you change between the ages of 20 and 50? Yet we expect you to be able to keep the same partner? Even though they change, too. Not impossible, but not guaranteed, either.
I guess I’m trying to figure out if you meet someone, fall in love, get married, expecting that some time down the road there will be a divorce, or do you assume you’ll be with them forever?
I don’t assume Ivylad and I are getting divorced. We’ve had some rough patches, but we’ve come through okay.
I think the “til death do you part” thing came from the days when if a man left, the woman and their children would become a burden to society. Someone would have to take them in, support them, etc. Things are different today.
I was watching the Today Show this morning. They had a woman who, back in the 70s, wrote a letter to a newspaper or something saying she felt like an outcast in her own generation because she chose to be a homemaker. Fast forward to the 21st century. Her husband left her for a newer model, and she’s devastated. She has no skills, lots of regrets, and is speaking out to women to get an education and a marketable skill in case the unthinkable happens.
The unthinkable happens quite often in American society.
[hijack]Anaamika, this discussion of divorce law in India looks pretty reliable: