Why is Divorce such an acceptable route to take for Modern Couples?*

In My Humble Opinion
1

When I was in Grammar School (late 70’s) I was shocked to understand that more than 50% of my classmates parents were divorced. Growing up in a predominently Roman Catholic society, I would think that the divorce rate would be lower.

<Skip ahead to 1988>

I am graduating from HS and realizing the institution of marriage is going down the tubes and it’s not really that meaningful. More than half of my friends parents are divorced, and it seems to be a nationwide phenomenon.

At 21 my parents divorce. Shocked I was immediately angered to find out the reasons…Fidelity issues.

All is lost, I’ll most likely never get married. I have no faith in the institution of marriage…or the RC church for that matter.

<Skip ahead 13 years to 2004>

I’m 34 and am happily married to the most wonderful woman I could imagine. We met in Grad School and are a level headed eclectic couple.
Statistics Show roughly half of all marriages in the United States will end in Divorce.
This is a commonly held belief. One I do not like to subscribe to , but nontheless a statistic.

Personally, my wife and I will never get a divorce, for more reasons than one, but the main one is that we grew to respect each other’s views on major issues. It was a tough road when we first started dating, some of the things I held in high regard she could care less about. And vice the verse.
However, we seasoned with each other and grew to love each other for who we are.
Too many people in this day and age, hold this belief: *If things don’t work out, we can always get a divorce. *

Of course that is a grandiose over simplification of the current societal trend, however, many people I know who marry young have gotten a divorce. It has hit home several times. One year we are getting together as a couple for dinner with the a-typical perfect marriage, and the next we are dining with the partner who got the house in the divorce. My wife and I have two sets of friends who we still keep in contact with post divorce. I am friends with the two gentlemen and my wife with the gentle women…It get’s tough…some have boyfriends and girlfriends and almost always one wants to know about the other… These are professional peoples here that we are talking about. Some still behaving like they never left HS.

My Q is multi-faceted: In the opinion of the Temming Millions, what are the largest contributing factors to divorce for the past, say, 30 years?
Why do 1 out of 2 modern couples (religious or non) feel divorce is a viable solution for when things go wrong in a marriage?*
Why is divorce so wide spread? Why aren’t more couples working things out?
**I would like to exclude fidelity issues for the time being at least.

2

I’m sure there are a number of reasons people divorce. Money is probably near the top. Kids are a real issue; whether you’re talking about how to raise them or whether or not to have them. Fidelity is a huge issue. Some people learn that they can’t be with one person for the rest of their lives.

One that goes rather unnoticed is that sometimes, much as you may dislike the idea, people grow apart. They mature at different rates, develop different interests, and one day you wake up with a stranger. There are ways to combat this, but unfortunately, many people don’t realize it until it’s too late.

3

Because murder is illegal?

Robin

4

AFAIK, it isn’t “one out of two modern couples.” The statistics are misleading in this way. I don’t know a lot about it, but as I understand it, second and third marriages are far more likely, odds-wise, to end in divorce. Thus there are a lot of people who get and stay married, some who marry once, divorce, and remarry happily, and another chunk of the population who go through two or more divorces, jacking up the numbers. (Heck, Liz Taylor alone could account for a percentage point, hm? :p)

As to why people feel that it’s a good idea, I don’t know, and I imagine there are a lot of reasons. I have no personal experience myself (by which I mean there have been no divorces in my immediate family).

5

Back in the 50’s, in the days of “Leave It To Beaver” and “Father Knows Best,” marriage was viewed as a life-long committment. People took great care in selecting their mates, because they knew that they were going to be in it for the long haul. On top of that, divorce laws in most states were a lot stricter. You had to prove to the judge that the other party had wronged you before a divorce could be granted. As a result, divorce was almost scandalous, and many couples stayed together even when they couldn’t stand each other.

Now, the pendulum has swung the other way. Divorce has become so easy to obtain, and people go into marriage not with a “Till death do us part” committment, but “Till I get tired and want to try something else.” In fact a lot of people don’t even bother to get married, but just move in with each other.

Unfortunately, the ones who suffer most are the children. It’s very damaging to a young child to go through a divorce, especially if there is bitterness between the parties.

6

I’m going to generalize a bit here so don’t bother telling me there are exceptions to what I’m going to say. I already know that.

Why do 1 out of 2 modern couples (religious or non) feel divorce is a viable solution for when things go wrong in a marriage?*

Because our society sends the message that personal happiness comes before everything else and so most people buy into it and head to a lawyer the second things get tough. We are a want-it-now society and repairing a troubled marriage takes, oh, time. And hard work. And gasp compromise. Can’t have that. We want a McMarriage. Religious or not, we want our marriages effortless with as little discomfort as possible. We want what we see on TV, basically.
Why is divorce so wide spread? Why aren’t more couples working things out?

We are a hyper-individualistic society. It’s all about being “true” to ourselves. Can’t get stepped on, ya know. We WON’T give up our dreams and goals for the sake of anyone, much less a mere spouse. Then you’ve got society screaming at you to “get yours,” and if you’re a woman it’s “honey you don’t need a man you can make it on your own.” It’s like it’s considered much worse to be “unhappy” than it is to go through several spouses in the course of your lifetime.

Society also makes it extremely easy to get a divorce, both legally and socially. Show me a married couple who is hitting a rough spot and there’s gonna be at least several people in their lives telling both of them that they’re being used, they’ve gotta stand up for themselves, no man/woman is worth wasting their life on, etc. No, I’m not saying that it’s bad to encourage people to get out when there’s an abusive situation. But we have the same kneejerk reaction to a man who, say, habitually forgets his wife’s birthday as we do a man who beats his wife: “leave his sorry ass.” There’s not even a mention of counseling … hell, most insurance companies won’t even consider paying for marriage counseling. If you were to compare the cost of, say, a year of marriage counseling to the cost of a no-fault divorce, guess which one is cheaper and generally takes less time?

We’re also a society that doesn’t want to “judge.” There’s no right or wrong anymore, it’s “do what feels right to you.” Can’t be telling people “you know, you really oughta live up to those vows you made.” And God forbid you suggest that maybe … just maybe getting a divorce is bad for your kids.

People are raised to believe that marriage is all about “being in love.” So we fall in love and get married … and then the heady, intoxicating feelings of love go away after a while. So we cry over not being “in love” anymore, and then we try to make it work, and when we find that we can’t make ourselves feel the way we used to feel, we conclude that the marriage is over. Nobody talks about how marriage … once the squishy feelings go away … is about commitment. It’s about living up to “till death do us part, in sickness and in health” no matter what. It’s not about being hot & horny the rest of your life, it’s about choosing to love the person you’re married to even on the days when you really wish you’d never laid eyes on them because they’re driving you crazy. Nobody tells soon-to-be married couples this, so they go into marriage expecting something that is impossible – and so when they don’t get what they expected, it’s time to run away – like Mom and Dad did when we were kids.

7

There is an argument (See Stephanie Koontz - The Way We Never Were) that the mean length of marriage really hasn’t changed, just the divorce rate. Used to be easier to walk out on your wife, never have either of you file for divorce, and eventually, just marry another woman. It wasn’t like we were great at tracking people across states prior to computerization. It used to be more common for a spouse to die young. It used to be that some people had marriages like my Grandmother’s in the 1940s-1960s - her husband worked it Iceland and she saw him for several weeks twice a year - which was for the best as he was not very responsible and an alcoholic. There was both more stigma associated with divorce - and more methods available to get out of an unhappy marriage.

When I married the first time, I got some very 1950s advice from my mother “He isn’t very grown up, but men grow up slower. Give him some time.” It was good advice when she married my father in 1966 and immediately started having children - he did grow up, as did my uncles - it took a while and I think I was in elementary school before he “reached the potential she saw.” But it was bad advice in 1989, when we didn’t immediately embark on children (thank Og!) and my ex decided that he’d rather date someone else while married to me. I didn’t choose divorce as the easy option, but when you husband moves in with his girlfriend, there aren’t many other options in today’s era (my Grandmother would have just ignored rumors of a girlfriend in Iceland).

I know you said you wanted to exclude fidelity issues, but fidelity issues are the reason I got divorced. The reason my sister got divorced. The reason friends’ who have gotten divorced got divorced. And I want to point out something — years ago, there were fidelity issues. But all of us got divorced when the girlfriend insisted on the marriage ending. I don’t know how much that happened back then - I think that the “homewrecker” had more respect for the “home” and that in an infidelity situation, everyone knew and played their roles. Wives were less likely to change the locks when a girlfriend showed up - in part because she had little choice - pre-contemporary divorce laws did not a whole lot for helping a woman - likely without a college education and with children - make a life for herself without a husband.

Kalhoun makes a good point as well. When my mother married, kids were expected. Few people talked about whether or not to have them. Today, they are a lifestyle choice - and a possible point of contention. Even if you are on the same page when you marry at 23 doesn’t mean one of you might not change their minds by 33 on the subject. Kids are not a good compromise issue.

I will now talk about two marriages that ended not because of fidelity issues. In one case the wife had three children and was a stay at home mom when she ran full tilt into mid life crisis and decided she didn’t want to have kids or be a stay at home mom. She packed up and moved out. Very sad.

The other was a trust issue. The wife had gotten pregnant while they were dating to force marriage. And possibly worse - to prevent a fairly obvious impending breakup. The marriage lasted a long time, under the circumstances. But a marriage founded under those terms - combined with a lack of money - does not face great odds.

8

Why shouldn’t it be acceptable?

9

Even if you are a person who is willing to do the hard work, and compromise, and has a realistic idea of what marriage is… if you find yourself married to someone who suddenly decides that there is something terribly “wrong” with you, and they want a divorce, well, you’re getting a divorce, and there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it. In my case what was terribly “wrong” with me is that I was “too prudish”. Translation: I wouldn’t stand idly by while he screwed whoever he pleased. It takes two people to work on a marriage, and if one person decides they won’t, the other one is left high and dry. My ex-husband told me for years that he thought marriage was for life, most marriages could be worked out if people just tried, etc. But as soon as I didn’t do exactly what he wanted, it was all out the window. So, I got a divorce. And I’m much happier not living with the sort of man who would blow smoke up my ass for 7 years about such an important issue. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to still be married to him and just turn a blind eye to his cheating.

10

Perhaps we should make getting married more difficult. It is easier to get a marriage license than a driver’s license.

11

No shit. Maybe the “high” divorce rates indicate that it is a flawed institution that, because of societal advances, no longer need be sacred.

12

Because divorce is one of two ways that a marriage can end. Think about it – the other 50% of marriages end in death!

13

Because when the vast majority of couples stood in front of (God, family, friends, preacher, judge, Elvis, whomever) they promised to stay together “till death do us part”. I don’t make empty promises. I will keep my word and fully expect my spouse to keep hers. Call me old fashioned, but my word is my bond.

I’m not advocating “no divorce, ever”. Physical abuse, infidelity, and abandonment are obvious (though not automatic) grounds for divorce in my book. In each of those cases a spouse has grievously violated their marriage vows. If one will not keep their word then the other cannot be expected to, either.

Marriage is a contract. If one party materially violates the contract it can be voided, the law has provisions for that. I just think that many too people are too quick to void the contract on a technicality.

14

You don’t think there’s something wrong with 50% of the U.S. making vows before God or a judge that “til death do us part” only to retreat from those vows a few years, months, or even weeks later?

15

Actually, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with divorce. Reading this thread I see a lot of generalizations. I tend to think of what I know, not what I think. Of the divorces I have seen:
-Many ended due to infidelity. (Primarily the husband cheating) Mostly my friend’s parents or older relatives.

-Several ended due to “money” issues, such as: one of the spouses refused to work, or the couple ended up having totally different ideas about what they wanted to do with their money. This is usually the younger couples.

-One ended because they couldn’t conceive. This led to the breakdown of the entire marriage.

Mostly I think people change after they get married, and the end result is that you get stuck in a relationship with someone that you are no longer compatible with. Sometimes the change is immediate (i.e. the blushing bride who thereafter refuses to give head or even go to work, and suddenly decides she wants the Martha Stewart marriage, when before she was a bohemian-type) sometimes it is slow. (Like when my mom realized that once the kids were out of the house she would be alone with my dad, retired, and she freaked out after 19 years of marriage)

As a 30-something, many of my friends are now taking the plunge. Friends speculate about how long it will last based on various factors. I’ve seen people sum up these marriages as “green-card” weddings or “she’ll leave him if he loses his job and there’s no money” and occasionally you’ll even hear a “Wow. They are perfect for each other.”
I have yet to see how these will all work out. But I suspect that none of us could accurately predict it. You can’t point a finger and say “that’s the culprit and eliminating it will eliminate divorce!” People change, life has changed, marriage has changed. Divorce doesn’t have to be taboo, and it shouldn’t. Anyone who’s ever prayed for their parents to get divorced (that would be me) knows that sometimes, divorce is for the best.

16

[QUOTEIn the opinion of the Temming Millions, what are the largest contributing factors to divorce for the past, say, 30 years?[/QUOTE]

I can only speak from personal experience, and say that I divorced my first wife because we actually hated each other. I’m serious. We should have never gotten married in the the first place. We each brought out the worst in each other, and we were mean and petty to each other.

I didn’t think divorce was an option. I made a promise before god and myself that I would love and honor this woman for the rest of my life. It was only at the urging of my family and my friends that I pursued divorce. You could say that I honestly thought that I couldn’t “find a better [woman].”

Again, in my case, it wasn’t for lack of trying, but couples councelling only works if you both are willing to go.

17

Not to suggest anything negative will happen to you in the future, but do you think that none of the couples that get divorced felt like this several years prior to it?

18

What about emotional abuse, selfishness, untruthfulness or any number of infractions that can make the other party miserable? Do you think they should just stick it out because the other person changed? Are you promising, when you marry, to “never change”, to never grow intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually? And should you be required to stay with someone who, while you went to school to learn how to be a better provider for your family, only wants to piss it all away at the casino boat? Or spend all his time at work while you raise the children single-handedly? Or if your spouse suddenly has no desire for your physically? Sorry…I didn’t sign up for a life of indentured servitude, nor did I agree to live in a time-warp where nothing changes.

19

It appears through many of the posts to this thread that there are many, many instances where divorce is a valid way out of a marriage. I do not disagree with that assertion. For some divorce is the only way out of a bad situation or misinterpreted dream.
Misinterpreted Dream: - I thought I married the SO I was going to be with for the rest of my life. Thought being the operative word here. Maybe in some instances there was not enough thought put into the equation. Maybe that is the fundamental problem. Not that divorce is so wide spread because people can not handle marriage, but that divorce is so wide spread because people can not handle the decision making before they say “I do”*
The decision making before one says “I do”:
What is involved in that decision? Sex, Love, Off-Spring, legal issues, personality issues etc…etc …
It may feel like the right thing to do at the time, but how do we really know? What tells us, "this person is it…for the rest of my human existence???

Factually, we probably do not know what it is we really want out of a marriage when we are young… We may want: Stability, everlasting love, children, a comfort zone, a means to the rest of our lives…etc…etc…

But what separates those who stay together for 50-60-70 years from those who don’t - or can’t. ?

    • it may not be the decision making people can not handle, but the idealistic nature of the vows they are subscribing to and committing themselves to.
20

I don’t understand why people say that they know that they won’t ever change, won’t ever have goals that differ from their spouse’s. Til death do us part is unrealistic (and probably based in religion) and downright cruel to people who would be happier being released from the commitment.