Questions about divorce

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have to post this under a pseudonym, for obvious reasons. I have been considering divorce for well over a year and am unable to bring myself to make that first step. My husband hasn’t been unfaithful and isn’t abusive, so I feel conflicted. For years I have assumed it would get better, but it hasn’t. We have been married for 16 years and have two young children.

What is the problem, you may ask. We have drifted so far apart, I can no longer see him. He travels for work and is gone anywhere from 16 - 20 days a month. I have asked him to think about a career change, but he refuses. For those of you thinking he is unfaithful on the road, perhaps he is. The really sad part is, I don’t even care if he is.

Somehow he has become the fun parent, since he is home so little, and I am forced into the role of disciplinarian. When he comes home, he changes the household dynamics. Bedtime is pushed back, homework is postponed, and they are allowed to watch television that I normally don’t allow them to watch.

I complain, which make me a jerk in the eyes of our kids. He doesn’t make that much money at his job, but he has a lot of freedom, which he feels is important. I just feel like he needs to take one for the team. He refuses counseling, but when I mention divorce he says he will make some changes. Those last less than a week.

Sounds easy, divorce him. Here is the problem. The kids adore him and some part of me still loves him. I wonder if divorce will really change the situation for the kids that much, because if they spent time at his house, his rules would continue to be significantly more relaxed than mine. The main reason I am considering divorce is I feel a resentment building up in me that I cannot bear.

I usually hear people say they wonder why they waited so long to get a divorce. But every now and then I hear people say they regret it. Have any of you ever divorced for similar reasons? What was the result? Most importantly, how did it affect your children?

2

I just realized I posted this in the wrong forum. Can a moderator please move this?

3

I divorced about 4 years ago, and some of the reasons sound similar to what you’re experiencing. My ex and I had very different childrearing approaches (i.e. he used no discipline whatsoever) but he was basically a good father in many other ways, and our son loved/loves him. There were other personal problems between my ex and I, but neither of us had an affair or anything like that. What finally pushed me into making a final decision was the revelation of a lot of credit card debt that he got into without my knowledge, and the lying that went along with it.

For quite a few years prior to the divorce, things were not too good between us, but when I looked at other people I knew, he wasn’t that bad of a person. We tried therapy together but things just went back to the way they had been, which wasn’t horrible, but which was not truly happy for either of us. We tended to pick on each other, which wasn’t good for my son to see, but we didn’t have big arguments for the most part, either.

I have never regretted divorcing him. I felt like a tremendous burden was lifted from me, and I could live like a real person again.

Fortunately, we are able to communicate about our son, and my ex lives close by, and our son sees his often (although he primarily lives with me). I think our son is happier this way, too. He doesn’t see us bickering or fighting. He gets to “let it all hang out” at his dad’s, but is fine when he comes back home to me. He was about 11 when we divorced.

My therapist warned me that there would be a period when I might have second thoughts, doubts, feeling blue, etc., but I did not feel that way for one minute. It was a good decision – I couldn’t realize how good until after having done it.

Clearly, you can’t base your decision on anyone else’s experience. And there are a lot of decisions to be made during the divorce about dividing assets, etc. Fortunately we were able to handle everything through a mediator and there was no big legal fight.

So anyhow, that’s just my experience. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

4

My folks divorced about four years ago. I was in college at the time, so in a bit of a different boat than your kids. One thing I will say is that if you are miserable, you, your kids, and your husband will be better off with divorce. Not that it’s easy, or that it won’t leave a lasting mark on the kids, but it will be one hell of a better mark than growing up in a house where their parents don’t love each other anymore.

5

This is how I imagine I may fell if I ever get the corage up to do this.

6

I’d strongly suggest, for your kids’ sake, that you tell your husband what you’re feeling and ask him one last time to go to a marriage counselor with you. Tell him you’re quite serious. Hell, if you’re dedicated, make two appointments, one for a lawyer, one for a counselor. Tell him you’re keeping one of those appointments, and it’s up to him to choose which-- but only say that if you really mean it.

If he refuses, then you know things will never improve. Then you have to decide: can you live with that? Will your dissatisfaction outweigh the potential damage done to your kids if you divorce? It’s just my opinion, but I feel you have to think of them, first. (If you’re fighting in front of them, or they know that your relationship is rocky, that’s one thing, but if you two can remain civil and “normal” in front of them, that’s another.)