Advice/Commiseration for the Inevitable End of my Marriage

My Wife and I met in high school and were close friends but had a falling out and did not speak for several years. We started talking again when we saw each other at the funeral of a mutual friend, during this period she and her daughter had moved in with her parents because she was divorcing her current husband. It seemed almost like fate and we began dating and fell deeply in love and dated for one year before we got married which also coincided with me joining the military.

Life was pretty blissful, I was the stable bread winner during this period while she worked only off and on because we also had two children during this time. However as time went on, probably starting after the birth of our first child the bickering and arguing began to rear its ugly head but it was not a constant presence in our lives but the marital climate did seem to change in a way that was hard to put my finger on at the time. My Wife always wanted new things, better things that she never had during her first marriage, but didn’t seem to have patience to wait for many of these things when we could afford them. So we bought a new house, cars, furniture, TV’s, etc. It was difficult financially but we managed to get by ok.

About two and a half years ago I was medically separated from the military but I received a fairly large severance and get a check from the VA every month so it wasn’t like we suddenly had no income. For a year neither of us worked and I watched the children and paid all the bills while she went to school for a job in the medical field. She got a job and she makes great money. For the last year and a half I have been the one in school, but also watch the children when she is at work and I am not in class. I am doing well in school its not like I fail my courses and goof off. I make good grades and I am completing all my prerequisites but because of the timing I won’t be able to get into the actual program I want until next fall. I still contribute to the bills and pay the entire house payment, the car insurance, water/trash and many other small misc. bills. My wife pays bills too but the ones she pays are generally much smaller and the big bills that she pays are more luxuries for herself and not necessities.

For instance we had two cars, my car was paid off but she felt it was too small for the children so she bought a new $40k car without telling me, a car she knew she couldn’t afford and one that had all the top of the line features. This kind of behavior, I never would have thought she was capable of at the time, it completely blew my mind that she actually just went out and bought a car like that without getting any sort of agreement or blessing from me and with barely any discussion besides the fact that she was vaguely interested in buying another car is something I never in a million years would have done to her.

I apologize if this post seems kind of disjointed or unorganized I had previously typed it up differently and in a more linear progression but accidentally erased it and don’t want to write it out all the way again.

Anyway, we have been married six years and our fighting really began with all the small stuff. The little underhanded insults, under-the-breath remarks to one another, the passive-aggressive behavior, the silent treatments. Petty and vindictive acts both openly and covert that poisoned the well. I see now in retrospect how even mostly tame name-calling and insults boil and brew and eventually cause explosions of anger and yelling and escalations. I don’t want this to come off like I’m the just the good guy, the poor victim of circumstance. I’ll readily admit that I’m not a perfect husband and I am as much to blame as she is. I called her names, I insulted her, I didn’t always have her back the way I should have. But I always felt like I tried, If she said I didn’t help around the house enough I folded five loads of laundry for three hours, I cleaned the children’s rooms, I did the dishes. When she was short on money or her car broke down I gave her money that I really didn’t even have (credit card) to try and help her out. When we did argue I would usually be the one to apologize and try to communicate with her more because her go-to was the silent treatment. I suggested we get marriage counseling on multiple occasions but she said it wouldn’t help and there was no reason for us to go. Whenever we fought, no matter what it was about she threatened me with divorce as a sort of emotional blackmail. But she became like the boy that cried wolf and these threats ceased to be effective at getting me to concede an argument or making me upset.

My Wife seems to be eternally angry, she never seems to have a day that just goes well where she doesn’t explode at some point. A simple conversation about what color carpet we should put in the living room ends in her screaming at me with a rage that is so out of proportion that I can’t understand where it comes from. She has Anxiety issues but does have medication prescribed for it, but whether she takes it like she should I honestly don’t know. When we were first married it was never like this, she was always seemed happy and in love with me, though like anyone she would go through occasional depression, but this outward anger and vitriol was not there.

Its reached a point now where our marriage just feels like a roommate situation, loveless and cold. I don’t feel the love in my heart for her that I once did, other than her being the Mother of my children. I am not happy being with her and I know now that I never will be again. If it wasn’t for our children I think I would have already divorced her, but I don’t think even that can stop a divorce from happening now.

For me the anger and bitterness have subsided and I only feel a detachment about the whole thing and a neutral attitude toward her, She just feels like a stranger to me now that I used to care about. My daydreams mostly revolve around just getting out of this marriage and being on my own and starting a new chapter in my life. Unfortunately, financially the timing is bad and I feel I have to at least wait till school starts back for me in August and hopefully will also have at least a part time job at that point as well. For her the anger and antipathy toward me still seem to be in full swing. Though I don’t know for sure I feel most likely she no longer loves or respects me as well and also realizes that our marriage is over, perhaps she is also just waiting for the right time as she also has many financial obligations at the moment.

So really that’s it except for the legal paperwork to make it official, I feel my marriage is over and I really don’t feel much of a sadness anymore about it. The only unknown that gives me angst is how the situation with my children will unfold. I hope we can split custody 50/50 but she will most likely keep the house and I will have to start from scratch and it will be very difficult in the beginning especially until I finish school. I love my children more than anything and not to sound like Mrs. Doubtfire:rolleyes: but the thought of not spending every day of my life with them as they grow up is very depressing especially as the youngest one is only two years old. I hope that we can be amicable in our divorce and make it as easy on the children as possible and both spend as much time with them as we want.

So for those of you who have been through a divorce with children involved, tell me what it was like, how long did it take before life was back on track. Are you happier now that its over? Life seems way too short to go on living this way for much longer. I know that if I start dating someone else after the divorce I will be in no rush to marry again or get engaged, I just want to take things slow, and really will probably just want to be on my own for a while and try to be happy with just myself but I’m sure there will be some lonely nights, I know it will be a big adjustment, its all I’ve known for the last six years and the unknown is always a little bit scary but the possibilities are also exciting. I would also appreciate advice on things I should do to prepare financially, legally, emotionally, etc.

I welcome any responses others care to give. :slight_smile:

I’m divorced twice, no kids involved. So I don’t have exactly the kind of experience you want. But off the top of my head, based on a quick read-through:

Your wife sounds like a narcissist; she’s going to do whatever she wants. I would say, just bail on her. At a minimum, go see a good divorce lawyer right away and get a read-out from him/her what the best timing would be and what the settlement will probably look like. There are millions of divorces every year. These things are kind of standardized. Lawyers can take one look at your situation and give you a pretty good picture of what the final result will be.

As for the finances, you’ll probably get a better deal now rather than later. Your wife has the bigger income right now, so financial demands on you will be reduced. You may even end up getting some $ out of the house if you sell it and split the proceeds.

As for the kids, all that shouting and hostility between you and your wife can’t be good. You’ll be doing them a favor to split up. They register the coldness and anger happening between you and your wife. So don’t think you’re doing them any favors by staying together. Once you and the wife are separated, you can both decompress and be more natural and at your ease with the kids.

You drew a bad hand. Don’t keep investing in it. Cut your losses by getting out quick, and everyone will be better off for it.

Sorry to hear about your troubles. BTW, I’m an ex-Marine, Vietnam vet. Anyway, good luck!

Forgot about this part. First divorce was uncontested and amicable. We filed paperwork upon separating, then after six months of living apart we filed paperwork for the final divorce. Quick and painless. The period of time you live apart before you can divorce will vary by jurisdiction.

Second divorce was hostile and contested. Took about two years from the day we split to the day we hammered out the divorce settlement. Working out the divorce settlement was the hard part; once that was done, we could do the divorce. Wife dragged her feet on the divorce settlement every step of the way. My lawyer had to keep prodding at her and her lawyer to get even simple responses. So two years of legal haggling was kind of a worst-case scenario.

As for back on track… That depends on a lot of things. Finances, how much hostility/conflict. Also figure some time for mourning the change and for beating yourself up a bit and questioning how much of it was your fault. But eventually you get through it. Something like 18 months for me the first time, quicker the second time. Just remind yourself that things will eventually get back to normal.

Statistically speaking, this is not true.

Cite.

Cite.

Regards,
Shodan

Interesting material. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

The second cite differentiates between “high-conflict” and “low-conflict” marriages. It says that children involved in “high-conflict” marriages were better off with a divorce; and children from “low-conflict” marriages were better off if the parents stayed together.

It defines a low-conflict marriage as: “they rarely fought and reported being pretty happy during the marriage, then continued to socialize and said they still loved each other after divorce.” By that definition, I would agree that the children could be happier with parents like that staying together. (One even wonders why they were divorcing if they reported being “pretty happy during the marriage.”)

But in the OP’s case, he describes a much more acrimonious environment. So my original conclusion may still be valid. I was basing it on the fact that there seems to be a lot of shouting and/or a shut-down of communication. In other words, more likely a “high-conflict” marriage. But I guess that’s the OP’s call.

In any case, thanks again for posting that. Interesting reading.

Just to follow up: The second article is pretty clear that the parents should divorce if there’s hostility in the marriage:

That’s pretty much the idea I had in mind when suggesting that a split would be good for the kids. But again, it’s up to the OP of course to decide how bad it’s getting and what kinds of messages the kids are receiving from the dysfunctional relationship of the parents.

It’s true to say that the divorce itself is pretty standardized, and as the lower earner right now you may even be entitled to some of her income. I suspect that her constant fury would dissipate if you filed for divorce and made clear you won’t be asking for alimony.

But custody is another matter entirely. You need a lawyer who is local to give you the lay of the land, because different courts and even individual judges treat things differently, but I can state categorically that custody courts do not look favorably upon the unemployed. They will hit you every way they can, and she will simply starve you out.

When my ex left he sneered at me and said his family would give him carte blanche for legal fees, and he would just bankrupt me through the courts and then take my child. And that is precisely what has happened. It took him almost seven years of constant harassment, with the courts as his new weapon of abuse, but he’s done it.

The courts can be viciously abusive both emotionally and financially. S/He who has the most money wins.

If you are planning to go this route, I suggest you get full-time work immediately, and try not to file until you have at least $10,000.00 saved up. Now is not the time to be a poor student. Also, inventory your own belongings, your wardrobe, your transportation, anything you can claim as being “yours” and buy for yourself anything you may need in the near future. You may also want to get a storage unit and buy a bed for yourself and furniture for the kids, so you’ll be able to show you have a place for them in your new home.

Her inexplicable car purchase? Yeah, she’s talked to a lawyer already, and is getting everything she needs in order. Do not sit around pondering this. Get legal advice immediately.

You need to do a financial inventory of you and your spouses assets and debts.

You are each entitled to half.

  • House value
  • mortgage debt
  • Auto value
  • auto debt
  • household furniture, goods, etc.
  • credit card debt
  • cash and/or investments
  • 401k, IRA, retirement accounts
    = Couples net worth
    50% to you and 50% to her.

Then you divide up the assets and debts so that you each result in the 50% of net worth you are supposed to get. So if she wants to keep the house with the mortgage and her new car with the auto debt, and most of the household goods. You need to add those things up net of the related debt and see where her side of the equation stands. You will have to balance it out with you taking the cash, etc. If you can’t balance it out by dividing assets, you may have to sell some things for cash so you can properly divide it.

With regard to the kids, depending on your jurisdiction, joint custody is more common these days. As you currently have a much lower income, she may end up having to pay you child support. Your state should have a child support calculator that will help in making that determination.

An overwhelming majority of divorced kids I know, even those that are now adults, wish their parents would get back together, even if deep down they know that it is not a reality. That’s still their biggest wish. But most kids are resilient. They adapt to the change. Don’t be surprised to see your children become two different people. One that behaves one way with you and then changes how they behave when they are with their mom. This is normal.

Good luck.

My ex-husband and I had a very friendly divorce, much friendlier than the marriage. We arranged custody and support between us, not through the court. My daughter lived with me, but her father could visit or even take her for extended periods, if she and he wanted. He paid a healthy child support each and every month like clockwork. We spent holidays together for our daughter’s sake, and would often go to dinner together with her. Her father and I became very good friends, and still are to this day.

Even though it was the best divorce possible, our daughter went from never missing a single day of school through 8th grade, to eventually quitting school and becoming a heroin addict. She is now 23 years old, and is in prison. She blames everything on the divorce, saying that it completely destroyed her entire world. He father and I now visit her in prison together. :frowning:

If I had it to do over again, I would seek counseling (we never did), and try to stay together, at least until she graduated from college.

Only if it is a community property state, and there are only nine of those.

This is very sad, Honey. I hope your daughter finds some kind of solace and redemption, and also hope that you realize that her self-reflection on the causes and effects of her life may not be crystal clear.

I feel compelled to point out the obvious, which is that there is a ton of divorce in America and the vast majority of kids turn out fine. Maybe they are marginally worse off on average, and perhaps themselves more likely to divorce (if only because of the realization that it is not the End of the World), but certainly not addicted and imprisoned. About a third of my friends at my fancy law school, including me, were children of amicable divorce at a young age. We turned out fine (lawyer jokes not withstanding). I’m glad my parents did not sacrifice a decade of their lives for me–that realization would have left me feeling incredibly guilty.

I live in an equitable distribution state.

Thanks for the responses so far. Shodan, I would without question consider my marriage high conflict so I’m not really seeing the kids being worse off, but only time will tell.

Maybe when you divorce your kids will see that divorce is a valid option when a marriage ends and they may make a mistake and end a marriage early.

I still find that a better option than them thinking that marriage is to be stayed in no matter what, despite sniping, fighting, bitching, calling names, buying a $40K car without discussing it(!!!) with the other partner, etc.

Our parents model marriage for us. I resisted marriage for years and years because all of the marriages in my family are miserable, yet are considered a “success” because they are still together or managed to stay together until death.

Only you can know what’s good for you and your kids but I dispute that staying in a marriage that has daily hostility can be good for them.

Although I am saddened to hear about Honey’s story. I took agree with my friend Richard Parker over there that her reasoning may not be the best. I’m sorry to hear your time went so badly and I hope she finds her way through.

You said -

I would be surprised if this fits the definition of “high-conflict” as mentioned in the cites.

Children whose parents divorce in low- and medium-conflict marriages are worse off than those whose parents stay married. Also, the partners in a low- or medium-conflict marriage who do not divorce but stay together and work on the relationship tend to wind up better off, and report their marriages as happy. FWIW.

My prayers for you and your wife and children no matter what happens.

Regards,
Shodan

You’re cherry-picking. OP also said “I see now in retrospect how even mostly tame name-calling and insults boil and brew and eventually cause explosions of anger and yelling and escalations. . . . A simple conversation about what color carpet we should put in the living room ends in her screaming at me with a rage that is so out of proportion that I can’t understand where it comes from.
. . . For her the anger and antipathy toward me still seem to be in full swing.” (emphasis added).

That very clearly meets the criteria for “high-conflict” from the research you cite.

I don’t know a single adult that wishes his/her divorced-in-childhood parents would get back together. My brother and I certainly don’t. I might have wished for it for about a year before I realized I was being selfish and my mother didn’t deserve to suffer just so I could see my dad more conveniently.

If I could offer one piece of advice, it would be not to go into negotiations on assets with charity in your heart. It needs to be a practical and mutual agreement that doesn’t really favor either side. You have as much right to an even share as she does, and sentimentality should play no part. Her debts are her own, as are yours; you should not be making her car payments or paying for her education, etc. She makes more than you do, so alimony is out, unless she is paying you.

My daughter was grown and my son was 12 when we divorced. I worked two jobs for the next 15 years but still managed to have a good life. I still have a good relationship with both of my kids who turned out well and are successful in their own right. My ex and I maintained a good relationship except for the first year. I think the secret is just concentrate on being a father, don’t volunteer to much to the ex and don’t fight, if she fights don’t fight back.

Your wife refuses counseling and threatens divorce. It sounds like she really wants it.

I think in your situation, I’d tell my wife, “Things are awful right now. Divorce might be what we need to do. But I remember the love that used to be in our relationship, and before we separate, I’d like to go to counseling to see if we can work through our anger, to see if there’s anything we can save in this relationship.” If she’s still not willing to go, then you know you tried.

Neither of us is qualified to judge, but it takes two people to fight. I don’t see that I am cherry picking any more than you are.

Regards,
Shodan