My Wife and I met in high school and were close friends but had a falling out and did not speak for several years. We started talking again when we saw each other at the funeral of a mutual friend, during this period she and her daughter had moved in with her parents because she was divorcing her current husband. It seemed almost like fate and we began dating and fell deeply in love and dated for one year before we got married which also coincided with me joining the military.
Life was pretty blissful, I was the stable bread winner during this period while she worked only off and on because we also had two children during this time. However as time went on, probably starting after the birth of our first child the bickering and arguing began to rear its ugly head but it was not a constant presence in our lives but the marital climate did seem to change in a way that was hard to put my finger on at the time. My Wife always wanted new things, better things that she never had during her first marriage, but didn’t seem to have patience to wait for many of these things when we could afford them. So we bought a new house, cars, furniture, TV’s, etc. It was difficult financially but we managed to get by ok.
About two and a half years ago I was medically separated from the military but I received a fairly large severance and get a check from the VA every month so it wasn’t like we suddenly had no income. For a year neither of us worked and I watched the children and paid all the bills while she went to school for a job in the medical field. She got a job and she makes great money. For the last year and a half I have been the one in school, but also watch the children when she is at work and I am not in class. I am doing well in school its not like I fail my courses and goof off. I make good grades and I am completing all my prerequisites but because of the timing I won’t be able to get into the actual program I want until next fall. I still contribute to the bills and pay the entire house payment, the car insurance, water/trash and many other small misc. bills. My wife pays bills too but the ones she pays are generally much smaller and the big bills that she pays are more luxuries for herself and not necessities.
For instance we had two cars, my car was paid off but she felt it was too small for the children so she bought a new $40k car without telling me, a car she knew she couldn’t afford and one that had all the top of the line features. This kind of behavior, I never would have thought she was capable of at the time, it completely blew my mind that she actually just went out and bought a car like that without getting any sort of agreement or blessing from me and with barely any discussion besides the fact that she was vaguely interested in buying another car is something I never in a million years would have done to her.
I apologize if this post seems kind of disjointed or unorganized I had previously typed it up differently and in a more linear progression but accidentally erased it and don’t want to write it out all the way again.
Anyway, we have been married six years and our fighting really began with all the small stuff. The little underhanded insults, under-the-breath remarks to one another, the passive-aggressive behavior, the silent treatments. Petty and vindictive acts both openly and covert that poisoned the well. I see now in retrospect how even mostly tame name-calling and insults boil and brew and eventually cause explosions of anger and yelling and escalations. I don’t want this to come off like I’m the just the good guy, the poor victim of circumstance. I’ll readily admit that I’m not a perfect husband and I am as much to blame as she is. I called her names, I insulted her, I didn’t always have her back the way I should have. But I always felt like I tried, If she said I didn’t help around the house enough I folded five loads of laundry for three hours, I cleaned the children’s rooms, I did the dishes. When she was short on money or her car broke down I gave her money that I really didn’t even have (credit card) to try and help her out. When we did argue I would usually be the one to apologize and try to communicate with her more because her go-to was the silent treatment. I suggested we get marriage counseling on multiple occasions but she said it wouldn’t help and there was no reason for us to go. Whenever we fought, no matter what it was about she threatened me with divorce as a sort of emotional blackmail. But she became like the boy that cried wolf and these threats ceased to be effective at getting me to concede an argument or making me upset.
My Wife seems to be eternally angry, she never seems to have a day that just goes well where she doesn’t explode at some point. A simple conversation about what color carpet we should put in the living room ends in her screaming at me with a rage that is so out of proportion that I can’t understand where it comes from. She has Anxiety issues but does have medication prescribed for it, but whether she takes it like she should I honestly don’t know. When we were first married it was never like this, she was always seemed happy and in love with me, though like anyone she would go through occasional depression, but this outward anger and vitriol was not there.
Its reached a point now where our marriage just feels like a roommate situation, loveless and cold. I don’t feel the love in my heart for her that I once did, other than her being the Mother of my children. I am not happy being with her and I know now that I never will be again. If it wasn’t for our children I think I would have already divorced her, but I don’t think even that can stop a divorce from happening now.
For me the anger and bitterness have subsided and I only feel a detachment about the whole thing and a neutral attitude toward her, She just feels like a stranger to me now that I used to care about. My daydreams mostly revolve around just getting out of this marriage and being on my own and starting a new chapter in my life. Unfortunately, financially the timing is bad and I feel I have to at least wait till school starts back for me in August and hopefully will also have at least a part time job at that point as well. For her the anger and antipathy toward me still seem to be in full swing. Though I don’t know for sure I feel most likely she no longer loves or respects me as well and also realizes that our marriage is over, perhaps she is also just waiting for the right time as she also has many financial obligations at the moment.
So really that’s it except for the legal paperwork to make it official, I feel my marriage is over and I really don’t feel much of a sadness anymore about it. The only unknown that gives me angst is how the situation with my children will unfold. I hope we can split custody 50/50 but she will most likely keep the house and I will have to start from scratch and it will be very difficult in the beginning especially until I finish school. I love my children more than anything and not to sound like Mrs. Doubtfire:rolleyes: but the thought of not spending every day of my life with them as they grow up is very depressing especially as the youngest one is only two years old. I hope that we can be amicable in our divorce and make it as easy on the children as possible and both spend as much time with them as we want.
So for those of you who have been through a divorce with children involved, tell me what it was like, how long did it take before life was back on track. Are you happier now that its over? Life seems way too short to go on living this way for much longer. I know that if I start dating someone else after the divorce I will be in no rush to marry again or get engaged, I just want to take things slow, and really will probably just want to be on my own for a while and try to be happy with just myself but I’m sure there will be some lonely nights, I know it will be a big adjustment, its all I’ve known for the last six years and the unknown is always a little bit scary but the possibilities are also exciting. I would also appreciate advice on things I should do to prepare financially, legally, emotionally, etc.
I welcome any responses others care to give. 
