Gah. This matter isn’t quite Pit-worthy, but it’s close. I’ve lived long enough to know that whenever something begins with “For your convenience…” or “The new way is actually better…” (actually is the clue in that one) or something similar — I’m about to endure some sort of major hassle.
I’ve learned that concealing these hassles in up-beat or dead-pan rhetoric has been elevated to a fine art. And I’ve learned how to read or listen through them to get at what they really mean.
Blurb: For your convencience, we’re relocating!
Reality: Now you’ll have to drive eight miles further.
Blurb: Visual Basic dot Net no longer supports control arrays, but the new support for multiple event handlers is actually better.
Reality: Now you have to type out 50 individual control names manually and append them with perfect syntax to the end of event handlers.
Blurb: New improved flavor!
Real world: Now it tastes like cardboard instead of like mud.
Blurb: To better serve you (there’s a royal one), we’ve installed the latest technology in our customer response center.
Reality: Now you’ll have to fight a stupid preset recording with unclear options and awkward navigation before you get to fight an underpaid underachiever who reads to you from a computer screen.
Blurb: No payments for 6 months!
Reality: And on month 7, the balloon kicks in with a 20% interest hike.
Blurb: This handy dandy Flippetywidget will replace twelve other utensils!
Reality: You can’t use it with non-stick pans, it won’t fit throught the pickle jar, and it’s too small - too big - too long - too short - to replace anything else.
Blurb: Call now and you get two for the price of one!
Reality: It’s marked up 250%.
Blurb: I’m offering my tutorial CD’s to you for free just because I know that once you try one, you’ll want to buy more.
Reality: The “shipping and handling” is actually the maximum insured rate for a ten-pound package by air from Toronto to Honolulu.
Blurb: Better! Faster! More reliable!
Reality: At last we’re admitting that before, it was worse, slower, and undependable.
Blurb: Do you have your MVP card?
Reality: May we sell your name, address, personal information, and buying habits to the highest bidder?
Blurb: Upgrade now in order to take advantage of the new features!
Reality: Upgrade now in order to experience a whole new set of bugs, quirky behavior, and useless wizards interrupting your work.
Blurb: Stunning news about how you might be a credit risk and not know it — tonight at eleven!
Reality: 9 On Your Side has just discovered Equifax.
Blurb: Save money now by buying all six!
Reality: Spend five times more than you intended.
Blurb: Our city needs this new colosseum to achieve world class status.
Reality: Our friend and golf buddy, who happens to be a contractor, needs some cash.
Blurb: Critics are raving about this new smash hit! “…funny and entertaining…”!
Reality: The review actually said, "If the director weren’t such a talentless hack, this lousy movie could have been funny and entertaining.
Blurb: My fellow Americans…
Reality: You’re about to hear a lie, go to war, pay more taxes, or surrender more freedom.
Blurb: Trust me.
Reality: Run for your life.