I’ve just received a phone call from a business looking to sell a product. Its not so much recieving the phone call that bothered me, its being addressed by my first name, I don’t know you Mr Salesman, you aren’t my friend, why do you think you can call me by my first name?
I admit to being a little old-fashioned on this particular point of etiquette but I’m of the opinion that unless someone specifically invites you to do so calling them by their first name is downright rude.
And again if someone has earned a title (I’m not sure about titles by birthright) they should be addressed by it unless they indicate its OK not to.
For example I’ve heard that in school teachers are no longer addressed ‘Mister Surname’ (if male) but rather first names are used which I find distinctly odd.
I believe there’s a happy medium between being overly formal and overly familiar and current society has swung too far in the overly familiar direction.
This is absolutely not the case anywhere I have heard of, and in fact there is considerable pressure the other way from staff and faculty alike–we had a cheerleader sponsor who had the cheerleaders use her first name (she was like 22) and that caused a lot of raised eyebrows among the staff and I suspect a few words from the administration.
Students WILL call teachers by just their last name, with no honorific. It’s a familiarity I am comfortable with from certain students in certain contexts (i.e., a kid who is respectful in general saying hello at a football game).
Most parents call me by my last name, and I return the courtesy: I have to know a parent very well before we are on a first name basis.
Well, I agree that I don’t like people using my first name until I invite them to. I also don’t allow my 9YO to call an adult by their first name until she is specifically told it’s OK to do so (by the adult in question). If I ever heard her calling a teacher by their first name, I would quickly pull her aside for a firm little chat! (Although I understand what MandaJO is saying about addressing teachers you get on well with as just lastname, if the student is older, and the setting is casual, and the teacher is cool with it).
I certainly don’t want salespeople/cashiers/whatever calling me by my first name. I hate the “fake friendliness” that’s conveyed by that. The only reason I’ll often call them by their first name is that it’s frequently the only form of ID they have (like a name badge that says “Hi! My name is Joe”).
When I get calls from telemarketers (and I tend not to get many, because I have caller ID, and usually just don’t answer the phone for people whose numbers I don’t recognize), if they try to start off using my first name, I will interrupt them to say something like “I’m more comfortable with Mrs. W, thank you”. If they persisted in using my first name in spite of a request to the contrary, I don’t believe I’d have much interest in doing business with their company.
By the same token, I don’t address my elders by their first name until invited to do so, either. A lot of people seem to find this odd, but I kinda like it.
I agree with you. I hate it when I buy something at a store and the clerk looks up from my credit card and says, “Thank you Cooking.”
At both my kids’ schools (6th and 8th grades), they call the teaches Mr./Ms./Mrs./Miss (whatever the teacher wants) and my wife and I call the teachers the same thing the kids do, unless the teachers invite to call them by their first names.
My daughter has a couple of friends whose mothers’ have wanted my daughter to call them by their first names since she was 10. I don’t really care for that (it smacks of refusal to accept that you’re old enough to be somebody’s mom) but they have a right to be called what they want to be called so I don’t mess with it.
I agree with what’s been said so far. It makes me a little uncomfortable for a parent who is 40-some years older than my boys to urge them to call the adult by his first name, but if that’s what he wants, then so be it. Otherwise it’s “Mr. Smith,” “Mrs. Jones” or “Dr. Fischer.” Especially with teachers! My boys know to presume formality unless invited otherwise.
I work in a court and am careful to refer to colleagues as “Magistrate White” or “Judge Black” when I’m around members of the public, but otherwise I’ve learned who’s comfortable with using first names behind the scenes.
What exactly has a teacher done to earn the ‘title’ of “Mister” besides be born with a penis and not die for a few years? I called all my teachers by their first names but I dont know any other person who did that. I dont know anybody who has teachers now but as far as I know, I don`t think it’s at all common or a trend.
I don`t like using anything but a person’s first name. Why do people need to be put up on pedestals? I certainly don’t want to be up on one.
Because teacher and pupil is not an equal relationship and the teacher needs a certain authority to be able to actually teach.
I would consider a teacher to be someone who has chosen an honourable and difficult profession and, until proven otherwise, to be entitled to a certain level of respect.
If I met one of my teachers even now as an adult I would be very uncomfortable calling them by their first name.
Its the same as calling a police officer ‘Officer’ (Or Constable), a priest ‘Father’ or a doctor ‘Doctor’. Basic respect and civility.
I forgot to mention that I’m in the UK, it may be a little different in the US.
And on the calling teachers by their first names thing, that was told to me by several people, one of whom is a teacher, and reading about it in the newspapers I have no first hand experience of it.
On another note my neices and nephews call me by my first name and I have to admit I’m a little disappointed, I kind of looked forward to be called ‘Uncle’, but I’m certainly not going to make an issue of it, I certainly wouldn’t call my own aunts and uncles by their first names, even now!
Just to add, a few years back I was doing research for a dissertation and I had cause (and the good luck) to speak to the Commander of the US forces in Europe…who asked me to call him by his first name…that was awkward
If you held that attitude in a court room, you could literally be put in jail for a calling a judge by his or her first name. What about military officers, police officers, or doctors?
I’m in the UK and I’ve never heard of pupils calling their teachers by their first names. It’s always Mr/Mrs/Miss X, or “Sir” or “Miss”.
My wife is a teacher, and when she is at school she also addresses her fellow teachers (many of whom are also close friends) as Mrs _____ or Miss _____ as appropriate, never by their first name. It’s pretty much an unwritten rule that teachers should not be referred to by their first names when pupils are (or might be) present.
You don’t understand the situation.
My pupils call me ‘Mr. Glee’ or ‘Sir’ (same for all my colleagues). It has nothing to do with pedestals.
The reasons for this are:
as professionals we’ve spent years learning both our subject and how to teach. We’ve acquired qualifications and passed police checks on suitability.
when your pupils are working well, it doesn’t matter what they call you. The reason for the formality is that when a kid is misbehaving, it helps a teacher deal with the situation.
P.S. I have had an enjoyable career and got on well with pupils. After they leave, I’ve been invited to their weddings and to go out for meals. I’ve had letters + e-mails from them thanking me for my work. They tell their children about me when they send them to my School.
As adults, they still call me ‘Mr. Glee’, even though I invite them to use my first name. It’s not about arrogance, just that they feel comfortable using the honorific.
I’ve never called a doctor anything but his or her first name. I call all the police I know by their first name. I suppose if I were arrested I’d just call him “officer”.
I don`t really get the military officer question. Are you supposing he invaded me and is occupying me or is this just a guy I met who happens to be military? If the later, first name. I did a few months of IT work for a ROTC department in college and we all called each other by our first name. Certainly not “Captain” or “Lt. Colonel”.
I’ve never had occasion to speak to a judge in court but the district justices I’ve known personally have all been first name basis. I’ve never met a “higher level” judge.
I have never heard a litigant refer to a judge in court by her first name, even when the litigant knew the judge personally. If it ever happened, after the judge got over her astonishment at his overfamiliarity, she would ask the person to say “Judge Jones” or “Your Honor.” If the litigant persisted in using the judge’s first name, he would very likely be held in contempt of court for being disrespectful. I daresay this is true for 99.999999% of American courts. It’s just common courtroom decorum.
I grew up on military bases so there was a lot of formality. Then I moved of California and all of the adults expected me to call them by their first names. I am at the point now where I don’t know what to call people.
A great example was at my sister’s wedding a month ago. My god-parents were there and I can’t imagine calling them anything other then Mr. and Mrs. but my Dad introduced me to one of his friends as Bart. I was talking to two retired Colonels both 30 years my senior one of which I can only call Mr. and the other I only know as Bart in the end I just stuck with not using names.
I really don’t care what I call people because my respect for them isn’t linked to what I call them but I just wish we would pick one.
The general rule of etiquette (yeah, I know - there are people out there who don’t believe in rules of etiquette, but they do exist and for a reason) is that you call people what they want to be called. If they want something different, they’ll tell you.
Mister isn’t a title, it’s a basic level of respect, as is Miss/Ms/Mrs. I’m always more comfortable in a more formal environment, the rules are more easily understood and communicated than in less formal environments. I’d like to have some insight on why being respectfull to other people is seen as such an onerous thing.
While I was growing up, adults were addressed at the formality level that they were introduced at, I can’t really imagine addressing a friend’s mother as Firstname while my friend is refering to her as Mom. Teachers, doctors, and so forth always had first names of Mister, Doctor, Pastor, and so on.
It’s not about pedestals. Calling a person Mr. or Ms. Lastname isn’t about you not being equals, it’s about you not being friends. I don’t call my doctor by his first name, and he doesn’t call me by mine, because we are not social acquaintances, and our interactions are business interactions. That doesn’t mean I’m putting him on a pedestal… hell, I’m the one paying him.
I’m not especially inclined toward formality, but yeah, I get annoyed when the cashier calls me Diana. We don’t know each other. That makes me Ms. G.
The rule is pretty simple. When you’re introduced to someone, they’ll generally let you know how they prefer to be addressed. If you insist on addressing them otherwise, you’re being rude.
When you were like a little eight-year-old, you called your teacher by his/her first name? I’m not sure I even knew their first names–their name was Mrs. Walsh, Miss Sweeney, etc. The only time I would use a first name, it was preceded by Sister!
I generally prefer Mrs. Lastname until I invite someone to call me by my first name, especially if someone is calling from a business. I don’t care if my friends’ kids call me by my first name, though. My son calls most of my friends by their first names because that’s how they’ve introduced themselves, but particularly close friends of mine are usually Aunt X or Uncle Y. Our older neighbors are Mr. or Ms. Firstname, but that’s mostly because our neighbors’ last names are very difficult for a toddler or pre-schooler to pronounce and he can’t remember them otherwise. I can’t imagine ever calling a teacher by their first name unless they specifically invited me to do so.
