Foster Care

In My Humble Opinion
1

My county is apparently suffering from a shortage of Foster Parents. There is a pretty heay ad campaign going on right now in an effort to recruit new Foster Parents. So, I’ve been thinking about maybe signing up.

Before I do so, I’d like to hear some Doper stories about Foster Care. I’d like to hear from both Foster Parents, Foster Children (past and present), and any one else involved in the Foster Care system.

Some specifics I’d like to see addressed are:

1. I’ve heard stories that Foster Children get moved around a lot from home to home. Is this true? If so, do the Foster Parents have any say in it or does the State just move the kids around? In other words, do the moves occur as a result of the Foster Parents asking for the move or the state ordering it?

**2.**What is it like from a domestic point of view? Do the Foster Parents out there notice a lot of discipline problems? Do the Foster Children have a difficult time bonding with and or not resenting the Foster Parents?

3. What is the compensation like? I don’t mean to sound crass and I certainly would not do this as a way to earn extra income. I’m just not sure I make enough money to add a child to my household without some compensation for the basics. Is the compensation offerred sufficient to cover clothes, food and school costs? What if I want to send my Foster Child to a private school? Would this be compensated?

I’m sure I’ll have more questions as the stories pour in, but hopefully this will be a good start.

Please inform me, flame me, encourage me, or whatever.

Thanks.

2

I can only comment from a UK POV but since I have been through the state care system, 15 years in state homes, and now work in an environment that is all too often the end result of that system (I work in a prison) I reckon I have one or two insights.

Firstly, state care is a complete disaster area, around 66% of all those who wind up in long-term state care end up in prison where they make up around 33% of the population, what’s more these are the ones who just keep on coming back for more.They become so institutionalised that jail is the only way they can get some semblance of order into their lives.

The causes are not hard to discover, to the care workers you are merely a job (from which they are entitled to take holidays - think about that for a moment), they may start off idealistic but when they find that their views are over ruled by social workers who often never even see their subjects, along with the fact that looking after your own children is hard enough, never mind possibly disfunctional others it does not take long to grind them down.

The environment is far more petty and competitive than in most family situations and because there are usually far more children to look after per adult it is unlikely that the carers can attend school PA evenings or the small things that parents usually do.

There is rarely the continuity that a child needs, I personally went through 5 sets of guardians by the time of 5 years age, some have it far worse with custody disputes between relatives such as Aunts and Uncles, social services, and the natural parents.

Add into that that often the children have been placed in care due to years of violent abuse or neglect and the almost complete lack of counselling support, along with growing up with other children who may well have serious personality problems and mental illness and you can see why foster homes are without doubt the best option.

There are two types of foster home, long and short term, the short termers are usually respite care for parents who are temporarily disabled, like car accidents or maybe in jail.Those are the ones who are most likely to get moved around.
Short term carers never know what they will get until a child walks through the door but it is an absolutely vital role, sometimes it is not possible for the child to return and they may volunteer to be a long term carer.

In long term care the child is usually already a resident in state care in a group home, they will be introduced over a period of time with afternoon visits which will then go on to weekends and school holidays and then on to more permanent arrangements.

Foster care is not adoption and so the rules on same race parents and others are not as strictly enforced, but foster parents are vetted.

It is a very good idea to be a parent yourself, its virtually essential, ideally your own children will be more mature than their years, it is a massive stigma for a child to be placed in a foster home they will find it extremely difficult to understand that a parent can be as even handed with foster children as with their own. You will always get this thrown in your face when the foster child is emotional, unfortunately children from state care are not always very empathic, grateful, and quite often are immature.

From the foster childs POV why should they trust anything and anybody, no-one can be relied upon and you have to get what you can for yourself.Yes they are selfish.

It will help you a good deal if you have an extended family, the experience of grandparents is a godsend for example, but having plenty of nephews and neices gives the foster child a sense of order and place as well as role models.

Unless things have changed dramatically I would not hope for too much practical support from social services, in fact in one case I know of the Social Services did not pass vital information on the the foster parent saying that it was confidential and this led directly to the failure of that placement.
Social Services staff seem to think that because they have done one or two college courses that they know more about children than real parents, not many of these staff have children themselves I notice.

The reward is watching and seeing a child grow from an odds against case to a responsible mature adult, you would know that you have made a positive contribution to society but also and far more important you will enrich yours and the childs life beyond measure.The child usually does fit in and eventually becomes the same as other kids fortunately children can be very resilient to the worst that life hurls at them as long as someone cares enough about them.

IMHO fostering or adoption are possibly the greatest contributions that a parent can make in life in almost every way.

You asked about the money side of thing almost in an embarassed sort of way but money, or lack of it, has been the root cause of many a matrimonial breakdown and the arrival of children often stretches family finances to breaking point.
You need financial support, it is in the interests of all concerned, including the public, that you are supported generously, too often people look on accepting money for a carers role as being mercenary but you must look on it as a tool to enable and empower you.

I have heard of cases where the income from the state to foster parents is treated by the carer as a business, all I can say is that good professional parenting is worth every penny, I have not come across places where you can take a diploma in being a good parent, experience is a hard won and valuable asset.

3

casdave, thank you for your informative post!

I’m really at the beginning stage of investigating this and will probably try to get my feet wet in some kind of mentoring program first.

I do not have children of my own. However, I was the oldest in a large single parent family and often felt like I was raising my youngest siblings. I am very good with children (at least I think I am). I’m not sure if this is good or bad. I don’t really have the true experience of being a parent (although I honestly believe I do have some). On the other hand, there would be no other siblings to be jealous of and I could really focus on the foster child.

I also have some experience with dysfunctionality when growing up. I came through it OK and am now in a good place in my life. I feel like I can use those experiences to better understand a child who has been through bad times. I am a little concerned about my ability to be a disciplinarian. I don’t believe in using physical punishment, and am a little worried about how to avoid being too lenient.

I’d like to think that I’d be the type of parent who would go to PTA meetings, help with school work, prepare fun activities (that also act as learning opportunities), etc. I guess I won’t know until I try though.

As for a support network, my husband’s mother and father are absolutely wonderful and they are near by. My sister and her husband are also near by. I do have a sister and brother in law who have 2 boys, but they live out of the country. My husband and I have spoken about this some, but I really am at the very beginnig of researching this. I’d kind of like to know how I feel about it before laying it on too thick for him right now.

You’re right on about the money thing. I do feel embarrassed about asking about compensation. When I think of someone else being compensated for care giving I don’t think badly of them at all. I have just always felt odd about asking for money for anything and would hate to give the impression that I was doing this for a guv’mint paycheck.

Thanks again casdave! Further comments from you and others will be appreciated.

4

I have a little to add, but like casdave, from a UK POV. (And just to murk the waters a little further, it was a few years ago).

As a family, we fostered a girl my sister’s age (14/15 - I was 16/17). My sister was one of her closer friends (she didn’t have that many) and because of circumstances it had reached crunch time - be fostered if possible or go into a home (can’t remember what they called the home at that time). Anyway, we were vetted - quite a lot as I recall - both individually and as a family. No problem there; it was to everyone’s benefit.

Anyway, she lived with us for over 2 years. It wasn’t 100% roses every day but it was no different from having an ‘extra’ sibling, if you see what I mean.

My other (sort-of) experience was with the foster-mum of my then girlfriend’s friend, a few years later. She seemed to be what you’d call a ‘career’ foster-mum, in that she’d fostered over 20 youngsters over the years. Some were long-term, some not (in fact I think the local authority would use her as an emergency placement for, well, emergencies). Just looking at the bald facts as I’ve put them down, you could be forgiven for thinking that she might have had some financial incentive but I can tell you that she absolutely adored those kids (and vice versa) and was a real grounding, solid influence on them (as I think my parents were on Maureen who was with us).

From my perspective, the fact that you’re interested in making a difference is a really positive start. Good Luck.

5

Sorry for the 2nd post - I forgot to add this:

From where I’m standing, I’m with casdave on the money issue. Unless you’re independently wealthy you have to view the money as a facilitator, enabling you to buy/provide/take-on-holiday stuff for the fosteree.

That said, even with the money I bet you’ll end up spending extra.

If it helps, look at it this way. I can’t provide a cite but I’ll bet dollars to doughnuts that whatever allowance they pay foster-carers, on a yearly basis it’ll be a small fraction of what the state/guv’mint would have to pay to house kiddo in an institution of some sort (which as has been pointed out is much worse for the kid in any event).

Again, my $0.02.

6

Never been a foster parent or child, but did work for CPS.
In my experience, most of the time when children were moved, it was at the foster parent’s request. Either the foster parent was an emergency home, and didn’t want long-term children, or they didn’t want a particular child.Once in a while, children were moved because the foster parents were moving out of state or wouldn’t comply with the rules or because a relative had been found to care for them.

As far as the money goes, it depends on the foster parents.The foster care money was enough to provide the basics, but not a whole lot more.Some were clearly making a profit, but they often did so by feeding the foster children differently than their own family,keeping most of what was bought for a child (clothing,toys etc) when a child leaves to use for the next child.If the family went on vacation, they would arrange for the child to visit a relative or spend a week in another foster home. Others were clearly spending everything the agency gave them and more. They treated the foster children exactly as they treated their own children.If their kids played little league, so did the foster kids.If the family went on vacation so did the foster kids.One took his three foster kids to Disney World.That definitely cost him out of his own pocket, but he couldn’t imagine treating them differntly.

Judging by what you’ve said, I don’t think you would be being compensated for caregiving. You’d just have a portion of the expenses being covered.

7

My parents did foster care for several years. I’ve heard many horror stories (about how bad the system is, about how bad the birth parents are, about how bad the foster parents are, about how bad the children are) … and some are true, and some are unbelievable. (I don’t mean to reflect at all on the comments by previous posters, I just mean to say that foster care is often given a bad rap.)

My parents decided to open their home up to foster children, after talking to my sister and I about it. (My sister was six at the time, I was eight.) Our one condition was that the children would have to be younger than we were. My parents attended many training sessions (weekly over the course of a few months, I think), and as a family we met a few times with a woman from the agency. (The Massachusetts Department of Social Services (DSS), in this instance.)

The procedure leading up to foster care and adoption is long and convoluted, and much of it is subject to the whim of a judge – his/her determination of the ability of the mother (or father, although never in my experience) to take care of the child(ren). I think the system is fair to fault – the birth parent(s) was often given too many chances, and previous history was not taken into account. (No matter how many children were already in foster care / adoption homes, the process was begun anew for each child.)

For a child to be put into foster care, they must have been abused and/or neglected. In a few instances, the mothers simply didn’t know how to take care of their children. We were very happy when those families were reunited. However, many of our children had been abused, and it was scary. We were quite glad when they were finally adopted … but all too often, they went home again. Quite a few of those children ended up in foster care again (with us, if we were free – we were never able to take more than two children at once – and with another family, if we weren’t). Over the course of … seven years, I think, we had about 23 children. But this accounts for the children who were only staying with us temporarily, until a more permanent foster home could be found. Of those 23 (or so) children, only 2 were ever adopted.

Most of the children we had were young (six months to two years), but that’s variable. And we had a few three year olds, and there was an eight-year old boy who spent a week with us twice. The ages are quite variable… although I understand that the older children (from about 16(?) onwards, are more often put in group homes, in an assisted living sort of situation. At age 18, they’re no longer wards of the state…)

Most of the children stayed for a while. We had one who was with us for almost three years (off and on, unfortunately – the judge(s) were far too lenient with his birth mother, and he was once sent home only to be returned to us three days later), and a pair of sibling who were with us for about 36 hours (at the follow-up hearing, it was discovered that their mother had been the victim of libel and was in fact quite capable of taking care of them). I think the average stay was probably about 6 months (and 95% of our children were returning home (or moving in with an adoptive family), not moving to another foster home). The state never ordered a move in our case – for the one or two children who did move on to other foster homes, we’d known that we’d only be temporary housing (respite for another family) or a haven while a more permanent family could be found.

There are a lot of discipline problems, since these children come from such unstructured environments. But, my parents were always patient and loving, if firm, the same way there were with my sister and I. They were usually more patient, actually. Serious problems rarely lasted longer than a week or so – long enough for everybody to settle in.

The kids sometimes did resent my parents – they had no one else to lash out at. We heard “You’re not my real parents” often … but I think that’s a normal reaction for an eight-year old girl who finds herself in a new home, away from her friends, in a new school, and with no idea what’s going to happen to her mother who she knows is sick since she’s been taking care of her two-year old brother practically since he’s been born.

Compensation? We got a monthly allowance which barely covered food, if I recall correctly. We got a quarterly allowance for clothing, whcih again was barely sufficient. (Most of these children were lucky to come with any clothing than what they were wearing when they were taken from home, and the shoes were almost always too small (if they were wearing any shoes). And do you know how quickly toddlers outgrow shoes?) I think we also were given a little bit of money at Christmas. The money was never enough … but it was definitely a help.

When we took in our last child, my parents were both working so we knew we’d need daycare for him. (We wouldn’t have taken him, except he’d already spent two years with us, and we couldn’t justify putting him with another family.) The State was willing to pay for one type of daycare, but it wasn’t at all appropriate for him. We had to fight with them for a long time, and they finally subsidized most (but not all) of the cost. I wouldn’t anticipate that the state would pay for private school, but your mileage may vary.
I’m continually amazed by all the sacrifices my parents made over the years, and I’m sure there are pieces to the stories I don’t even know. I know foster care was very draining … but ultimately rewarding. I’ve don’t regret the experience, and I know I learned quite a bit; I’m sure my parents will tell you the same thing.

If you have any questions, or would like to know more, or just want some stories, please feel free to email me or post here. I’ll try to answer, or I’ll get my mother to help you out. (And you thought I was long-winded…)

By the way … much of the experience and all of the specifics depend on where you’re living. You should check the information for your state (or province, or whatever).

8

My wife and I became foster parents in 1976. Over a period of about ten years we had 8 to 10 foster children. One we asked to removed from our home, because he was causing trouble with the other children. Three moved on to adoptive parents. A couple I have no idea what happened to them after they left our care.

The remaining three are the ones that were special. We adopted the first girl that we took into care after she had been with us for about 6 years. That case ended up in the state supreme court, because back then foster parents had absolutely no rights (but we fought and got them). Then about the time that was over they asked us to take a set of twins (boy and girl). My wife said she wanted to do it just to see what twins were like. Of course we ended up adopting them and they are 21 now. Unfortunately, we lost the older girl to cancer three years ago.

The money will get you by, but that’s not the reward.

9

A friend’s mother has a two-year-old boy in her care. The child was a crack baby, was grossly underweight and underdeveloped when she took him in (he was about eight months old) and she was told that he would never be ‘normal.’ Well, the little guy is blossoming! He’s still underweight, took a few months longer to walk than most and his first words were a little later. The prognosis now is that he’ll catch up when he reaches five or six. He is dearly loved by all of my friend’s family.

The boy’s mother is in prison and there’s a possibility he will go back to her when she is released. The family is arming itself to fight it if it occurs. One problem is that the foster mother is in her '60s and it is unlikely that a court would allow her to adopt a child so young. Other (younger) family members want to adopt him as well, but for the foster mother to relinquish her status to another doesn’t provide the continuity this child needs right now.

The foster mother was a recent widow and was lonely with her own children out of the house. She thought that fostering a child would be good for her as well as good for the child. Little did she know that she would love this child with such fierceness. The money she receives is negligible compared to what she spends.

It has to be tough. Going into it with the right intentions (as you have and as the foster mother has) can do so much for the child and for the foster parent(s) as well. Losing the child to The System or to a parent that has merely served time without rehabilitation must be devastating. On the other hand, we sometimes meet functioning people who come from hideous backgrounds. When you ask how they ‘made it,’ they’ll tell you about the one person who believed in them, and sometimes it was a foster parent from long ago.

I wish you well. Let us know what you decide to do.

10

Hi! This is my first post - so be kind :slight_smile:

I’m a social worker who recruits and trains foster parents. I work in Canada, so the process of becoming a foster parent differs from country to country, province to province and state to state. However, the situations of abuse/neglect are the same no matter where you go.

What everyone else has said about foster care is true - there are lots of horror stories. However, foster care has changed a great deal even in the last 10 years, and hopefully it has changed for the better. Children can get moved a lot - usually because they’re returned home and then end up in care again. If the same foster parents are available, then there is an attempt to place the kids back into the same homes. Unfortunately, if the previous foster home is full and they can’t take any more children, then the children will have to go to a new home. In the province where I work, children have to be in a permanent placement after two years in care, so the foster care bounce theoretically doesn’t last forever.

As to behaviours - there is a wide variety of problems presented by kids in care. All the children entering our foster care system have been either abused or neglected. Typical behaviours: food issues (hoarding, overeating, anoxeria), anger/confusion, bedwetting, poor coping techniques (lying, stealing, aggression), fetal alcohol/drug effects, developmental delays etc.

Whenever we place children, we’re given a laundry list of behaviours - things that tell you nothing about the child himself. Foster parents get really good about reading between the lines and going with their instinct about what types of kids will fit into their home. After placement, and affection and bonding develops - the foster parent feels that the behaviours are less important than the child. We’ve had excellent relationships develop, not only between the children and their foster parents, but between the foster parents and the child’s own family. There are some amazing success stories quietly happening all thru the foster care system.

Financially, we compensate our foster parents well - but this differs from place to place. I can’t really address that issue.

Good foster parents have a strong sense of humour, a good support system, love children and have a tendency to be unshockable. You really have to roll with it to make it as a foster parent. The foster parents I work with tell me it’s not the kids that stress them the most, but working with the system (court, protection workers who constantly change etc) that makes them crazy. The kids are definately worth it.

If you want to read good books on the positive impact that foster care can have, look for Dave Pelzer ‘A Child Called It’ and ‘The Lost Boy’.

Good luck.

11

This is from my mother:

If you have any more questions or would like to talk to her, my mother’s email address is peggysue@berk.com, and she welcomes any questions you may have.

12

Ok, I can’t get it to linkify. Mom’s email is peggysue@berk.com

13

Wow! Thanks for all of the responses and offers for more information!

I’d especially like to thank Aunt Slappy for her wonderful first post. It’s nice to have input from someone in Children’s services.

I have more to add later but I’m just running out the door. I just want you all to know that I am reading and digesting all of this info. as well as sharing it with my husband.

I don’t know if this is going to happen immediately, but it looks like it may be likely in the future!

Keep the stories and info. coming!