This is really inappropriate. If it was intended as a joke, it failed miserably. If it wasn’t – well, you’re a jerk.
No warning issued.
twickster, MPSIMS moderator
I am going to try to do this myself.
I’m sorry for your loss. Talk to us, we’re very good listeners.
I appreciate all your support. I don’t know that I have much more to say. I’ve sent a message to his wife. Long and rambling and emotional. I haven’t heard back from her. I tracked down his best friend and messaged him too, and he replied very warmly.
Yesterday I called his workplace in the morning and asked for him. I don’t know why I did that. Maybe I was hoping against hope that somehow I had gotten mistaken information. When the poor girl who answered the phone asked around (she hasn’t been there that long) and told me, confirmed it, I started blubbering on the phone.
I sat in my office all morning yesterday practically weeping on and off.
I got a little weepy today when I heard from him best friend.
I still want him back.
Grief is a very personal process, Acsenray, and calling Steve’s workplace is just something you had to do. I still sometimes call my cousin’s number and it’ll be 2 years soon, since he’s been gone. I farewelled my dog nearly 4 months ago, and though I donated all her things, I am yet to be able to stop filling her water bowl.
You’ve just got to swim that fuckin’ lonely sea the best way you can.
You’ll always want them back but eventually there’s stillness and distance and you can sit with your thoughts and memories for little bits at a time without it hurting all over.
And it’s true - no matter how much right now is decimating you to the core, you’d rather go through this than to have never had them in your life at all.
Just do whatever it is that helps you put one foot in front of the other.
Thanks guys. I still don’t want to give up talking about him. It feels like the moment I stop grieving is the moment he is gone for good.
You will come to understand that grief never really goes away. The episodes become farther apart and the duration shortens, but the intensity doesn’t change much.
I lost my son over 14 years ago and I still stumble over that grief periodicly. My best friend lost her fight against cancer last week and it feels like someone stepped on my heart.
There will be a moment when you realize you haven’t thought about his death for a given length of time. The first response is to feel guilty. DON’T. It’s just the natural progression.
Soon, you’ll see or hear something that reminds you of him and you’ll smile at a fond memory.
Even if you feel there’s nothing to say, touch base with us. Talking is akin to a cool cloth on the forehead of a fever. It doesn’t cure anything, but it makes you feel better.
This happened to me a few years ago. I’d lost touch with Rob after a stupid argument (and the fact that he lived of the country) and hadn’t spoken to him in about three years.
Last year I happened upon a mutual acquaintance and asked after Rob. He’d been dead two years- COPD.
My condolences to you.
Zeke
Acsenray, I’m very sorry for your loss, and also sorry that you’re grieving it on your own. Please be kind to yourself. You clearly cared about Steve and value the impact his friendship had on your life.
Yes. People on this board have helped me navigate a variety of emotional times. I can only hope to offer the same kind of support.
Acesnray: I’m so very sorry. It does suck that there just seems time that was lost that you can never get back, the opportunities you missed that now loom so large.
The story I’m about to tell is not to denigrate your loss in any way. It’s just that this happened to me recently and I have yet to tell anybody (including my wife) about it.
I found out that my brother, whom I have been estranged from for ten years, passed away in June. I actually don’t know the circumstances (OD? car accident? cancer? suicide?) and I have nobody to ask, as I am estranged from the rest of my relatives.
After the initial shock, I found that I was not grieving terribly. I was more saddened by the death of a good friend of twenty years three months ago. He was far more “family” to me than my brother was. Growing up, if my brother (older than me by five years) didn’t ignore me completely, could be rather abusive. By the time he came around wanted a “brotherly” relationship with me, I wasn’t interested. Although we got along as adults, we were too different to bond very well.
While I am fairly copacetic with the situation, I do recognize that the books are irrevocably closed.
Oh gosh, I just saw this. I’m very sorry, Ascenray. I can only imagine the helpless shock and guilt you might be feeling. I agree that if there is any way to write a note or contact your friend’s family, it might be quite meaningful both to them and you.
A few years ago someone who only knew my father because they bought our house in 1983 (and met him during the tour and eventual closing) contacted me out of the blue, because she’d just found out that my father died in 2003. She said lovely things about him and how saddened she was. Even though this was about seven years after he died, I was incredibly touched by the gesture.
On the flip side, back in 1995 I had a serious falling out with someone who’d been my very very close friend since grade school. He’d basically scammed me (and coincidentally my father) out of $3K and we ended up in small claims court. (I won.) In 2009, he contacted me on Facebook saying that he knew I probably didn’t want to hear from him but he wanted to get back in touch. I didn’t answer because I suck. In 2012, I learned that he’d died suddenly–I still don’t know how. He was an asthmatic and a drug user, so it could’ve been either. Anyway, I was left with horrible remorse for being so cold-hearted as to not reciprocate his attempts at reconnecting.
Point is… I don’t know what the point is. I’m just very sorry for your loss, Ascenray, and please feel free to talk about him as much as you want with the people in your RL and here as well. The memories people have of us are our true immortality.