I don’t know if this is the right forum, if not, I apologize. I guess it is mindless and pointless to anyone but me.
See, I met this person online seven years ago. I was going to NYC and went to a NY chat room looking for ideas of places to eat. How odd that some guy from MT should be the only person to answer me.
We have been the best of friends ever since. We have spoken to each other almost every day since then, either online or on the phone. We always talked about meeting, but tough to schedule a time to meet when we live 2000 miles apart.
He never told anyone that we chatted. While our relationship was platonic with the occasional harmless flirting, he didn’t think his wife would really understand his having an online friend. I never told anyone about him either. I don’t really know why, just never did.
We shared everything over the years. He knew all of my deepest, ugliest secrets and I knew his. I knew about the first (and last) goal his son scored in soccer and that hockey turned out to be his sport. He was the first to hear about my daughter starting her period.
Last week he wasn’t online. There were no emails or voicemails. I was a little worried, but I had been there with him when he had checked in for a 30 day alcohol rehab so maybe he had relapsed and checked in again. I waited a few days and as time went by I had that gut feeling.
I called his office today and they told me he passed away last Tuesday. I don’t even know what happened. They couldn’t tell me, they have no idea who I am.
I realize I don’t know any of you all and you don’t know me, so this seemed like the ideal place to grieve.
My condolences. We know something on this forum about how there are real human beings on the other side of the series of tubes, how you can become close to them, and how it can feel when they die.
And my condolences. I had a similar dear friend, though I “only” knew him for a couple years, die as well, and I still remember all too clearly weeping into my keyboard when a mutual online friend told me of his passing.
That just really stinks. Even though you never got the chance to meet, he was still your friend and you will miss him. It must be some comfort to know that you made a difference in someone else’s life by providing a listening ear when it was needed.
May I make a suggestion? I think it might be nice for you to send his family a note. I’d leave out the part about sharing your (and his) deepest secrets, but maybe something like, they don’t know you, but Michael and you were friends on line; he really brightened your life; he told you all about them and you know how much they meant to him; and how thankful you were to have his friendship, even at a distance.
To reassure his wife, I probably would make it sound like he freely talked about her with you (even if that’s not strictly correct) and I would include in passing that you never met in person. And, frankly, if you think it would upset his wife, or if you think he would not want you to do it, I would NOT send it. But this thread is a really nice tribute to a platonic friendship that was important to you, so I think a sympathy note might be nice. But maybe not . . . others might think this is a really bad idea, I don’t know.
And this awful thing is made more awful because there is this big hole that most people can’t understand… I am so sorry for your loss. Friendship is where you find it. Is there a something you can do in his name that might help you grieve? Perhaps he had a favorite charity or even a favorite ice cream. Give to the charity in his online moniker or buy his fav ice cream and “toast” him with it–whatever it takes. That’s my two cents.
Re the note. I’d like to think it would be a nice thing, but I don’t know. I once shared at a wake that the deceased had told me that his wife was so pretty. I was speaking to his wife, but apparently he had never told her that,( it had been a bone of contention) and she got very angry that he had shared that with me, and not her. She was grieving and angry at her loss etc–but I share this because you never know how something out of the blue will effect someone else.
Don’t send a note. Your relationship with Michael was personal and no one else in the world knew about it. I think it’s wise that you make it remain as such.
It is amazing how close you can get to a person without ever meeting them in person. This relationship was a real as any. I am sure I do not have to tell you that.
I can (nearly) empathise. I have had an online friend who died too. We weren’t as close as you were, but we did become friends over the years, and it’s a strange unique sensation when someone you never met, but nevertheless got to know, suddenly isn’t there anymore.
My brother got married - hey, exactly 8 years ago today! At the time Dad had been battling cancer for over two years (he died the following February); half of the people at the table where I got seated were from Dad’s job. Several of them told me how proud he was of me; it was my first news and I did get angry. But I wasn’t angry at them for telling me Dad was proud of me - I was angry at him for not being able to tell me himself! I made sure to tell these people, others aren’t so good at pointing out this difference.
I’ve met boyfriends online, made best friends (one of them later lived with one of my exes), made enemies. The feelings are 100% true; the people can sometimes be truer than in person.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Reminds me of a recent “My Name Is Earl” episode where a seemingly lonely guy died and they couldn’t find any of his friends to give him a proper funeral. They assumed he was a loner and had no friends.
Then they stumbled on the many friends he had online in chat rooms, game rooms, message forums and the like.
Me too. My experience was different in that we had become friends through a forum similar to this, and in addition to our own IMing we had a small circle of chat room friends. One of his real live friends contacted the moderator of the other board to let us know of his passing, and who would be taking care of his beloved lab.
We never met, and flirted in a way that only works when you know nothing will ever come of it. We chatted privately through each of our respective divorces. He even offered the use of his land should I need to hide a body. Now that’s a friend!
After he died it was the first time I ever really understood what function funerals serve. His death made me cry and my (2nd) husband tried to comfort me, but I really wanted to be in a room with other people who had actually known him. Which struck me as particularly odd since we’d never been in the same room for any other reason.
