OK, I have several questions here but first let me give you more info.
My friend Jim’s wife, Deb, had a stroke on Wednesday and went into a coma. She is 42 years old and has a one year old son. I knew her only somewhat. I shared an office with Jim for about a year adn go to lunch or have barbecues with him about once every two weeks these days. I’ve known him for a total of about 2 years. The news came this morning that tests show that there is very little chance of her ever coming out of the coma and that the brain damage is extensive enough that she wouldn’t be a functional adult if she did emerge.
Ok, now the questions.
What are my responsibilities here? Should I visit the hospital? Who should I keep informed? Should I offer to take care of the baby? I have some experience with babies.
I am an advocate of pulling the plug once if all the doctors agree that she’ll never be Deb again. What are the rules on this? I think that Deb’s mom feels this way too, but I haven’t talked to Jim about it yet. Should I?
I’m going on vacation for a week starting this weekend. Should I call from vacation or wait until I get back? Should I cancel vacation?
This whole experience is giving me nightmares. She was entirely too young and heathy for this to happen. We played Bocci Ball the day before the stroke. Should I worry about my own reactions here?
What are my responsibilities here? Should I visit the hospital? Who should I keep informed? Should I offer to take care of the baby? I have some experience with babies.
Yes I’d visit the hospital. You don’t need to inform anyone unless Jim asks you to. Yes, you should offer to help with their baby and accept a yes or no answer from Jim gracefully.
2. I am an advocate of pulling the plug once if all the doctors agree that she’ll never be Deb again. What are the rules on this? I think that Deb’s mom feels this way too, but I haven’t talked to Jim about it yet. Should I?
I’d say the rules on this are it’s none of your business unless Jim ASKS for your advice. If Jim asks then give advice as you see fit.
3. I’m going on vacation for a week starting this weekend. Should I call from vacation or wait until I get back? Should I cancel vacation?
I guess it depends on how good of a friend Jim is. Me? I’d cancel vacation probably but that’s a case by case basis. How close is your friendship? How much money will you lose cancelling vacation? How quickly might a decision be made on Deb’s fate? Etc…
4. This whole experience is giving me nightmares. She was entirely too young and heathy for this to happen. We played Bocci Ball the day before the stroke. Should I worry about my own reactions here?
I wouldn’t worry about your reactions. It can be traumatic to be near any accident/tradgedy regardless of your relationship to the affected people. Indeed, I’d say it’s a healthy reaction and would be more worried if you didn’t give a hoot either way. But that’s just me…I’m no doctor. A 30 minute call to a psychologist might help you if you’re having a hard time coping and you can always go back for more if you think it’s helpful. Check to see if your company has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program). if they do a trip to a therpist could be 100% free.
First of all, and I rarely yell, but I’m going to do it now.
DO NOT EXPRESS ANY OPINION AT ALL ABOUT “PULLING THE PLUG! EVEN IF HE BRINGS IT UP FIRST!”
There.
Now, as a friend, your responsibilities are to express your sympathy and offer appropriate practical help. Babysitting is a good option, but don’t be offended if he doesn’t accept. You might consider moving your vacation, if it could take some of the burden off him at work. As for visiting the hospital, you might ask him what he thinks. Sometimes visitors can be a comfort to the family, but sometimes they are an inconvenience. Whatever you do, keep it short.
Yes, visit the hospital, but just when he’s there too. He probably needs someone to talk to there that’s not a doctor or nurse.
Keep your co-workers informed, as that was the social set that started your friendship.
Offer to take care of the baby on a babysitter basis only. That is, if he needs an evening to himself, or to handle her affairs if and when she passes away. Don’t offer to become a surrogate parent.
Do not talk about plug-pulling. This is a family issue. If he asks you, you can offer your opinion, but don’t try to persuade him.
You’re obviously thinking on this a great deal. You’ll continue to do so on your vacation, and spoil what fun you might have. I’d postpone if possible, for about 3 months. By then, she’s either passed away and the funeral will be long over, or she’s still comatose but the initial shock is over. If it’s the latter, call from your vacation.
As I said above, you’re obviously thinking on this a great deal. Unless you go into a serious depression yourself, I wouldn’t worry about your reactions. You seem to be caring about your friends, so I think anything you do will be toward their best interests.
Myself, I find death hard to deal with. When both my sister’s husband and my brother’s son died (not together), I couldn’t get the fortitude to call either of my sibs for about a week. I broke down crying once I did, but I needed a few days to steel myself.
As a person who has been hospitalized for a life-threatening injury, I can tell you that my family greatly appreciated those who took time visit at the hospital. Offer any assistance you feel comfortable providing; watching the baby would be a good start. Let Jim know that if he needs to he can “escape” for awhile at your place, and know that its alright to share your own grief. Do you share any mutual friends with Jim? These are the folks you should keep informed so that they may also offer their support.
With regard to"pulling the plug", IMHO you should leave that decision to the family unless Jim asks your advice.
As for your vacation, my advice would be to delay leaving. If Deb passes away, I’m sure you would not want to miss the funeral. Jim would probably tell you not to change your plans on his account, but I bet he would appreciate it if you stayed.
Finally, remember to take care of yourself. My best friend’s father was killed in a construction accident last April, and it affected me deeply. Having someone who is removed from the situation to talk to is very important.
My condolences to you, and hang in there.
Oh my god, cher3, thank god you said it - I just about had a heart attack trying to get my post out.
VileOrb, DO NOT give any opinion on whether or not to pull the plug! I think even if Jim asks your opinion, it’s better to give sympathy, empathy, and non-committal offerings like “Jim, I don’t know what to tell you; that’s a really difficult, personal decision that you have to make with your and Deb’s family.”
You may personally support removing someone from life support, but the discussion in the abstract is MUCH different from when the topic moves into reality.
Unless you know Jim really, really well (which it doesn’t sound like you do - you sound like you are office buddies but don’t have a long-term, personal, life-sharing relationship), do not offer (even if he asks) your personal beliefs on this subject. It would have been okay before Deb had the stroke - but not now.
Well, I’m taking your advice since there seems to be a general consensus already. I am going to the hospital to visit tonight and probably tomorrow as well.
I will not leave for vacation for a couple days. I was going to drive down to a cabin about 9 hours from here. This gives me the option of joining the rest of the vacation group mid week if that seems OK when the time comes.
I will talk to my brother about my nightmares and hopefully that will be sufficient.
I won’t say anything about the dreaded plug. I will concentrate my questions on how Jim is doing and what I can do to help, with a limited diversion into the latest test results.
I’m really curious as to whther she fainted or felt something funny and commented before the stroke or whether she convulsed or what the whole incident was like. can someone out there tell me what is likely so that I can suppress this urge to ask. I know it would be inappropriate. Is there any warning signs to know that a stroke is coming? I’d like to know both in case I feel those signs and in case I see someone else having those symptoms.
Thanks to you all. I will probably not get back to this to respond further for a couple of hours, but please continue to comment so I can read it when I get back.
The vast majority of strokes do not involve pain. The victim experiences numbness, weakness, or loss of function. As there are no pain receptors in the brain, what one experiences is the effects of the stroke, not discomfort from the stroke itself. I knew some patients who described it as half of their body “falling asleep”, and it took them some minutes to realize that something was seriously wrong. The nature of a persons experience at onset of stroke varies greatly depending upon the location and extent of the insult
There are two main types of strokes - embolic events and “bleeds”. Embolic events are caused by a blockage in one of the blood vessels in the brain, similar to a heart attack. “Bleeds” involve a ruptured blood vessel, usually from an aneurysm. The only “warning sign” one may get is a transient ischemic attacks (TIA). These are “mini strokes” that resolve in a few hrs or days and leave no residual effects. Lack of TIAs is not any indication of no impending stroke.
Risk factors are similar to those for heart disease - hypertension, smoking, diabetes, high cholesterol, obesity, inactivity. Some other risk faxtors are more specific to stroke (atrial fibrillation, a type of irregular heart rhythm); more information can be found here, among other places.
My sympathies to you and your friend. The best you can do is just be there. We often feel we have to do something, when often just being there is the best course
Usually you should just call the relatives or the closest person of them you know & ask if there is anything you can do. They should let you know. Then keep your trap shut & wait for them to tell you what’s next.