I’m utterly astonished at the parents who think this is an appropriate measure for dealing with this issue. Humiliation is sometimes an effective way to prevent a child from repeating an unwanted action, albeit sometimes with negative unintended consequences. I daresay it is never an persuasive method of impelling a child toward a behavior. Having a junior high coach refer to me as a “pussy” and “faggot” in front of the entire class for not being previously conversant with the rules of football didn’t make me aspire to being the team captain; indeed, the very mention of football brings up a sense of revulsion and disgust in my mind.
On top of that is the very capriciousness of the punishment, as others have mentioned. Punishing a child for, say, shoplifting, by making him write a letter of apology and having to volunteer to work off his debt is apropos and relevant; a labor that forces him to acknowledge the wrongness of his actions and understand his transgression in terms of stealing the time and effort that a shopkeeper puts in to run his business. Cutting off the child’s hair because he didn’t turn in his homework and then lied about it is a non-sequitur that harkens to the most hysterical scenes of Mommie Dearest. What’s next; punishing him because he hangs his clothes on wire hangers?
Furthermore, direct punitation ignores the underlying cause of the problem. People almost always have a reason for what they do, even if it is unconscious and often objectively a bad reason. The kid may be suffering from latent depression, or maybe he’s grasping for attention; it could be that he’s frustrated by undiagnosed dyslexia, or suffers from ADD, or that this is just a passive/aggressive manifestation of a power stuggle between neglectful parent and child. There is a reason, a cause for the behavior that needs to be addressed in an affirmative, inquisitive manner, with a goal of correcting the root problem. I direct your attention to [thread=311635]this thread[/thread] by a Doper mom with a similar problem with her son; fortunately, her response and the advice provided to her was far more level-headed and compassionate than what many are suggesting here.
And if the child is, in fact, as “spoiled” as some posters have suggested, then there is only one person to answer for that, and it isn’t the child. Children don’t spoil themselves any more than dogs tie themselves up in the back yard. If this response is characteristic of the mother’s efforts to provide guidance and fructify respect then it is no surprise that the child is lying. You’d lie too if to avoid arbitrary punishments to inconsistant expectations. The OP describes the mother as being intelligent, but from this (admittedly singular) example you couldn’t convince me that she is any more thoughtful than a cow.
This topic cuts to the quick for me; my mother was similarly lubricious in her expectations and mercurial in her punishments for real and imagined transgressions. Not doing the dishes and leaving the kitchen might get a free pass on one day; losing a button off of my shirt might call for a “whupping” and being forced to stay in the garage until bedtime on another. My problems with schoolwork were the flashpoint for long, screaming castigations which had far more to do with her failings in life than my education; the fact that I top-ended standardized tests was, in her analysis evidence of my deliberate perfidy rather than an indication of something amiss emotionally or neurologically. Whatever love and compassion she might of demonstrated was tainted with suspicion that at any moment her temperment might alternate to her Ms. Hyde personality, completely with screaming, untoward accusations of every sin under the sun, and emotional (and occasionally physical) abuse. Needless to say, I have and desire no contact with her in my adult life.
Some have doubted that this act–cutting hair–is really that significant, pointing out that parents are often force their children to submit to a haircut; this makes about as much sense as equivilating pouring peroxide on a cut to lashing a child with a razor strop; certainly, they’re both painful, but in the former case the intent is of protection and concern, the later an expression of anger and frustration. There is in abuse most certainly a factor of intent, just as a sarcastic comment between friends can be taken merely as a humorous jibe or a cutting insult.
I seriously doubt that “Baldy” is going to transform into a stellar student lest he be shorn again, but it wouldn’t suprise me if he were to turn around and apply the same ill logic to the person below him on the social ladder and utilize a similar tactic; that’s how bullying (and that is effectively what this is) perpetuates itself. That the child is himself expressing violence toward others is suggestive of this. If she really wants to fix the problem, she needs to become involved (and involve the son) in the process of discovering the root cause, coming up with a strategy for dealing with the issue, and establishing expectations and metrics. But that might be expecting way too much from the lazy bint who “hopes this hair event will show him she means it when she tells him to do his homework and not get in any more trouble at school.”
Yeah, I’m sure he’s learned his lesson. :rolleyes: But if he hasn’t, what is she going to do next? Heated bobbypins under the fingernails? A tattoo on the forehead bearing the moniker “IDIOT”?
Some people–even good, intelligent people–shouldn’t be parents, especially if they can’t put forth the effort to actually interact with and guide their children.
Stranger
