I feel for you. I really do. After Christmas, I decided to have nothing to do with my incubator and am much happier for it. If she ever did decide to call me again, the only thing I could think I would say would be a Southpark Chef, “Aw, hell, no!” and slam the phone down.
I have the proverbial two words for ya.
Caller ID.
This is how my husband and I primarily deal with his mother, who is almost as lovely a person as your mother sounds.
Used in conjunction with an old-school answering machine (as opposed to voice mail), caller ID has made our lives much more tranquil. Both of us are now in the habit of checking the caller ID before we pick up. We only pick up for his mother if whoever is holding the phone feels the emotional well-being required to deal with her - or if we already have a hardcoded reason the call will be a short one (dinner almost ready, leaving the house shortly, etc). Otherwise, she can talk to the answering machine. She and our answering machine chat frequently.
That way we can hear if it was something actually important or just ranty goodness and pick up mid-message if it was something we need to actually discuss (and claim we were in the basement or outside and heard the machine pick up).
On the other hand, my own mother and I talk several times a week 
sigh We’re leaving for a vacation on Sunday. A week to calm down and let Mother cool her heels.
Hate is a very strong word. I need to think of a way to articulate how she irriates me.
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Don’t call me over and over again. Don’t call my husband if you can’t get ahold of me right away. Guess what? He doesn’t know where I am at all times. Leave a message, I’ll get back to you. It may take a day or two. I call people back when it convient, unless the message is urgent. Its not picking on you, my friends and husband get the same treatment.
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I am NOT your fucking therapist. I don’t tell you my problems and I don’t want to hear about yours. Your 50, learn to cope with your own shit. Yeah, your life isn’t what you wanted it to be. [Denis Leary] Life sucks, get a fucking helmet.[/Denis Leary] Also, if you do call to tell me your woes, don’t start the conversation with “I don’t want to burden you” or “Its nothing, really.” I don’t want to hear this shit in the first place, I’m not going to draw information out of you.
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There is no way I’m going to convience you that I’m not an idiot. Just chew on this: You call me about your job troubles, your stupid (and I suspect, imaginary) boyfriend, and my father (who I haven’t seen in years and you divorced 25 years ago). Why are you coming to a fool for advice?
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Mouse_Spouse and I are going thru this pregnancy as a couple and will raise our child how we see fit. I will NOT come to you with questions. I don’t trust you and I won’t risk my baby’s well being by leaving him/her alone with you. We may not be doing things the way you want us to - fuck you. We’re doing this together and frankly, we’re paying for this little bundle of joy ride.
Good vent!
Have a great vacation!
You didn’t get one of those fuzzy, mushy moms. Neither did I. Just do your best to respect her while maintaining a healthy emotional distance. That’s all you can do sometimes.
My mom used to get mad at me when I ignored her calls. It wasn’t anything personal, honestly, it was just that our schedules never jived. It’s hard to talk to someone who goes to bed at 7:30pm. But she’d get very offended and nasty about it.
Anywho, I’d send back an email acknowledging that you received her apology and that you’ll be leaving for awhile. I wouldn’t get it anything else, especially right before vacation.
At some point, I would (be tempted to) inform your mother that as a matter of fact, she is still involved in your life to the extent that she is, because she is your mother.
Rudeness, and the silent treatment are responses to her present behavior, not you holding a grudge based on past behavior.
Failure to promptly answer the phone has to due with any of a number of things which make chatting difficult. Remind her that you don’t always instantly answer the phone for other people, either.
:rolleyes: Somebody hold my hair, please- I’m going to throw up.
Oh yeah- tell her that what she says isn’t valid. That’s a good way to patch up a relationship… :rolleyes:
Disgusting isn’t it? Mother became very Christian when I was in high school, even got a Masters in Divinity. (Her first MS was in psychology :eek:, then Divinity and now Education. She has all of the education to be a rational human being. I guess she doesn’t use it.)
I get on her case when she’s hypocritial.
Mother: Sex before marriage is sinful and wrong.
Me: You and Father married in August, I was born the following February. My brother lives with his girlfriend and had a son out of wedlock when he was 17. I’ve been around the block a few times. Are you condemning youself and your children to Hell?
Mother seems to like the fact that I was diagnosed PTSD OCD SOL at one time. (Ok, the Shit Out of Luck part is mine. The psychologist thought it was funny.) I’ve been downgraded to neurotic PITA, and I have a fairly stable life. Mother still brings up the alphabet soup as a reason for my behavior. No, Mother. I’m just pissed. It happens to the best of us. Its annoying. I’m the “problem child.” I’ve seen a therapist and I take medication. Nevermind that I’ve worked consistantly since I was 16. Ignoring the fact that I found a career I enjoyed and worked for the same institution for seven years. Willfull neglecting that I have been in a stable relationship for years and that I have a close circle of friends.
Nope, I’m broken. I had a mental health diagnosis. I had a lower-than-average score on an IQ test when I was five.
Oh yeah, I’m also the only member of my imediate family that has never been in jail.
Don’t mind me. I’m batshit crazy.
Block Sender As Junk Mail.
After mulling this over for a couple of days, I composed and sent a response. I avoided all of Mother’s hyperbole and address the trigger issue: me being rude on the phone. Hopefull, Mother will be happy with this. If not, fuck her.
*I don’t hate you. I am angry and frustrated with you.
We need a clarification: I do not like talking on the phone. When Mouse_Spouse or one of my friends call and I’m in a place where talking on a cell phone is safe and appropriate, I will pick up the phone. This means that I will not answer my cell phone when I’m driving, talking with someone, busy with a project/chore or in a noisy crowded place. If I cannot answer the phone, I will check my messages and get back to the caller. A return call may take a day or two, but I will call back when I have the time to devote myself to a conversation.
I do not like being called multiple times for minor things. If there is an emergency, leave a message saying so and I’ll get back to you. Otherwise, wait. Being called many times reminds me of when I was controlled and kept track of, it makes me uncomfortable and angry. In response, I get hostile and withdraw.
Mouse_Spouse and I will be out of town from <dates>. I hope you have a good Memorial Day weekend.
Love,
Mouse*
I think that is a very fair and rational response to your mother’s e-mails.
I predict she will not like it.
I recommend you not worry about it until at least June 2nd.
Have a nice vacation.
Hey - good for you! I like the way you made use of “I” statements, that’s so constructive and empowering!
You were right. She missed the point entirely. I’ll post the email, just to share the insanity and move on.
sigh What a bunch of BS.
Wow!
She doesn’t seem to realize that YOUR reactions are YOURS, not HERS! How bizarre.
I think you’re taking the best possible strategy here by being specific and setting clear boundaries. I also think you made a smart choice by sticking with the phone issue and not delving into emotions.
Wow.
And she’s clearly angling for a spot as grandmother. Hmmm.
Can you sic Dr. Pill on her?
I wish she’d get medicated. She’s mentioned seeing a counselor, but I have no idea what sort - thru her church? phone psychic?
Yes, I was angry with her as a teenager and young adult because I felt abonded by her. Now, I see her as a someone who was not prepared for parenthood and is very ill mentally. Any anger I express has to do with what is going on between us NOW, not what happened many years ago.
Let go of my heritage of hatred? What am I, a fucking Nazi?
Add Sender To Junk Mail List.
Seriously. Do it.
Oh, man. Your mother and my incubator should get together. Seriously. That letter sounds so much like the last email she sent me, the similarities are scary. Maybe we’re related?
Doesn’t she have a point? Aren’t you angry with her behaviour? This is deep seated and from way back in time - sounds like she is on the money, regardless of her mental health.
Your email was really making out that you treat your mother’s calls just as you would your friends or partners, but do you really - sounds like you don’t, you screen hers more than others because she makes you angry and they probably don’t.
Well, to be fair, most likely** Mousemaven’s** friends don’ t send her those types of emails or leave those kinds of messages on her cell.
She sounds like she has boundary issues–not manipulative, my ass.
Don’t engage; answer only the issues that you deem important and limit contact. What else can you do?
I wish you luck–I have a slightly different problem with my own mother, but your mom sounds alot like my MIL.
My mother-in-law is a very similar person in many ways. She uses the same tricks to control, and every time we saw them, my wife came away emotionally exhausted and hurting.
We tried and tried and tried to explain this, to try and help them see the other side of things, so that we could have a positive relationship with them. We thought we were making headway. We were hopeful.
Last October, they made it very clear by their actions that they would not be changing, that they were pretending to understand, and they still felt that they were perfect parents, and all the problems, all the turmoil, all the drama, was my wife’s doing.
So we said goodbye. We told them it was over. It was our only option left, because you cannot work with some to resolve a situation like this when they lie, manipulate, and when they constantly rewrite their own reality to suit their emotional needs.
A couple of months ago, after four months of essentially no contact, they threatened to sue us for access to our four year old. In preparing to defend ourselves against this, we came to realize how much better off we would have been if they never had a relationship with our daughter to begin with.
Of course, your situation probably differs in many ways, but this has been our experience in dealing with a parent with borderline personality disorder. I hope it helps, and let me know if there is anything else I can offer.