Fuck you, Ma! (Lame, pointless, disjointed.)

The BBQ Pit
1

For the back story, check out this thread

Well fuck me sideways. I’m an ungrateful child. :rolleyes:

Dear Mother,

I just wanted you to know that I don’t hate you. I find you very fucking frustrating and I think you’re manipulative in a passive-aggressive way.

Please keep in mind that you did not raise me. The state took my brother and I away from you and our father when I was 6. Child Protective Services then gave us to our paternal grandparents. Both you and our father were distant figures for most of our childhood. You were young and clueless and wanted to live your own lives.

Now, almost a quarter of a century later, you talk about what an irresponsible bastard my father was and conveniently forget that you also shirked your responsibilities to your children. Your financial investment in me as a child was minimal – please think back to the CPS episode. Your emotional investment was also very small, and usually amounted to using my sibling and me to hurt our grandparents and father.

You have no claim to my relationship with my husband. I spent many, many years in therapy working very hard to overcome the pain of my past. I never asked you for help, I never asked you for advice. Frankly, I don’t trust your judgment when it comes to any sort of relationship. Hell, you call ME for advise on your love life!

George Carlin once said that parents do not deserve respect; respect is given according to the parents’ performance. I give you the same respect I give to other living beings, but as a parent, you deserve very little.

I rarely call you “mom” because I do not feel that level of kinship with you. To me, mothers are trustworthy, caring and supportive. You lack these characteristics.

Recently, I decided to leave a career I spent the better part of a decade developing and I dearly loved. I’m leaving because the job has become to stressful and I no longer enjoy it. Our relationship has never been good, but I have maintained it as a way to keep in touch with at least one of my parents. Right now, I see a parallel between our relationship and my work: it has become to stressful to be worth maintaining.

2

This letter sort of reads like one of those letters that you write in anger but don’t send because you’re just trying to get your frustration out.

Except that, having read the other threads re: your mother, I think you should send it.

Seriously…“I don’t use guilt”? That entire letter is obviously supposed to be a guilt trip.

3

Very sad. Just very, very sad.

4

Eeeeewwww… asking your child for relationship advice is just so wrong, in so many ways…

As we all know, it’s only those worthless single people who had bad parents. No, it doesn’t matter if you’re doing well in your life and happy being single, you’re a failure and a bad reflection on your parents if you’re not in a relationship :rolleyes:

An appropriate quote for Mouse_Maven’s mother:

And another one:

5

I’m with badbadrubberpiggy - there’s something freakishly disturbing about the lack of self-evaluation that allows your mother to use the phrase, “I avoided using the guilt and shame…” with all apparant sincerity.

Have you considered simply responding to her with a hearty chorus of YARMs? (You’re Absolutely Right, Mother.) You can’t change her, you have to listen, but you really shouldn’t invest too much in thinking about what she’s actually saying.

6

Oh please. Mousie you know how I feel about your mother…she’s a mirror image of mine, only yours ignored even more.

If she claims she is ready to hear it, lay it on her. Not meanly, or anything. Tell her honestly how you feel. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES RAISE YOUR VOICE. Tell her if she raises her voice the conversation is over. Make good on it. Tell her you HAVE to have your time to talk and she cannot interrupt you. Use a timer if you bloody well have to.

My mother still doesn’t even want to hear it and has never said a thing like this. If she did, damn right I’d drive down there and lay it all on her…all those years.

If you want to go the route of ignoring it, you may have to cut her even more out of your life than normal, at least until the baby is born. Sanity is important!

7

Thanks everyone. I was venting.

Another person I told, via email, was my best friend Terra. We met when she dated my brother and they had a kid together. (When they broke up, Terra and I remained friends. My brother and Terra have a friendly relationship for the sake of their son.)

My family is a bunch of wackos. My friends are much, much better.

8

That’s because you know how to pick 'em. :slight_smile:

9

“Honey, that I’m convinced that you hate me.”

“You’re absolutely right, mother.”

I don’t think that’s quite the effect you were going for.

10

As the product of an absentee mother who was unto her own mother as your mother seems to be unto you, part of me says “send it.” That part of me is rather stubborn, spiteful and vindictive, though, so its credibility is suspect. The other part of me agrees that she’s probably not going to see your point no matter how eloquently or plainly you put it. She has obviously chosen to ignore the poor choices she’s made in her life in favour of a more rosy (and very deluded) view of her abilities as a mother and a caregiver. Sending the message will probably only make her feel like you’re rubbing salt in her grievous wounds which will just give her Drama Cortex more material to passive-aggressively guilt you with.

With some people, the only way to win is to lose.

11

Just play tic-tac-toe in your head while she’s haranguing you, and keep telling yourself “the only winning move is not to play”.

12

Man that sucks. I’ve read all of your posts about your job and your relatives and I can’t imagine going through all that shit while pregnant.

I sincerely hope that you can somehow get away with your husband for a few days and do nothing but de-stress and concentrate on growing a healthy mouseling.

The best to you.

When you leave your job, will you still be Mouse_Maven?

13

As a former biology student, I can answer for Mouse_Maven that you never, ever forget the animals you tortured.

14

Hmmmm… I can relate to the sick mom thing. My Mom wasn’t anywhere near that bad in her parenting, but she is borderline and has been hospitalized dozens of times for suicide attempts. Her problems had a profound effect on my sister and me.

If your mom is at all worth knowing (is she funny? can she cook? good at trivia games? something?) I think you might want to leave a small door open for her in your life.

But on YOUR terms.

Having your own child MIGHT cause you to re-experience a whole range of emotions towards your mother. I did a small survey, among a couple dozen of my girlfriends, and found a correlation (not causation) between PPD and a troubled relationship with our own mothers.

You might find it helpful to know her, in some way or another, as you begin your journey as a mother. Sometimes it helps.

So…I think you SHOULD send your email. Most of it, anyway - personally, I’d send this part.

I have had very similar conversations with my mother. It really helped both of us.

15

Do whatever makes you feel better. If sending the letter will, do that, if ignoring her will, do that. Plain and simple. How she reacts to either is not your responsibility.

16

Yep, the best thing to do is to keep Mother out of the picture as much as possible. Most of the time, I only see or hear from her once a month. Since I annouced my pregnancy, it seems like she’s always calling.

Mouse_Spouse and I are going to Yosemite Nation Park next week! I’m soooo exicited. :smiley: Right now, I am trying to use up some of the 500+ hours of sick time I’ve built up over the past seven years. So, I’ve been learning how to knit, playing with the cats and reading the Dope more than what’s healthy. :stuck_out_tongue:

As for my screen name, I’m thinking about changing it. Since I’m reading Reaper Man right now, **Ludmilla ** sounds nice - if it isn’t taken.

17

This is a WARNING that Guilt and Shame are in the arsenal and will be called upon if this letter does not have the desired effect.

It is also, in all actuality, a USE of Guilt and Shame, attempting to make Mouse_Maven feel those things.

So hold on to your socks, M_M, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

18

While I don’t talk about them, I had some mother issues. (I almost got that out with a straight face.) While my relationship with my mother was a lot different than yours, I can still totally relate to the “I want to forgive you, I really do, but it’s pretty goddamned hard when you keep pissing me off, won’t own the past, and think you’re the only person in the family who’s been emotionally harmed by the actions of loved ones” sentiment.

As much as I loved my mother and as much as I miss her now that she’s dead, I wish I’d told her off a lot sooner than I did. Our parent-adult child relationship went over some real rapids after we had our knock-down drag-outs, but when it came through to the other side a lot of bad blood had been drained and I really was able to forgive her. I think this is something she needs to hear (and if I’m wrong, it doesn’t sound like her absence from your life would be that shattering).

She summoned you from the void- you owe her nothing for the rent of her womb and it sounds like you owe her nothing for your childhood. Let her have it, and then when the dust and resentment clears you might actually have a closer relationship.

19

^ what Sampiro said – that’s what I was trying to say. And it’s really really helpful to forgive your own mom when you become a mom yourself. Because you ARE going to make mistakes (not of the same magnitude, of course, but they will still be painful to you), and you’ll need to be able to forgive yourself.

20

Actually, the way you use a YAR(*) is to pronounce the acronym. Given the level of sarcasm such would seem to indicate to me - I think that it would get just the effect I was thinking of. :smiley:

This isn’t to say that I think it’s actually going to be beneficial for Mouse_Maven’s relationship with her mother.

  • the last word is quite adaptable - I have seen it used for all sorts of military ranks, for Boss, or simply for someone’s name, too.