I did attend my ex’s funeral. He and I spoke shortly before he died and it wasn’t pleasant, but I was there for my son. I think children change the situation. My aunt attended my uncle’s funeral, as well. For the kids. She and my uncle’s SO don’t get along either, but they put on the required front and got through the day.
My husband’s ex called a few years back out of the blue and wanted to chit-chat with me. The call lasted about 15 seconds. I mean, really…
I’m pretty good friends with my husband’s ex-wife, so I’ll try this from the other perspective…
My first husband and I split on ok terms, and stayed sorta-friends for a few years. I haven’t talked to him since he remarried several years ago, mostly because we have no reason to talk anymore. I would be absolutely stunned if his wife called to tell me of his passing; he and I haven’t been in contact with each other for years, and I’d be mildly surprised if his wife even knew my name. Sure, I’d be sad if he died, but I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to show up at his funeral, because I haven’t been part of his life for a decade or so.
I had no idea that it was customary to notify ex-spouses when someone dies. My grandmother’s funeral would have been a carnival sideshow, if anyone had done that!
I would send her a short note after the funeral advising her that he had passed and where he was buried/had his ashes scattered. She has no reason to be at the funeral with the people whom he was closest, but he was a part of her life and she deserves to know that he passed. She does not, however, deserve to mourn with people she assaulted and those that do not like her. She might have grown up some since then and matured a little, and if that is the case she would understand why she had not been invited but she may feel the need to deal with his passing and get some closure. Either way your safety comes first.
It is stupid to notify somebody that has no emotional investment at all in your/his life. She walked away because there was somebody that she wanted romance with more than with him, or vice-versa.
She tried to kill you.
She doesn’t owe you money, does she?
She isn’t related.
I say you should notify her the same day that you notify my older brother.
Why are you even asking this question???
Best wishes,
hh
Excactly this.
I agree with pbbth. I would send a brief note after any ceremony informing her of his passing and the location of any markers and leave it at that. They were married - so informing her is appropriate, but given that she attempted to kill you, informing her in time to give her another shot at it (should she still be so inclined) is not.
Frankly, I can’t imagine why people would think it’s a good idea to invite her to the funeral/wake/viewing and then detail either police, funeral home personnel or beefy attendees to control her should the need arise. For Pete’s sake!
If she’s really a reformed person who regrets her past behavior, she’ll understand her exclusion. If she’s not a reformed person, then she really shouldn’t come, given her past behavior.
My father’s first marriage ended exceptionally acrimoniously. His first wife is still angry (not resigned, bitter, resentful - full-on angry) about the divorce to this day. It’s been thirty-three years. She went off the deep end when each of my half-sisters asked me to be in their wedding, and went off the deep end again when they agreed to be in mine. She threatened to disown my oldest sister when my sister refused to exclude me from the wedding party. My father and this person were married for ten years and they share two children and four (and counting) grandchildren. My half-sisters and I have decided not to advise her of his passing (when he passes) until after the funeral. Sometimes, that is the appropriate action.
You’re burying him in a cigar box in the back yard?
Looks like I was beaten to it, but my suggestion would be about a week after the funeral send her a clipping of the obit with a short note:
Wife #2,
I just wanted to let you know that VetMan has passed and buried at Shady Practices Cemetery. He is near the back if you would like to pay your respects.
I am sorry it has taken me so long to get this to you, but you can imagine how overwhelming the past couple of weeks have been.
Kalhoun
I am in a somewhat similar situation, but have never had to physically fend off Ex#2. I just don’t like her. I think she’s trash. She did many bad things to my husband during the 9 months they were married. There were no children between them (of course, that’s not counting the one she became pregnant with towards the end of the marriage that was not his!) so when my husband dies, she is not even on my list to attempt to locate.
Ex#1 is a different story. Although not good friends, I would still contact her (they DO have children together) and be a gracious as possible. I would also appreciate it if my Ex-husband’s wife contacted me so I could attent his funeral (we have a son together). I would, of course, sit in the back and try to be as inconspicuous as possible but I would still expect notification.
Since it sounds like neither of you is religious, the funeral would technically be a social event, of which you are the host. You needn’t go out of your way to include anyone you feel uncomfortable with, especially since so much time has passed.
As far as notifying her after the funeral, let your lawyer, or Mr. K’s sibling, or an uninvolved mutual acquaintance, send a brief official note. Your obligation (if any) is fulfilled, in the most impersonal way possible.
I have no idea, but we’ve been in this situation before.
A very close family friend of ours died recently in a car accident, very unexpectedly. He was engaged to a woman who had a son.
His ex-fiancee (who cheated on him several times, stomped on his heart, and with whom he had no children) showed up at his funeral just to feel special about herself or something. She didn’t give a shit about Richard, I don’t think, and it annoyed all of us to have her there.
I say, if you’re paying for the funeral, you have the right to tell someone to eff off. If someone else is, you don’t. But you might want to discuss this with the hubby beforehand - THAT’S what’s most important, who HE’D want at HIS funeral.
I’m morbid as hell, I know. Sorry, it comes with the job (I write obituaries).
~Tasha
Well Said.
She broke your thumb? She tried to kill you in your own kitchen? You only lived to tell about it because you managed to crawl out a window, wimpering like Jamie Lee Curtis being chased by Michael Myers?
IMHO, let her read about it in the paper. Make sure you pack a loaded weapon in your purse in case she actually comes. If she attacks you, Put Her Down.
“She was the Bogeyman…”
“As a matter of fact, she was…”
Whether or not you notify ex#2, it’s possible that someone will – so even if you go out of your way to avoid letting her know, you’d best be prepared for her to show up and make a scene.
Tell your friends, family, and the funeral home staff that the woman has attacked you in the past and caused you serious injury. Let them know that you fear the same. And then ask the funeral home staff to keep an eye out.
That’s part of their job, and they can recommend how best to avoid any potential disaster scene.