An attempted murderer, no less. I don’t care what relation the person was to me or my husband, if someone tried to kill me I’m not telling them about the funeral. I’d do that if one of my husband’s own siblings or parents pulled that stunt.
Kalhoun, I know bringing it up with your husband would be awkward, but do you know what his opinion on it would be?
Well…touchy subject. I’ve agreed not to talk about the man I almost left him for, and he’s agreed not to talk about #2. It’s that touchy. If he ever told me he wanted all the ex-wives to be there (which I’m sure he wouldn’t), I would arrange for a separate viewing, I suppose. But only if he asked me. And I would expect that request to come without prompting from me.
(Ditto to you, FerretHerder…our posts crossed.)
You have to tell her. If you’re truly afraid for your safety, notify the police to be available, and/or make sure a few strong guys attend the funeral. It’s unlikely you’ll be physically attacked.
Mm, I can see the problem. I’d just hope that nothing happens before you get around to doing some pre-planning. Ask him to write up a “you really must call/invite” list; I’m sure there are some relatives or talk-once-every-few-years friends you might overlook, after all.
In absence of any comment from him, screw that; I wouldn’t invite her.
Not much in the way of pre-planning. He’s a vet, so I will do the veteran’s funeral thing. We’re not believers, so we don’t have to deal with that aspect. He’s an organ donor, so I’ll arrange for that (against his family’s wishes, I might add). And then cremation, which he’s agreed to but his family has not. I have a pile of shit on the plate to reckon with, I’d reckon.
Would I ask him for a call/invite list? I doubt it. Dead is dead, as we both look at it. He won’t care. It will be up to me (and vice-versa, should I go first).
I agree. Especially about the notification part. When my brother died, I didn’t hunt down his four ex-wives to notify them.
Funerals are for friends and family, and Mr. K’s ex is neither.
It’s really not that I’d be afraid for my safety. It’s that I don’t want to be around her. His siblings aren’t exactly enamoured with her, so it’s not like a piece of the puzzle is missing in that respect.
I’m not exactly thrilled that I have this negative emotion within me, but it is what it is. Is it carved in granite? Who knows…
Well, that changes things a bit. If it was that you just didn’t like the person, it’s one thing. It’s another think entirely when you’re talking about someone mentally unstable and violent.
I retract my previous assertion in light of this new information. You are under no obligation to put yourself in harm’s way.
Sex with corpse: out
Sex with corpse’s family: game on!
Well, I see both sides. Yes, she was pretty screwed up, but that was what, twenty years ago? It’s entirely possible that she’s made a change for the better, the same way your husband presumably has. I’m not saying that it was okay for her to break into your house and attack you, of course. On the other hand, I probably wouldn’t tell her either, but that would be more out of spite than truly believing that she didn’t need to know. She definitely doesn’t have a right to attend or anything.
Just to be fair…she didn’t break into my home. She came in with my husband, who was confused about what he wanted to do. Was he a fucker? You betchya. But that still doesn’t give her the right to physically accost me, which she did.
So now time has marched on, twenty years have passed. I’m sure she’s had regrets (who doesn’t). But she threatened both my security (not that she did that on her own, mind you) and she attacked me pysically. I understand she was part of Mr. K’s life, but does that mean I need to acknowledge it (particularly if he doesn’t ask me to)? Alcohol, violence, crime, and the like were once part of his life as well. Do I make mention of all the mistakes he’s made in his life? Does the fact that she was once part of his life entitle her to be a part of his death?
No, not unless they remained friends, and you said they haven’t spoken in years. They have no relationship. She’s not “entitled” to anything.
My first thought would be it should be up to your husband. If he doesn’t want her at his funeral, too bad baby. If I die tomorrow the last person I want at my funeral was my first wife and my current wife knows that. If my ex goes before me, I seriously doubt I will go to her funeral. Make that I won’t go. An ex spouse has no reasonable expectation to be part of the ex’s life, that should apply in death too. If you don’t want her there, don’t invite her.
vaderspal and Ferret Herder brought up the point I was about to make, and I understand why you don’t want to ask your husband about it, but I’ll leave you with what happened in my family.
In 2002, for various very stupid reasons, my brother decided to completely divorce himself and his family from his immediate blood family – my parents and myself.
Over the last couple of years my mother had been in declining health, and while she was still well enough to make decisions, she decided that if my brother didn’t want to have anything to do with her while she was alive, he certainly had no need to be advised of either her deteriorating health or her imminent death. The discussion was revisited when we all realized the end was truly around the corner, and her answer remained the same.
Yes, he found out after the fact (from other relatives), and he has still not established contact with either of us, which has worked out fine for everyone.
I hope I didn’t hijack this too badly, but, the fact remains, if they currently have nothing to do with each other while they are alive, why should that change if he’s dead?
Note that I am unsentimental about funerals and consider them a form of torture for the surviving family.
That said, you don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t owe them a viewing, or a funeral, or anything at your expense. I mean physical, emotional, and financial expense. You would be in pain, and you would want to surround yourself only with people who matter.
I wouldn’t tell her a damn thing, and if I was the one putting it on and she showed up, I’d have her barred from entry until I was gone.
If I’m paying, it’s my bat and ball and you play by my rules or get the hell out.
Given:[ul]
[li]the lack of children[/li][li]the length of time since their divorce[/li][li]the absence of any relationship since the divorce[/li][/ul]
I’d question why she would want to attend the funeral.
Given her actions towards you, I’d say what she would want is immaterial.
Ditto.
I’ll likely attend my ex’s funeral, we share offspring so it’d be only natural that I’d be there to support my child. That, and we don’t have any acrimony, our lives are involved with each other because of the kid, etc.
This woman? You owe her zip, there’s no way I’d track her down and notify her.
I’m with Oakminster on this one.
A funeral is no place for a scene, and it appears that #2 will almost surely cause one. Send her a note after the fact, if you want to. Or don’t.