My husbands ex turned my husbands family against me before they even knew me. Some of the them would not even speak to me for 20 years or more. When his Dad was ill I was the only one that would care for him even though he was in her pocket for years and had nothing to do with me. I also cared for my sister in law when she was diagnozed with alzhemiers. She hadn’t spoken to me in 20 years. She wanted and needed me all the time at the end. My husbands Ex just passed away and he wants to go to her funeral because she was his wife. I said it was wrong and he shouldn’t go. I did not go to my ex’s funeral or ever interfer with his family because I never wanted to make a new wife or girlfriend feel left out. My question is do I need to turn my cheek again and be hurt somemore and tell him to go? We have been married 25 years and I have always felt like I was the Ex wife and she was the present. AM I wrong to feel this way? And should he go?
Moved to IMHO.
Having been on both sides of this issue I can tell you that the truly kind and loving thing you can do is support your husband in his desire to go to the funeral.
He loved her once. He probably loves her still. It has nothing to do with how he feels for you and for you to give him a hard time over this is small hearted, mean-spirited, and cruel.
Your difficulties with his family have nothing to do with this either.
Looks like you hold yourself out to be the better person. So BE the better person and let him go without busting his chops.
End of thread.
Seriously, this IS literally the last time she’ll impose on you. Let him go.
If you make a serious push to prevent him from going, you will prove to your in-laws that they’re right about you.
Please note that your feelings are perfectly understandable. The above posters are right though.
But if I may, I’d like to give a big WTF? to inlaws that can hold a grudge for 25 fucking years on the word of some ex lover. Wow!
I’d attend my ex’s funeral, just to make sure the bitch was dead. But that’s just me.
You’ve put up with worse over the years. For your own peace of mind, don’t let this be the hill on which to make a stand. She’s gone.
Yes
Hell, I’d accompany him to show that we’re a united team and deserve the respect due one after 20+ years. Anyone daring to say anything rude to you will look dreadful to everyone watching and OH they will be watching.
Why would you ever try to stop someone from going to anyone’s FUNERAL, dude? That’s not fair or rational on any planet of which I can conceive. If you found out a childhood friend of yours had died (even if you became enemies in the meantime), wouldn’t you want to go and pay your freakin’ respects?
By all means, stay home if you want. Don’t try to stop him from going because a) he’s going to go anyway, and b) you don’t want to let this issue come between you.
I have a hard time believing anyone is this controlling in reality, but hey. I’ll take the OP as writ.
present wife don’t forget that you get to decide how you feel about things. There is no reason to CHOOSE to feel hurt about your husband paying respect and perhaps getting closure regarding someone who at one time meant something to him.
There is also no need to continue to hold a grudge regarding people whose opinions should not have mattered to you in the first place. Maybe you should find someone to talk to about about YOUR feelings and don’t worry so much about controlling the feelings of others.
Both of you should go. It was nasty of her to try to interfere with your life, and it was stupid of your husband’s family to believe her, but now that she is dead, there is no sense in carrying bitterness about that. Once, many years ago, your husband saw something good in her, and I’m sure that’s the reason he wants to go to the funeral…out of respect of the fact that once she did mean something to him even though it’s obvious you are more important now. Let the bad parts of her die with her and try to focus on whatever small bit of goodness there was now.
Honestly, if I have the good fortune to outlive my enemies, I’ll just be grateful for that and forget about whatever they did to me. You outlived her - that means you won!
Let him go.
Funerals are for the living. So, if your presence would cause any angst among the mourners you should stay home.
It was a chapter in his life. If your attendance is to make a statement------even a well meaning, well intentioned statement------ stay home.
It is their day, not yours. (including him) Let them have it, unencumbered.