Today I received some bad news. My ex-husband’s father died around 5 a.m. Wednesday morning. He was only 57. My two older children, who were his grandchildren, are understandably upset about this. Hell, I’m upset about this. Regardless of how I feel about my ex and his mom, his dad always was nice to me. I’m not sure if it would be appropriate for me to go to the funeral home. I was going to call my ex in the morning and ask him if it was okay first.
Shadowfox
“The dead have risen, and they’re voting Republican!” - Bart Simpson
Well of course it’s appropriate, hon.
You go, no matter what anyone says, if he was special to you.
The funeral is for the living, not the dearly departed, and if you were fond of the guy you need to go and say goodbye.
That’s all. You just go.
And sorry about your loss. That sucks, but I guess things have moved on for him.
“Winners never quit and quitters never win, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.”
I’m sorry about your father-in-law, Shadowfox. It’s one thing to be divorced but you never leave those in laws behind when you have kids, or when you love them. I don’t know if I would even call your ex other than to tell him that you sorry about his dad. As Lexicon says, you’re there to say good bye, don’t let anyone keep you from doing that.
I suppose I’m not quite as militant about death as I ought to be, having had more experience of it than I’d like to admit, but I’m of the opinion that one does not go barging into funerals uninvited.
I’m sorry for your loss Shadowfox, but I think your instinct is correct. This is a difficult time for you, but a more difficult time for the immediate family. You indicated that your relationship with your ex and his mother (The son and widow of the deceased, respectively) is less than cordial, and I think showing up unannounced risks opening more wounds than it could heal for all parties involved.
I don’t know the ages of the children who are affected by this loss, but if they are of age to understand it is certainly their due to be included, and any arguments as to their role should certainly be settled quickly.
I know it’s adding emotional hardship to grief, and do not envy you the position, but I really think that contacting your ex to talk about protocol, if only concerning the children, is the right way to proceed.
I would have to go along with Dr. Watson on this one. Again, it depends on the ages of your children. If they want to go, but they want you with them, then of course tell your ex this. But being grandchildren would put them sitting with the immediate family, and probably their father. You would have to consider how you would feel if the roles were switched and it were a member of your family and your ex wanted to be there. Would you want him there?
I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Thank you everybody for thinking of me during this difficult time. My kids are 12 and 9, so they are being included in the funeral. But I decided during the night that I’m not going to go to the funeral home. Ultress, you hit it right on the head. If one of my relatives died and my ex showed up at the funeral, I would probably go ballistic. I don’t want to inflict any more pain on the family that I already have, so I’m going to stay away.
Shadowfox
“The dead have risen, and they’re voting Republican!” - Bart Simpson
I think you made the right move Shad, but OTOH, they might dis you because you didnt show.
It might be appropriate to talk to youe ex, or his mom, and ask THEM if they would like you to go, help with the kids, arrangements etc…
Sometimes something like this can help people put their differences aside even if only for a few days. If you dont go, I would definatly send flowers/make a charitable contribution in his name, and send a card.
As happy as I am that mom is ok, I feel really bad for your kids. Life can be so brutal.