I think I know what I’m going to do, but interested in what other people would do, and thoughts or comments about the situation.
There’s me, my partner, our two kids (16 and 19). My partner’s parents are divorced. He is not close to his family, but we see his mother (now about 80 yrs old) every year at Christmas. About 15 years ago, his mother started going out with a guy named Larry. He is (well, was) a nice bloke, signed the Christmas cards, and played with the kids when they were younger, but we only ever saw him at Christmas, so we weren’t close.
Two nights ago, Larry died. I told the kids. They were shocked, upset, never had someone die before. I automatically assumed that we would go to the funeral. That seems to me to be the unquestioningly right thing to do, to show respect for Larry, support his family, support my MIL and have closure for the relationship. The younger child has mixed feelings about a funeral, but is quite willing to go. The older one wants to go, to support Grandma and say goodbye to Larry. Here’s the kicker, my partner does not want to go and probably won’t, unless I make a huge deal out of it. Even more, his mother does not want the children to go. She sees no point in exposing them to something morbid. She said several times that if it were up to her, they would not be present. She is not usually assertive or domineering, so this is something she feels strongly about.
I am very conflicted. I think we should go (though if my partner doesn’t want to go, that’s up to him). When someone in your life dies, you don’t just shrug your shoulders. Also, eldest child wants to go. But my MIL doesn’t want us and she is the main grieving party here (from our POV). I feel like her wishes deserve some respect in this situation. But I’m astonished by my MIL’s attitude and don’t understand it.
This is tricky, because that is your partner’s mother… and Larry was a part of her life.
Is there more there that we don’t know?
(if it matters, I think your partner is making a HUGE mistake & will regret it a lot later on, but he’s not here. Both of your kids kinda-sorta want to go. As parents, one or both of you should take them… but yeah, this is going to end up in a fight in your household.)
In my cultural situation, a funeral is really a whole slew of events over a period of time: there’s a wake or viewing at a home or funeral parlor, then some sort of formal or religious memorial service, then the actual burial or remains-handling section, then some sort of reception / family & friends memorial or grieving party.
If this sounds familiar to you, then there are probably parts of that process that MIL would be more ok with the kids attending. You should ask your partner and MIL if that is the case here, and try to abide by their restrictions. If not, and the actual funeral is the only death-marking occasion, then I’d gently explain to MIL that eldest child WANTS to go to have closure and to show respect to memory.
For some families, death isn’t handled very openly and it is considered cruel or abusive to expose kids to ‘adult situations’ like death and grieving. The idea is that kids are innocent and oblivious and they won’t know to be sad or upset unless you ‘force’ them to deal with adult topics their little brains aren’t ready for handling. I think this is bullshit, but it’s very common in lots of families.
I understand the idea of protecting the innocent children. But my eldest is 19 and at university. I think my MIL was married at that age. I dunno if maybe she is still thinking of them as little ones, even though she technically knows quite well how old they are.
Maybe she is thinking that she needs to protect them, but if they were actually there, she would see that they can handle it, and even support her. Maybe having them there would be a hindrance to her, if she doesn’t want to cry in front of them, or she would be worried or angry that they were there. I don’t really know.
Would it be possible for the kids to put together a condolence letter/card/thing, instead of going? Can’t help but emphasize with the MIL here- she likely is not in the mindset to deal with additional grieving parties while she, herself, is mourning.
This is an observation, not a suggestion, from an older guy.
There are many times in life when someone wonders, “Should I go?” or “Should I spend more time with this person?” In my experience, you never go wrong taking the time and attending/participating. I more often regret NOT having done something or missing an event (like a funeral) than thinking, “Boy, that was a waste of my time.” This is true even when I recall being very young.
One obviously tries to avoid creating a situation where one is actually unwelcome or intruding, but that seems unlikely in this case.
One comment–from my point of view, sheltering a 16-year-old and a 19-year-old from attending a funeral is really, really coddling them. I come from a large extended family and had lots of older relatives, and I had been to more funerals and/or mortuary visitations than I can remember by the time I was 16.
I would attend, with the one interested child. I would arrive late, and quietly, take a place in the back. I wouldn’t sign the book, or greet anyone. Simply attend, then quietly leave.
(Make sure the child understands that’s how it will be conducted, that you will both be silent, invisible, and only attending the service!)
It will be a busy time for her, if you do it right, she won’t even notice either of you. You can decide afterward if you want to reveal that you did attend.
Yes I agree, my family is not particularly large but I still went to a couple funerals as a kid and looking back it is not a particularly upsetting memory. I mean, I remember being sad at the mass and burial, but it’s certainly not a memory I want to erase from my mind. Quite the opposite, they were mini family reunions.
I also think if they’ve never been to a funeral before, going to one for a relative they were fond but not particularly close to may make it less stressful when the next one rolls around. Because eventually, they will have to go to a funeral.
So I might frame it as, the kids really do want to come and say good-bye, and push it a little more. Have they known Larry for most of those 15 years? That’s almost their entire living memory. He may be something of a grandparent in their minds.
Since the loss is more your MIL’s than yours or the kids, and she’s said for them not to come they should not attend. Doing so over her wishes would be rude. If the kids can Skype/Facetime w/ her to let her know they’re sorry for her loss, I think that would be a nice middle ground; she knows their response is genuine and they feel they’ve been listened to.
Your partner…not much you can do there, grown adults do as they wish.
Your MIL is reacting to an unusual situation in her life and she may change her mind as the days btwn the loss and the funeral pass. She’s had a shock, frankly, and if this is what it takes for her to feel in control of the situation then so be it.
How far is it btwn you and where Larry will be buried? Maybe the kids can meet up w/ you and MIL after or somesuch.
People frequently say things different from what they want: the MIL could well be saying this simply because she feels it would be morbid for the boys; not because she doesn’t actually want them to be there.
It doesn’t matter the validity or lack thereof in the reason she’s given, to be frank; she’s said what she wants and to go against her wishes when she’s lost someone so close to her is unkind. She knows the kids want to be there and she’s said she doesn’t want them there.
It is her choice before theirs and telling her she’s wrong and the kids will do what they want is rude.
Seems to me that your 19-yo has every right to go or not go, by himself. The 16-yo is old enough to go accompanied by an adult sibling. I would express that to them, and tell them they are free to discuss their going with anyone who doesn’t think they ought to, and work it out.
jtur88, that’s a pretty heavy thing to dump on a 16- & 19-year old. They’re not toddlers by any stretch, but asking them to negotiate their desires directly with the MIL (their grandmother) in the midst of her immediate bereavement is dumb.
It’s a massive opportunity to create a lifelong schism between them when some combo of ordinary youthful cluelessness, 60 years of generational divide, and rubbed-raw emotions causes something that gets said to be taken wrongly.
My view is everyone should respect the old woman’s wishes. There will be plenty of future opportunities to deal with her later.
Whenever you do find out what the specific scheduled arrangements are, it’d be appropriate to have the OP ask one more time, politely and non-confrontationally: “The kids and I are still interested in attending if you don’t object.” Whether she says “OK” or “I’d rather you not”, drop it and comply.
Yes, you may be signing yourselves up to a mad flail to make travel arrangements on short notice. That’s the price we all pay for dealing with tough problems that don’t happen on a schedule.
Depending on how Larry’s health had been, MIL may be in a really weird state of being glad it’s over then hating herself for thinking that. Or she’s beside herself with worry for her own future. Whatever it is, it’s huge and it’s in her head not in yours. You can’t see it from where you stand.
IMO the most mature thing to do is cut the old gal a lot of slack. Give her the support you can in the way she wants on the schedule she wants it.
When I got to the part about protecting the children, I had to go back to the OP to check and see if I had read it wrong, and they were 6 and 9.
Normally I would make plans to go to the funeral and not even bother to ask anyone about it, it would be so assumed that going is the right thing to do. However, given how adamant your MIL is, I don’t know if there is some other factor – maybe she is fuzzy on exactly how old they are, or maybe she’s not comfortable with them (you?) around some of Larry’s family members (maybe he has some crazy family). Or maybe she is just in shock and not thinking straight. I’m not even sure that would be enough to stop me from going, but depending on the arrangements, perhaps there is a briefer way to pay their respects (going to the church but not to the cemetery, for example).
At 16 and 19, they might as well go to their first funeral now, they’re have other funerals to go to eventually, and at least with this one, they have you to give them the overview of the process (this is where you sign the guest book, this is when we briefly give condolences to Larry’s random sister and then move on because other people are waiting to do the same thing).
I would take the child who wants to go to the church/synagogue services, and let the other child make his/her own decision. Don’t worry if your partner doesn’t go. Sit in the back during the church/shul services, but don’t drive to the graveside.
For what it’s worth, my mother’s sister’s ex-husband came to my grandmother’s funeral, and he was nothing but welcome. He said he came to pay respects to a great woman he was honored to know, and initially sat away from the family, but we asked him to sit with us, and he even got up and said some very nice things about my grandmother.
So the most unexpected things can work out if everyone is an adult-- a tall order, I realize, when emotions are high.
My mother will probably die before my stepfather, and that will leave my son with the only grandpap he had ever known as his remaining grandfather. I have discussed with him continuing their relationship, and you bet we’ll be at his funeral. He wasn’t part of my life until I was 34, but I love him, and my son knows no other grandfather.
I think the children’s grandmother will be surprised at how well they behave during the service, because she probably still thinks of them an little and immature. You may get invited to graveside, or invited to go ahead to the reception. Unless the kids have very strong feelings about being graveside, I’d move on to the reception.
The feeling of your kids deserve respect as well as those of your partner’s mother.
If one or both of your kids feel like they want to go, why not let/take them? 16 and 19 isn’t to young to learn about death and mourning. It’s actually rather old in my experience. It may help them to say good bye to Larry, to see an end, and to get to hug their grandmother, feeling like they are sharing and supporting her.
16 and 19 are WAY behind the curve if they’ve never been to a funeral.
This is another way my parents fu*ked up their kids - we never had any idea what happens from time of death until a new marker showed up in the cemetery.
Unless they have attended funerals, maybe skip this one.
If they have NEVER seen even a funeral, let alone the events from death to a fancy box,
TAKE THEM. Or send them by themselves - they are old enough to travel unescorted.
I just noticed something we’re all ignoring. Which is to our credit, but still …
The OP is a man. His partner is a man. Somehow they now have two mostly-grown kids. All fine in my book.
The partner (the old woman’s son) doesn’t want to go to his mother’s 2nd husband’s funeral. And doesn’t have much relationship with his mother either.
So …
Is there perhaps a gay acceptance problem with Mom, her family and friends, or Larry’s family & friends? One nobody is talking about but is the elephant in the room? Remember, all these folks are 70+ years old and hail from a different era.
I can imagine the OP and the almost adult “kids” showing up at the funeral and when folks ask who these people are, Mom needs to hem and haw and say “well, they’re my son’s gay lover and the kids of some weird background mumble mumble mumble.”
Then heads asplode all around because that’s not at all the cover story Mom’s been telling everyone for years. Or they’re such virulent homophobes that this looks like an attack to them.
When emotions are running high and people are doing a tradition-heavy activity, e.g. a funeral, anything modern and unconservative feels especially unwelcome. And the more conservative one is in daily life, the more this comes out to the umpteenth power at big life events.
We’ve had threads and threads about folks showing up at funerals in shorts and a t-shirt because, well, that’s the only way they dress. Others are aghast at doing something so very, very outre at such a traditional symbolic occasion. The mutual incomprehension is monumental. As is the mutual belief that compromise is impossible.
Is this maybe what’s really going on here? Only the OP can shed some light.