My Mother’s Father, Earl, who left her mother, Audrey, the same weekend that my mother and father got engaged. 31 years ago. I first met him when I was 17, and have seen him perhaps 4 times in my life. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over 5 years, and while I generally disapprove of people having to go through painful health problems (I think he has a bad heart), I can’t muster any stronger feeling than that.
My husband was very close to his deceased father’s father, and was heartbroken to learn of the death three months after it happened. He thinks that I need to ask for bereavement time, and fly up to Portland to see Earl before he dies. I know its ok for me to not really care, but how do I convince my husband? I wasn’t really broken up when Audrey died, 10 years ago, and am not really ever heartbroken about anything. He says that I will regret not going, but I think that he is just projecting.
For those that may think that I am heartless, I can make myself by imagining a loved one’s death, and I expect to be fairly crushed when my parents go, but I just don’t know the man and don’t particularly care. I feel bad for my mom, who has to go see to his affairs, since she is the only one of his 6 kids in contact with him.
Any advice? I also wanted to share that this inspired my parents to make me the guardian of my teenage sister if they die. Hmm, maybe I should check and see how old she is. Am I a bad sister and granddaughter or what! :rolleyes:
I don’t think you have an obligation to go see someone you don’t know very well, especially when he presumably has friends and close family around him. You understand where your husband is coming from but things just aren’t the same for you, and that’s OK. The only way I would think about going was if my mom needed my support while she dealt with his affairs.
Well, you probably have a greater connection to one of your tenth grade teachers that you met when you were 17 and saw every day for at leas tone full term of school, would your hubby expect you to fly up to see your teacher?
I know that sounds cold, but you really don’t know this person. I have gone to funerals for relatives I’ve barely known, but I did so in support of the living relatives to whom I was actually close. If I had visited that distant relative while she was dying it just would have confused her. Her mind was still healthy (her lungs were shot), but she’d only met me two or three times at other family funerals. To go and visit her on her deathbed would have been strange and uncomrfortable for us both.
“Hi, I’m your son-in-law’s cousin once removed. We met at Uncle Fester’s funeral 9 years ago. And I think we talked about the weather at the memorial service when Aunt Flinstone died in 2002. I thought I’d come visit you.”
Same here. I’ve gone with my husband to funerals even though I barely knew the person who died. He was losing a best childhood friend, or whatever.
I understand what the OP is saying, but you also say your mother will have to handle things alone. Wouldn’t she appreciate you being there with her through the funeral, at least? It’s going to be very hard for her to handle.
It’s sounds from the OP that Earls isn’t in contact with any of his 6 kids, except the OP’s mom and the issue isn’t so much his death that will be painful for her, but rather, being charged with the burden of settling his estate. (ETA: If I’ve misnterpreted the OP, I apologize).
It’s on ething to go attend a funeral, the OP’s hubby thinks she should rush to his bedside to see him before he dies. That would be a bit awkward. What’s he going to say? “Oh you’ve come… Uh, who are you again?”
Worse than that - the OP’s situation reminds me forcibly of my father’s father. The man who was divorced by my grandmother before my father (conceived to “save” the marriage) was born, because he couldn’t stop tomcatting for 9 months. Quite honestly the only thing I would have had to say to that man, as an adult would have been things along the lines of, “You really are a fuckwicket, aren’t you? By the way, Mr. Attorney, if you’re about to die intestate, I’m really going to think you’re a selfish tool.”
My father had to deal with his father’s estate alone. And the only problem my father has mentioned was dealing with it being intestate and in another state from where my father was residing, while he was trying to finish up his Ph. D.
What I really don’t understand is what the OP’s husband expects the OP to say to this man whom she knows less well than her teachers from school? Certainly, while there is a genetic link, there is no emotional link. And it sounds like it’s the dying man’s own actions that made that the case.
Using this analogy to help your husband “get” where you’re coming from is better than any I can come up with.
I find it so weird that some people have such a strong association between “family” and “love” that is just part of how they view things. I don’t understand how I could, nor do I feel obligated to love someone who I have no interests in common with, and who otherwise would never be someone I have any particular interest in knowing, just because we share the same genetic background.
So I completely understand why you don’t particularly care.
Maybe your husband is just those “family automatically = love” people, but I don’t know him, so that’s just a guess. I think it’s likely that for this reason, or just because he loved his grandfather so much, he can’t comprehend you not caring deeply about yours despite the circumstances. If this is the case, I personally don’t think there’s any way you can really get through to him and make him fully understand how you could mean it when you say, “no, I really just don’t particularly know or care about this man.” IMHO, you won’t be able to convince him that it’s ok for you not to care.
Even if he does “get” that you really don’t care right now (and especially if he doesn’t “get it” in the first place), I’m sure he genuinely fears and worries that you WILL regret it, and doesn’t want you to go through the pain he had to. If I were in your situation, I’d first try my best to state that I really don’t care, and I know myself well enough to know that I WON’T regret it, regardless of whether or not he believes you.
But what’s more important, I think, than trying to get him to believe you (since I’m sure you’ve already tried and failed, and I don’t see it really working) is to emphasize that this is your decision, you feel it’s the one that is right and best for you. Tell him that if you should regret it later, you’re prepared to accept the consequences, which will be easier to accept if you knew you did that you felt was right at the time.
Just make him feel a little less worried about your decision until the man dies and you can prove to him that you’re ok.
However, just throwing it out there that if it were me in your situation, I’d probably just go see him whether I cared or not (assuming the cost of the flight and time off work were no big deal to me). I wouldn’t go for me or because I thought I might regret not seeing him while I could, but for everyone else. I’d go to help my mom out and to set my husband at ease. I’d also go because I’d wonder whether or not the man regretted not being closer to his family, and whether or not seeing me would add a little comfort or happiness to his final days. And, I’d go because it would be a nice excuse for a short vacation.
“I don’t want to get in the way”, “I really think I’d do more good if I went later and helped my Mom”, “I don’t want to creep the poor guy out. Having strangers come visit before he dies just highlights the fact that he’s dying”, or “I don’t want to look like I’m trying to make him feel guilty. He kept in touch with the people he wanted to keep in touch with. If I show up, it will imply that he should have kept in touch with me, too.”
When I was in my early 20s, I had to walk one of my cousin’s friends to school every day. She’d moved out of the house when she was 17 (there was some government “student welfare” program for kids who stayed in school).
Her father had tried to kill her. The police were called because he had a machete and was trying to kick down her apartment door. So she needed an escort in case he was waiting in ambush by the high school (I carried a baseball bat while escorting her).
Her cousins thought it was purely scandalous that she had “betrayed her father” because no one in their right mind would call the cops on their own dad. You’re supposed to love your dad, right? So as far as they were concerned, she was the nutty one.
Thank you all for your advice and stories. My mother has my dad there with her, and lots of his family too. Also, his heart problems have given Earl some brain damage due to lack of oxygen - he doesn’t recognize my mother or his caregivers. She called my husband to let him know that she didn’t need me there and that I really wouldn’t be upset about it - yay Mom! So we are ok now. Thanks again.
