Mrs. Phlosphr and I were having a small debate this weekend, as my in-laws are going through a bit of a problem in their marriage.
My in-laws are a divorced couple. Married for the past 13 years, they have a great marriage, mom-in-law is a bit controling, and likes to be center of attention. Dad-in-law is very even tempered - career law enforcement - his ex-wife recently died and he stated that he wanted to go to her funeral. Mom-in-law said:"… I have some reservations about that… "
My wife and I completely support my father-in-law’s want to go to his ex-wifes funeral. He has children with her, and there was love there at one time. I am not really worried about mother-in-law, she’ll get over it. But I thought it quite insensitive of her to actually incinuate that he shouldn’t attend. For no other reason go and show his kids he is there for them at such a bad time.
What do other dopers think? Any divorced dopers have a say? Would you go to your ex’s funeral, expecially if you had children with him or her?
I went to my ex’s funeral. My husband wouldn’t join us, but I felt I needed to be there for my son as well as for closure for myself. He was a lousy partner and a lousy dad, but you just have to do things for your kids. I cried a river at that funeral. And I’m not even terribly sorry he’s dead. Go figure.
Actually, we’ve only seen each other once in the past twenty years, and it’s unlikely any of her friends would know who I was. However, if I heard of her death, I’d feel like I should show up. My wife, however, probably wouldn’t like the idea.
My cousin’s ex came to her funeral. Actually, he wasn’t really her ex; they had been separated for more than 10 years and he wouldn’t give her a divorce, so that’s as “ex” as he got. They had a daughter together, though, so he came to her funeral. I hadn’t seen him in years. It was slightly uncomfortable but not too bad. I thought it was good for him to come for their daughter, who ended up living with him after my cousin died. It turned out fine.
I suppose it would have to revolve around the circumstanses of the divorce as to wether or not I’d feel ok about bringing the current spouse.
In the case of my father-in-law he divorced her because she was a horrible gorgon like figure who lost her self and her mothering abilities in the bottom of a bourbon bottle.
But if say he had cheated on her and the situation was the same, I’d saying bringing your spouse would be slightly inappropriate.
At one time I loved the woman enough to marry her. She is the mother of my child. Our marriage relationship ended, but there was, is, and always will be a connection. Of course I’d go. Whether my new wife went would be entirely up to her.
I would not go at this point (been divorced 8 years) even though we have children together. He’s remarried and I would not want to intrude on his wife.
I would send flowers. I sent flowers when his mother died, even though she was no longer my mother-in-law. And I would send flowers to his funeral.
Of course if my children requested that I attend, then I would. It wouldn’t harm me and might help the grieving process for them.
Funerals are for the living, not the dead. One should only go if their presence would not cause additional stress and pain to those close family members who are attending.
If my ex died tomorrow, I wouldn’t go, but only because it would involve a trip to Chicago, which would be more than I’d be willing to spend. I might send a card to his parents, though. If we happened to live in the same city, I’d go. And I’d probably go without my SO, who would probably feel weird about it.
But if we’re talking about him dying of old age (we’re 29 right now), then forget it. I’d be old news by then, and it just wouldn’t matter.
My brother’s ex came to his wake. She is and was a psycho. She stayed for over three hours and had to hug and kiss everyone and let them know how much she loved Mike. He had been remarried for 20 years and he did not speak to his ex in the past twenty years except for occasional conversations about their son.
It was OK that she was there, but three hours was too long for her to stay and her tears and carrying on were too over the top to be believed by anyone. It was more drama than we needed at an already stressful time.
Actually I have been looking forward to it! LOL NOt really…yes, I would go absoutely. He is the father of my children and was once a huge part of my life. I would go 1) to pay respects to a former family member and 2) out of support for my children.
Absolutely. Especially since they had children together. He should go to support the children, as well as a show of respect. His absence would be more conspicuous than his presence. Your MIL needs to take the high road here, but doesn’t need to attend the funeral herself.
I would have gone to pay my respects to my ex-in laws, who were very nice to me after the divorce. But they have already passed on, so I don’t think so.
I would definitely go, unless my ex had remarried and his new wife would be uncomfortable. (We have a child, I don’t know if that makes a difference or not) I know my current would go with me, and I would go with him if he wanted to go to his ex-wife’s funeral.
