I hear a lot of jokes…some good, some bad; some funny, some not so funny. But none that would make me fall out of my chair laughing. So, I need your help. What is the funniest joke you have ever heard?
Q. Why don’t more blind people take up skydiving?
A. Scares the hell out of the dog.
Q: How does a blind skydiver know when he’s about to hit ground?
A: The leash goes slack.
Cletis and Otis are sitting on a stump, waiting for the still to boil. To pass the time, Cletis says, “Otis, I’ll think of a sumthin’, an’ yo try to guess what it is. Yo gets 20 questions to figger out what it is.”
“Awright, Cletis; is yo thinkin’ of the sumthin’?”, replies Otis.
Cletis closes his eyes, and tries to think of something, but the only thing that comes to mind is a donkey dick.
“I gots the sumthin’ in my head now, Otis. Go ahead and ask.”, says Cletis.
“Is the sumthin’ good to eat?”
Cletis rolls his eyes and rubs his chin, than says, “Yessir, it could be!”
“Is it a donkey dick?”
A guy, a dog, and a pig are marooned on a small island. After a few months, the pig starts to look kinda good to the guy. So, one evening, while they’re sitting there watching the sunset, he puts his arm around the pig. The dog gets real jealous, though, and starts growling and snarling, so the guy removes his arm from around the pig.
About a month later, a beautiful young woman, half alive, washes up on shore. The guy nurses her back to health. A few weeks later, while they’re all sitting around watching another tropical sunset, he starts to get those feelings again, so he leans over to the beautiful young woman and whispers…
“Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”
God came to Adam and said" I’ve got a great idea for the perfect companion for you. Sex will alway be available whenever you want it. You can go golfing whenever, with no bitchin’. And she’ll always take care of the kids cheerfully. And staying out late drinking with the boys will never be a problem."
Adam said, “What’ll it cost me?”
God said,“Oh-- an arm and a leg.”
Adam said, “Too steep. What can I get for a rib?”
“I’d like to propose a toast: to the last Tzar of the Russias, for while all the people were penniless, he was Nicklaus.”
Sometime I slay me!
A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods when the bear asked the rabbit: do you have trouble with crap sticking to your fur? The rabbit answered: no. So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.
Descartes is sitting at a bar, having a few drinks.
Later in the evening, the bartender asks, would you like another drink?
Descartes says, “I think not…” and disappears.
Two dogs are sitting in cages at a veterinarian’s office. One dog says to the other, “Man, this place is terrible - What’d you do to get here?”.
The other dog replies, "Well, my owner's a mean old b***ard, yesterday he was having a cookout. He gets this big juicy steak and lays it out on a plate next to the grill, lights the grill, then goes inside to get something. I sat there for a while, looked at it, salivated, then couldn't help myself, so I grabbed the steak and ran. He was mighty mad when he got me. So that's why I'm here. So what about you?"
The other dogs says, "Well, my owner's a beautiful college girl, and yesterday morning she woke up and took a shower. Well, she got out of the shower, put one foot up on the side of the tub, and I looked at her, salivated, then couldn't help myself. So I jumped on her and went at it."
The first dog says “Wow! You mean you’re being put to sleep for THAT???”
"No, I'm just here to have my nails trimmed!"Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said “These potatoes remind me of Zeke’s balls.”
“Are they that big?” asked the other.
“No, they’re this dirty.”
Curtosy of Montypython.net
Funniest Joke in the World
NOTE: The ‘Funniest Joke in the World’ DOES NOT translate into English. It’s some made-up gibberish words mixed in with some real German words in a proper sentence structure, but it doesn’t mean anything, so don’t bother trying to decipher it. Besides, if you managed that you’d probably die laughing.
[This post has been edited because:
- The entire script for the Monty Python skit was printed, instead of just posting a link.
- You gave no indication that you recieved permission from the Montypython.net to reprint the script.
-
Montypython.net, an unofficial Monty Python fan site, never had the rights to that script in the first place. They did post a message offering to delete anything that the true owners of the material found objectionable, but that’s not really enough, legally, to cover our butts, is it?
-slythe, the heavy-handed censor]
[Edited by slythe on 08-22-2000 at 12:08 AM]
Wow. Talk about sucking all the joy out of a truly hilarious sketch. I don’t know who told you it would be funny to post that script, but they were wrong.
It does lose its flavor when posted verbatum from a site that was copying it verbatum. It was more to show that the subject was tackled by monty python once, and that if you had an imagination you could see how hillarious it was.
The front side of my head says vote Nadar
The back side of my head says vote Buchannan
Which side is the right side?
Trick question with three answers.
A: The front side is the only side that can talk (The back side doesnt make noise unless hit with something)
B: The back side is more conservative therefore its right (Its to the right)
C: Neither side, the right side is right. (Left and Right, not front and back.)
I could be mistaken, but I seem to remember the OP asking for funny jokes…
i’m gonna catch hell for this one but…
What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a
call from a friend, who tells him, “I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I’m sending him over.” The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
“A female horth”, the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. “Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?”
So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s eyes.
“Ok, what about the eerth?” Now the owner is getting pissed off, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears. “OK, finally, can I see her twat?”
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s vagina, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that.
“Can I thee her wun awownd?”
A woman was at the doctor’s office for her yearly physical. The doctor reported that everything looked normal, except for some abrasions on her knees and elbows. When asked about them, the woman blushed and admitted she had recently been doing it doggy-style. The doctor smiled understandingly, good to have a healthy sex life, and all that. “But,” he added, “if you do it lying on your back, you won’t get those rugburns.”
“I tried it that way, doc,” the woman replied, “but my dog’s breath just about killed me…”
If you are American when you enter the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
-European.
What’s the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub?
-A women in church has hope for her sole, and a women in the bathtub has…
If you got it then you’ll get this one:
What’s the difference between a women’s basketball team and a team of intelligent little pygmies?
One is a team of cunning runts, and the other…
There are two:
- Man walks into a bar, sees beutiful blonde woman behind the bar. Sign above the bar reads: Beer - $5, Sandwiches - $5, handjobs - $10.
The man orders a beer, waits a minute, then calls the beutiful bartender over.
“Are you the woman who gives the handjobs?” He asks.
“Yes.” She purrs.
“Good. Can you wash your hands, I want a sandwich.”
- What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.