Eve,
Love your version! I believe this glurge may be the one that prompts me to tell my sweet 70 something aunt to stop sending me this crap!! I love her, but DAMN!
Looking forward to more re-writes,
Zette
I got about 3/4 of the way through before I felt the bile a-rising. Sweet merciful crap, I can’t believe that people think this treacle is for real. So why didn’t the “birdies” just keep the garage door from slamming down on little Timmy, or whatever the hell his name was…
Vomitus, simply vomitus.
Weaklings. That’s all I can say. 
Made it. Even started snickering, when I figured out where this was leading.
You know, maybe there’s some dude in a cubicle in some company who writes these on his spare time. Maybe he just gets a kick out of irritating people to this level.
can’t…type…blood…too…thick…crystallizing…hardening…brix…scale…95…degrees…fro…zen
Stick a dildo in me and I’m the human lollipop.
Wow, it would seem that the “birdies” have no conscience when it comes to contributing to spam. Not to mention the ability to monitor the email/internet usage of everybody who comes into contact with this sap. Maybe the “birdies” are actually NSA agents that are testing “carnivore”.
What time of year is “birdie” season anyway?
I was jsut drinkin most of my paycheck that friday night at Kyle’s Kracker Korner when teh phone rang behind the bar. While Corinne went a answerin ti, we boys started a joshin bout whos wife it was gonna be beggin they’re man to come home well damn if it aint wasnt me which is strange cause Betty Jo knowed shes gonna get it real bad iffin she ever tries to cut in on her man when hes on a bisness meetin.
Well it turned out it was about our eldest, Maybella. Turns out she done squeezed out the pup she had down at teh county hospitle, which I goddamned told them not to go to since babies been born for six thousand years without no damned hospitle so now I’m double mad like a snake got his rattle cut off an stepped on at teh same time.
Wouldn’t you knowed it if that damned officer Barton pulled my ass over on the way jes fer runnin a few red lights he said I’s drunk but hed take be on by the hospitle to see my grandbaby fore I go back to jail. That sumbitch got no compassone.
well there at teh hospitle was a nother damned officer. They let me see Maybella’s baby, all right. Little blue thing teh size of a damned football, lookin like some sorta Smurf. The doctor done told me its cause his hearts all backwards cause hes enbread they knowed this cuase they done did a DNA test on him an found the baby’s mine. But I’s to smart for that trick I tol em a course its gonna have my DNA cause Maybella’s my kin but they tol me she done don’t match me at all. Ain’t figured that one out yet.
So that’s when I figgered it was a good time to git on outa there. Them officers was fast, but they stopped when I toppled a couple a patience and done broke they ivys. I borrowed a ambulance and went back to the trailer park and got the money out the tea box Betty Jo thunk I don’t knowed about since I don’t drink no tea cause its afeminate. Then I got out Davey’s hog cause hes allays leaveing teh keys in it when hes drunk an took off.
Teh cops ain’t never gonna find me cause instead of going to Linden or Berryville like they’d think I’s a gonna go, I’m hidin out right under they noses in the big city, Winchester. But it’s expensive here goddam Budweiser is well nigh twelve bucks a case an I’m runnin low on money.
Please jesus send me money and good fortune will a come you, all gold and jools and things. Mail it to:
Bobby Wayne Wise
Motel 6
1330 Mosby Pike room 13
Winchester, VA 24039
PLEASE JESUS HELP ME! SEND THIS TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS RIGHT NOW OR GOD WILL DRAIN THE OIL OUTA YOUR CAR AMD MAKE YOU BURN IN HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION BUT DONT SEND IT TO THE POLICE.