Gag me with glurge

Man, if this one doesn’t take the cake, I don’t know what does. Get yourself a shot of insulin- I DARE you to read this in it’s entirety. I would also love to read a re-write of it, as I think it is ripe for the picking as far as a parody goes. Strap yourself in, and read on:
[serial mom]"That one made me puke! [/serial mom]

A Father’s Story

On July 22nd I was enroute to Washington, DC for a business trip. It was all so very ordinary, until we landed in Denver for a plane change. As I collected my belongings from the overhead bin, an announcement was made for
Mr. Lloyd Glenn to see the United Customer Service Representative immediately. I thought nothing of it until I reached the door to leave the plane, and I heard a gentleman asking every male if they were Mr. Glenn.
At this point I knew something was wrong and my heart sunk. When I got off the plane a solemn-faced young man came toward me and said, “Mr. Glenn, there
is an emergency at your home. I do not know what the emergency is, or who is involved, but I will take you to the phone so you can call the hospital.”

My heart was now pounding, but the will to be calm took over. Woodenly, I followed this stranger to the distant telephone where I called the number he gave me for the Mission Hospital. My call was put through to the trauma
center where I learned that mythree-year-old son had been trapped underneath the automatic garage door for several minutes, and that when my wife had found him he was dead.

CPR had been performed by a neighbor, who is a
doctor, and the paramedics had continued the treatment as Brian was transported to the hospital. By the time of my call, Brian was revived and they believed he would live, but they did not know how much damage had been
done to his brain, nor to his heart. They explained that the door had completely closed on his little sternum right over his heart. He had been severely crushed. After speaking with the medical staff, my wife sounded
worried but not hysterical, and I took comfort in her calmness.

The return flight seemed to last forever, but finally I arrived at the hospital six hours after the garage door had come down. When I walked into the intensive care unit, nothing could have prepared me to see my little son
laying so still on a great big bed with tubes and monitors everywhere. He was on a respirator. I glanced at my wife who stood and tried to give me a reassuring smile. It allseemed like a terrible dream. I was filled-in with
the details and given a guarded prognosis. Brian was going to live, and the preliminary tests indicated that his heart was OK, two miracles in and of
themselves. But only time would tell if his brain received any damage.

Throughout the seemingly endless hours, my wife was calm. She felt that Brian would eventually be all right. I hung on to her words and faith like a lifeline. All that night and the next day Brian remained unconscious. It seemed like forever since I had left for my business trip the day before.

Finally at two o’clock that afternoon, our son regained consciousness and sat up uttering the most beautiful words I have ever heard spoken. He said, “Daddy hold me” and he reached for me with his little arms.

[TEAR BREAK…smile] By the next day he was pronounced as having no neurological or physical deficits, and the story of his miraculous survival spread throughout the hospital. You cannot imagine we took Brian home, we
felt a unique reverence for the life and love of our Heavenly Father that comes to those who brush death so closely.

In the days that followed there was a special spirit about our home. Our two older children were much closer to their little brother. My wife and I were much closer to each other, and all of us were very close as a whole family.
Life took on a less stressful pace.

Perspective seemed to be more focused, and balance much easier to gain and maintain. We felt deeply blessed. Our gratitude was truly profound.

The story is not over (smile)!

Almost a month later to the day of the accident, Brian awoke from his afternoon nap and said, “Sit down Mommy. I have something to tell you.” At this time in his life, Brianusually spoke in small phrases, so to say a large
sentence surprised my wife. She sat down with him on his bed, and he began his sacred and remarkable story.

“Do you remember when I got stuck under the garage door? Well, it was so heavy and it hurt really bad. I called to you, but you couldn’t hear me. I started to cry, but then it hurt too bad. And then the ‘birdies’ came.”

“The birdies?” my wife asked puzzled.

“Yes,” he replied. “The birdies made a whooshing sound and flew into the garage. They took care of me.”

“They did?”

“Yes,” he said. “one of the birdies came and got you. She came to tell you I got stuck under the door.”

A sweet reverent feeling filled the room. The spirit was so strong and yet lighter than air. My wife realized that a three-year-old had no concept of death and spirits, so he was referring to the beings who came to him from
beyond as “birdies” because they were up in the air like birds that fly.

“What did the birdies look like?” she asked.

Brian answered, “They were so beautiful. They were dressed in white, all white. Some of them had green and white. But some of them had on just white.”

“Did they say anything?”

“Yes,” he answered. “They told me the baby would be all right.”

“The baby?” my wife asked confused.

Brian answered. “The baby laying on the garage floor.” He went on, “You came out and opened the garage door and ran to the baby. You told the baby to stay and not leave.”

My wife nearly collapsed upon hearing this, for she had indeed gone and knelt beside Brian’s body and seeing his crushed chest whispered, “Don’t leave us
Brian, please stay if you can.” As she listened to Brian telling her the words she had spoken, she realized that the spirit had left his body and was looking down from above on this little lifeless form.

“Then what happened?” she asked.

“We went on a trip.” He said, “Far, far away.”

He grew agitated trying to say the things he didn’t seem to have the words for. My wife tried to calm and comfort him, and let him know it would be okay. He struggled with wanting to tell something that obviously was very
important to him, but finding the words was difficult. “We flew so fast up in the air. They’re so pretty Mommy,” he added. “And there are lots and lots of
birdies.”

My wife was stunned. Into her mind the sweet comforting spirit enveloped her more soundly, but with an urgency she had never before known.

Brian went on to tell her that the “birdies” had told him that he had to come back and tell everyone about the “birdies.” He said they brought him back to
the house and that a big fire truck, and an ambulance were there. A man was bringing the baby out on a white bedand he tried to tell the man that the baby would be okay, but the man couldn’t hear him. He said the birdies told
him he had to go with the ambulance, but they would be near him. He said they were so pretty and so peaceful, and he didn’t want to come back.

Then the bright light came. He said that the light was so bright and so warm, and he loved the bright light so much. Someone was in the bright light and put their arms around him, and told him, "I love you but you have to go back.
You have to play baseball, and tell everyone about the birdies.

"Then the person in the bright light kissed him and waved bye-bye. Then whoosh, the big sound came and they went into the clouds.
The story went on for an hour. He taught us that “birdies” were always with us, but we don’t see them because we look with our eyes and we don’t hear them because we listen with our ears. But they are always there, you can
only see them in here (he put his hand over his heart). They whisper the things to help us to do what is right because they love us so much.

Brian continued, stating, “I have a plan, Mommy. You have a plan. Daddy has a plan. Everyone has a plan. We must all live our plan and keep our promises. The birdie help us to do that cause they love us so much.”

In the weeks that followed, he often came to us and told all, or part of it, again and again. Always the story remained the same.

The details were never changed or out of order. A few times he added further bits of information and clarified the message he had already delivered. It never ceased to amaze us how he could tell such detail and speak beyond his
ability when he talked about his birdies. Everywhere he went, he told strangers about the “birdies.”

Surprisingly, no one ever looked at him strangely when he did this. Rather, they always got a softened look on their face and smiled.

Needless to say, we have not been the same ever since that day, and I pray we never will be.

An Angel To Watch over You.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go…Some people become friends and stay a while…leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts … and we are
never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!

Yesterday is history…Tomorrow a mystery…Today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present!

Live and savor every moment…this is not a dress rehearsal!

THIS IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL…YOU MUST PASS THIS ON TO 5 PEOPLE WITHIN THE HOUR OF RECEIVING HER…IF YOU HAVE PASSED HER ON, SHE’LL WATCH OVER YOU
FOREVER…IF NOT, HER TEARS WILL FLOW…

Now don’t delete this message, because it comes from a very special angel.

(Sniff)…Birdie Soup for the Soul! I believe we should declare a 5-day waiting period for all garage-door purchases!


Always look for the baby when pulling out of the driveway.

Nope - couldn’t make it thru… And now I’ve got to go and take an exam - I shoulda knowed better’n to open this…

<sigh>

Wonder what my angel knows about Systems Engineering Planning??

<insert stunned into a stupor smilie here>

I admit it – I couldn’t make it through either.

However, I eagerly await the Fox TV special:

When Garage Doors Kill!

:slight_smile:

Ohhh. So **that’s ** what I had for breakfast.

Apparently, God is an American. Shit. You guys get everything, don’t you? Nukes, cheap petrol, big cars that cost 20 bucks, and now God.

It’s not fair. I want birdies too. I did once get a bunch of pink elephants on my bedroom ceiling, but the doctor told me that had something to do with the 35 beers I had the night before. So I guess I’m shit out of luck. Feh.

I have vomited everywhere.

I must find the perpetrator of that glurge and sue them for my dry cleaning costs.

Great. I already put sugar and vanilla flavoring in my coffee and then read the thread. I’ll be bouncing off the walls all day from the gooey sweetness.

Wow, remarkable grasp of english and a nack for description in a three yr old! My three yr old niece is lucky to put 2 coherent sentences together. I should probably take her to church.

On July 22nd I was enroute to Washington, DC for a business trip. It was all so very ordinary, until we landed in Denver for a plane change. As I collected my belongings from the overhead bin, an announcement was made for me to see the United Customer Service Representative immediately. I thought nothing of it until I reached the door to leave the plane, and I heard a gentleman asking every female if she wanted to come into the VIP Lounge to see some etchings. When I got off the plane a solemn-faced young man came toward me and said, “There is a horrible horrible emergency at your home. I do not know what the emergency is, or who is involved, but I will take you to the phone so you can call the hospital.”

So,m what the hell, I had an hour between planes. I called the number he gave me for the Mission Hospital. My call was put through to the trauma center where I learned that my three-year-old son had been trapped underneath the automatic garage door for three days. My husband found him on the first day, but he’d been really preoccupied what with the playoffs, and didn’t get around to prying him out for awhile.

CPR had been performed by a neighbor, who is a busybody, and the paramedics had continued the treatment as Brian was transported to the hospital. By the time of my call, Brian was revived and they believed he would live, even though his head had been completely severed and had to be stuck back on with Elmer’s Glue and some twist-ties.

When I walked into the intensive care unit, nothing could have prepared me to see my little son laying so still on a great big bed with tubes and monitors everywhere and his head on backwards. I glanced at my husband, who was trying real hard not to laugh.It all seemed like a terrible dream—I even had justy my underwear on, and I had forgotten to study for my finals.

Throughout the seemingly endless hours, my husband was calm. It might have been that he had co=opted Brian’s morphine drip. Finally at two o’clock that afternoon, our son regained consciousness and sat up uttering the most beautiful words I have ever heard spoken. He said, "Jesus fucking Christ, when are you going to get that garage door fixed, you asshiles?” and he reached for me with his little arms.

By the next day he was pronounced as having no insurance, and was released. You cannot imagine we took Brian home, we felt a unique annoyance with our Heavenly Father for letting him get squooshed like a bug. In the days that followed there was a really bad mood hanging about our home. Our two older children were very jealous of Brian and wanted backwards heads, too. My husband and I were much closer to each other, though we still avoided having sex, as we already had too damn many kids.

The story is not over (evil smile)!

Almost a month later to the day of the accident, Brian awoke from his afternoon nap and said, “Sit down bitch of hell. I have something to tell you.” At this time in his life, Brian usually spoke in small phrases, so to say a large sentence surprised me. We sat down with him on his bed, and he began his sacred and remarkable story. In a voice soundsing very much like Mercedes McCambridge.

“Do you remember when I got stuck under the garage door? Well, it was so heavy and it hurt really bad. I called to God, but he couldn’t hear me. I started to cry, but then it hurt too bad. And then the ‘little red birdies’ came.”

“The little red birdies?” my husband asked, puzzled.

“Yes,” he replied. “The birdies made a crackling sound and flew into the garage. They took care of me.”

“They did?”

“Yes,” he said. “one of the birdies came and got you. She came to tell you I got stuck under the door.”

An acrid smoke-like scent filled the room. The air truend red. My husnband realized that a three-year-old had no concept of death and spirits, so he was referring to the beings who came to him from the depths of hell as “birdies” because they were up in the air like birds that fly.

“What did the birdies look like?” he asked.

Brian answered, "They were so beautiful. They were dressed in red undies, and had little pointy horns and breathed fire.”

“Did they say anything?”

“Yes,” he answered. “They told me you and Mommy were his chosen elect to bring on the empire of the damned. They’re so pretty Mommy,” he added ominously. “And there are lots and lots of birdies.”

My husband was stunned. Into his mind the sweet comforting spirit enveloped her more soundly, but with an urgency he had never before known.

Brian went on to tell her that the “birdies” had told him that he had to come back and tell everyone about the “birdies.” He said they were so pretty and so peaceful, and he didn’t want to come back.

The story went on for HOURS. He taught us that “birdies” were always with us, but we don’t see them because we look with our eyes and we don’t hear them because we listen with our ears. But they are always there, you can only see them in here (he put his hand over his heart). They whisper the things to help us to do what is right, like setting fires and putting things in peoples’ food.

Brian continued, stating, "I have a plan, Mommy. You have a plan. Daddy has a plan. Everyone has a plan. it involves killing as many people as we can before we get caught.” We didnp;t hear any more, because the pillow kept muffling his words.

In the weeks that followed, he often came to us and told all, or part of it, again and again. And again. And again. Always the story remained the same. Eventually we moved while he was at Daycare, but the litle bastard found us.

Everywhere he went, he told strangers about the “birdies.” Surprisingly, no one ever looked at him strangely when he did this. Rather, they always got a sly smile on their face and nodded.

Needless to say, we have not been the same ever since that day, and I pray we never will be.

Dammit, Coldie (smile)! You stole my quote (smile)!

I’m just glad that the random stranger in the airport knew exactly who this Mr. Glenn person was, as he didn’t offer his name to anyone. Unless the birdie told him. Or he was wearing a nametag. Yes, I think in these people’s ideal world, everyone is wearing a nametag.

I wonder which position the kid’ll play.

::Munch saunters off, in search of all-purpose cleaner and a new keyboard::

I like Eve’s version much better!

Eve, may I copy it and send it to the next idiot that sends me the first version? Maybe that will cure them of sending me this crap.

I’m curious about the Stepford-like quality of the obviously Valium pumped mother who just wandered around calmly saying “everything will be OK.”

I may believe one of these glurges one day when I hear “My wife was a crumpled, sobbing heap, shaking her fist at god, telling the doctors to go fuck themselves and leave her alone.”

And no…I could not read the whole thing. As soon as that kid said “birdies” I skimmed to the end.

I already know the lord has a plan for me. It ain’t to read shit like this.
jarbaby

Eve - fwiw you just made my day…

Oh, Eve – I think I love you, if only for this sentence…:slight_smile:

You mean the “birdies” are actually…angels???

Wow.

And all this time I thought it was pigeons who were shitting on my car.

Eve that was great. Have to keep that around for those idiots who insist on sending me this crap.

Incidentally, do you ever get the “sick kid” ones? “Forward this message and my kid’ll get a new kidney?” Here’s the response, which turned up in my Inbox not too long ago…

:smiley:

[aside for my ego]Hey, it’s my 100th post! Do I get a post party, or should I just content myself with a chocolate bar?[/aside for my ego]

Good for you. :smiley:

Ya know, I’ve got a sweet tooth and I couldn’t make it through that festering pile of gooey sweetness.

Feh. That was horrible. Just plain horrible.

Eve’s is a much better version. I like the “twist-ties and Elmer’s Glue thing”. Also the part about Dad watching the playoffs.

:smiley: