Thread about parents’ ages gave rise to thread about “accidents”, which inspired me to start this one.
If you know my posts, you know the story. First daughter: 1952. Second daughter, 1957. Third daughter – me – 1970. They have winter birthdays and I have a spring birthday, so they were 12 and 17 when I was born. However, the second daughter was estranged for many years, so I was left with effectively a 17-year gap.
I’m interested in hearing from half- and step-siblings as well as full. For full siblings, I think a true gap starts at about 10 years. Maybe eight, depending on the family dynamic. Year of birth can also be relevant. My sisters got to experience the freedom of the late '60s and early '70s when they were old enough to appreciate it, while I was brought to consciousness in the liberal '70s, then suddenly found myself in the conform-or-die '80s. It also makes a bit of a difference how many older siblings there were. And of course, there’s the planned vs. surprise/accident factor. And if any older siblings want to chime in, they can.
Well, you’ve read it here before, maybe, but my oldest daughter was born in 1987, my second daughter in 1991, and my third, not until 1999 (actually, Dec. 29, 1999, so this close to being a Y2K baby; but she was a scheduled C-section, and hubby wanted us out of the hospital by Y2K, so we scheduled a few days early).
As a result, I now have: a daughter who’s been married for over a year; a daughter who’s living on her own, with her boyfriend; a daughter who is in the 5th grade.
For all intents and purposes, 10YO mudgirl is an ‘only child’. She gets along well with her sisters, and absolutely idolizes my middle daughter, but they’re out on their own, and have been for over a year now. The kid has me more or less to herself.
Both of my older daughters are registered here, so you may hear from them. But their internet availability tends to be spotty, so I’m not sure. . .
I’m the elder of a “gap” pair - my brother was born when I was eleven. Sometimes I say that I was an only child and so was my brother ;). I first moved out of home when I was seventeen, so obviously we didn’t have a huge amount of opportunity to be close (and now we live in different countries and probably will for the forseeable future) but I do really like him as a person, and think he’s pretty cool.
He was over a few years ago, for our Nan’s funeral and stayed a couple of days in Melbourne, and I remember joking to him at one point “hey, we really do think alike. It’s almost as if we grew up in the same house or something!”
There are some things about our upbringing in which I had the better deal - I was a lot closer to our grandparents for instance and had a lot of favouritism shown me as first grandkid on both sides. On the other hand, he never had to stay home as a teenager to babysit a younger sibling, or live in a house with only an outside toilet. So I think the scales come out fairly even there.
The impact somewhat depends upon when the gap occurred. For me, my siblings were born in the 1930s, during the depression. They grew up poor, with our parents struggling to keep them fed and clothed. I came along as a baby boomer in 1947. Within a few years of the war, my mother and stepfather were making ends meet, and by the mid-50s were part of the burgeoning middle class. As a result, I was given the things that other kids had; things my sibs had only dreamed about.
By the time I was ten, my sibs were both married and starting families. They grew up with swing music and Sinatra; I grew up with Elvis, The Beatles and Hendryx. They grew up dealing with sibling rivalry; I grew up as an only child. I also grew up with a different set of values than my sibs, and it causes friction to this day. They are die-hard, hard-core Republicans who are suspicious of other ethnicities and races. They never went far from home, whereas I’ve been all over the world.
Same here, except I have a sister. She’s very much the stereotypical youngest child, instead of having the traits of being an only kid. Maybe because she was the long awaited second baby, and everyone went a little crazy over her.
My brother was born in 1948, my sister in 1949. I was born in 1964. We also moved from Ohio to Kentucky between my 2nd and 3rd grade years of school, so I grew up in a completely different environment than they did.
I can’t really say that either of us had it better. They grew up before our dad became disabled, but even afterwards, he was still fairly active. We all get along well now.
This would seem to fly in the face of any social/psych studies that I’m familiar with. While a gap baby may not technically be an only child, the liklihood of that child growing up with the same expectations and mindset of an only child is high, depending on the size of the gap.
I’m not clear on what the “expectations and mindset” of only children are, but I do know this: The gap baby may be off the older siblings’ radar once they leave home, but they are probably not off hers. She probably still thinks of herself as having sisters, while they probably now think of her as “the kid at home.” So she’s alienated, while still knowing that she’s NOT an only child.
Not exactly what the OP had in mind, but… both of my parents were the babies of their families. Dad’s sister is eight years older, and mom’s siblings are sixteen, twelve and five years older. All but one of my eighteen cousins are older than me, most of them by at least ten years.
I don’t think it generally has anything to do with who is on/off the other person’s radar, but about things like how having to share/compete for the resources in a family, or not, shapes a person as he or she grows up.
As an only child, I really have to agree that if you have older siblings, you are not an only child. Being an only child is not about not having to “compete” for resources, it is about not having siblings. If someone else knows what its like to be raised by your parents, you are not an only child.
I have known and loved several “gap babies”, and their lives and experiences are not like mine, and not like those of my other only child friends. That’s just the way it is.
To return to topic, please keep sharing. I love “story” threads. I’m fascinated by sibling relations as only an only child can be.
BTW, Rilchiam, I just remembered this old thread. What made you change your mind about gap babies and only children? I’m really curious, and amused at the contrast.
If the gap is large enough, they might only know in general terms though.
My sister and I can’t sit back and talk about what it was (or is in her case) like to grow up with this or that parenting style, because our parents had completely different values, resources, techniques, and circumstances after all that time.
Rilchiam, I’m not sure what you mean - is that post a reply to mine? Someone has to be the last to leave, but most siblings usually spend a substantial amount of time under the same roof.
edit: I see now that this is in IMHO, so I won’t keep hijacking the poll.
Omega, there’s no poll here. Say what you want to say; I’m just looking for anecdotes.
And yes, I was replying to you (although not combatively). norine has said in other threads that mudgirl is “almost eleven,” and if she’s only been alone for a year, that means she spent ~10 years living with at least one sibling. To me, that is a substantial amount of time. The second of my two sisters left when I was barely 5. From my perspective, mudgirl is merely the youngest. She was old enough, when the middle daughter left, to know what was what, as opposed to me who only found out that Jan wasn’t coming back when I asked when she was bringing the TV back. Suppose there was only a four-year gap, and mudgirl was alone only from age 14 on. Would that make her an only child for four years? I’m holding with septima here: if you have siblings, you’re not an only. And unless the parents have all multiples, someone will be the youngest.
As for your case, well, having only one older sibling is different too. There are so many variables in this! I think it’s worse in cases where there are two or more children already when Oopsie comes along. It can happen, although I’m not saying it always does, that the older siblings end up putting aside their differences and allying themselves against the newbie. And that doesn’t always get resolved either.
