Gay marriage and tradition

Great Debates
41

Scylla, I’m really glad that you had such a great wedding, in a framework that really made sense to you. I’ve been to a few weddings like that, and they really are fun, if you’re into that kind of thing.

However, that wedding would be downright impossible for my boyfriend and I, and not just because of the same-sex nature of our relationship. For various reasons, neither of our families would be able to spring for the nuptials, for instance; we’re stuck with whatever costs we incur. Then there’s the question of religion. We’re both agnostics, and our families are mixed. As in, mine is mixed between various Protestant denominations with a strong tendency towards Christian Science, and his is mixed between nondenominational Christian and traditional Navajo. Choosing one would be disastrous; compromising would be, well, surreal.

His extended family is huge, literally hundreds of people; they get hundreds of people at any family event. My family is tiny; I could expect an attendance of, optimistially, four.

Now add in the fact that it’s a gay wedding, and things get really complicated. My boyfriend’s not out to his entire family, but his immediate family is very supportive. Having a major ceremony would entail a whole lot of family controversy, which my boyfriend is understandably reluctant to start. Having a small ceremony with just immediate family would be equally controversial; that kind of exclusion just isn’t done.

So we’re going to elope. Which appeal to us more, anyway. A romantic vacation where we exchange rings and vows in private, surrounded by forest. We’re both looking forward to that a lot more than we would be to a wedding.

Trying to fit our wedding into a traditional mold, trying to apply any traditions to it, would be disastrous. There’s no way for us to have a happy traditional wedding, no matter how we redefine the roles, or change traditions to suit us. Every way we’ve looked at it, a public wedding ceremony would be a massive mess, resulting in hurt feelings, family drama, and at the center, us, having no fun at all.

So we’ve taken the elements that appeal to us, the ones we deem necessary, the rings and the vows. Because, to us, that’s what really matters.

You won’t be invited to our wedding, Scylla. But don’t be offended, nobody else will either. Whether anyone witnesses it or not, afterwards we will have committed ourselves to sharing our lives with each other, for as long as we both shall live.

That’s traditional enough for us.

42

MrVisible:

The elopement is of course one of the most cherished of all wedding traditions. If it was good enough for Romeo and Juliet…

I have to admit though, that the Christian Navajo gay wedding complete with major family feud would be a pretty hot ticket as far as I’m concerned.

The disapproving-family-mixed-religious-complete-wedding is still another tradition, but I understand your reluctance to embrace that particular form.

What will your wedding be like? Have you been to other same-sex weddings, and if so, what were they like?

Elucidator:

Yes, I too have noticed the Bridesmaid/Usher drunken one night stand is traditional as well.

It would be interesting to see how this translates over to same sex weddings. I can see it now, Frank the straight Usher wakes up next to one the bridesmaids. Except, this bridesmaid is named Jim.

43

[hijack]

**elucidator, ** unless I’ve been whooshed, I’m surprised at you! Assuming that women are always the victims if an alcohol-lubricated mindless fling takes place at a wedding…and that the woman in question is a slut if she indulges? (And presumably the man is not?)

What kind of liberal *are *you?

44

Interesting sort of hijack: I was getting coffee at the local 7-11 and singing (in my horrible, can’t-carry-a-tune voice) “The Last Man in my Life” from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Song&Dance. A guy getting coffee asked me about it, we got to talking, and he asked where he could get a copy cause it sounded like something he wanted played at his upcoming gay wedding. I told him the CD and mentioned that it’s also available in German. When, he was marrying a German guy, so I faxed him the German lyrics.

45

All right, I recognize that I’m still wet behind the ears here, so hope I don’t step on anyone’s toes by throwing in my .02…

I think that I’m safe in saying that anyone who has attempted to organize nearly any type of wedding can attest to the incidents that blind-side participants in even the most carefully-planned and/or “traditional” ceremonies, which is part of why Wedding War Stories are so universally painful - er - funny.

The piece of advice that helped me (besides “Pull down your veil when you leave the church to keep from getting birdseed down your dress”) was to remember that everyone present is either planning or reliving their own wedding, which of course brings out the Full Moon Effect in normally rational friends & family members.

Having tried (with spectacular lack of success) to give everyone what they thought they wanted from my wedding by staging and paying for two - yes, 2 - receptions on the same day, I can say that there are rabid dichotomies in Tradition even among WASP’s that would be indistinguishable on any Census form, and that great logistical and emotional damage can be unintentionally inflicted by assuming one knows what is expected.

Yes, it is much more easily said than done, but ASK what your role is (even if it is just to stay out of the way) and be flexible. Among the Drunk-Senator-Whatsis-who-had-to-be-invited and the For-Heavens-Sake-don’t-make-the-groom’s-parents-sit-next-to-each-other!! moments in my memory are the aunts and brothers’ girlfriends who stepped in on no notice to cover the forgotten gift table or cutting the groom’s cake.

All right, off the soap box, as I’m now up to .05…