Gender Confusion: Advice for a difficult road ahead (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Last night, a friend came in from out of town. He said he wanted to talk to me alone. It was something agonizing and that may make me no longer want to be his friend. I’m pretty laidback, and told him that the only things that could be **that ** bad would be for him to be a rapist, a murderer, cruel to animals, etc. He told me it was nothing illegal, so all my worst-case scenarios were ruled out.

It was so hard for him to work up the courage. He asked me what I had learned in Abnormal Psych (got my degree in Psychology a few years ago) and knowing it was a lead-in, I said that first of all, abnormal doesn’t mean ‘wrong’ or ‘freak’. Depression is covered in AP, but that doesn’t mean that you’re ‘wrong’ because you have it. I also listed psychosis, personality disorders, anxiety disorders, sexual disorders, etc. I listed that last because I figured that people really only go through this kind of agonizing over sexual issues.

He stopped me there and asked me what I knew about sexual disorders. I again stated that ‘abnormal’ and ‘disorder’ didn’t have anything to do with the person. I said that it may look on the surface as a binary system; man, woman; tab-A, slot-B; but it isn’t. Human sexuality covers the whole spectrum. Then you’ve got the gender-identity issue. The parts you have don’t define who you are. Everyone gets a “Basic Body Kit” from the factory at birth. Some kits are missing pieces, some have broken parts, and some people get the wrong kits altogether. Sometimes you can make-do with the wrong kit, but sometimes, it’s just *too * wrong and you have to do something about it.

He struggled so hard with what he wanted to say next. It was painful to watch him go through so much anguish and not be able to do anything about it. Then he managed to blurt out, “I think I should be female”.

“Ok.”

“I know this has been so hard for you, and I don’t want to demean your suffering, but that not a big deal to me. You’re my friend. You feel that your exterior doesn’t match your interior. That’s terrible and I hate to see you unhappy. I can’t imagine what that must feel like. But whatever clothes or name or extra bits you put on or take off, that means nothing. You’re still my friend.”

He just hugged me and cried for a while. We talked for the next two hours. He’s done a lot of research and knows the Standards of Care regarding sex-reassignment surgery. He knows that it’s a long, hard process and that it may not be right for him. I told him that if he ever wants to try a new identity, he’s welcome to come visit me. I’ll do my best to use the right pronouns and name. If, at some point in the future, he tells me that he wants to drop the whole thing, I’ll support that too. It’s better to explore the possibilities and find out which don’t work for you than to never to have tried at all and be miserable.

Now, my dilemma: he has a fiancé. She’s also my friend. He said that he loves her very much and would like to be with her for the rest of his life. He won’t blame her for leaving. This was not the relationship that she signed up for, but he would be happy if she stayed. He wants to marry her, and knows that this must come out way before they start making plans for the wedding. I told him of a couple I know where the sex-reassignment came after several years of marriage. They’re still together and still love each other very much. I was told, “I love him no matter what. I just wish I could be gay. It would make the sex better.”

I told my friend that I understand why he wanted to tell me before her. If I turn my back on him, he’s lost a friend. If she can’t take it, he looses the love of his life. There’s much more at stake there. This is not my secret to tell. Only he can tell her something this big. But he trusts my advice. Should I advise him to tell her now, this very minute? Or do I tell him to wait until he’s more comfortable, more sure?

I’m not trying to make his decisions for him or tell him what to do and how to do it. He’s got a hard road ahead and only he can walk it. But he asks for my advice and I want to give the best advice possible. Any words of wisdom?

2

My husband has some gender qualms, and, while he doesn’t think these qualms are enough to justify anything as drastic as reassignment surgery, he was very open with me about it when we started dating. I decided that this is something I can deal with. If he had not been open and honestly, and if we’d gone into this marriage and then he brought it up, I would have been supremely pissed. It is definitely something, however, that he needs to discuss with his intended ASAP.

Bear in mind, however, that one’s gender identity is much more important than, say, one’s hairstyle. Your friend may want to take a bit of time to make sure that he’s dealing before telling her. It might be something that she won’t be able to deal with, and, should that be the case, he’s going to need all the calmness and rationality he can get beforehand ('cause God knows it’ll go right out the window if the worst happens). If he comes in as a basketcase, having just realized this himself, it could go very, very badly. So, he might not want to rush off and tell her right this nanosecond. Just hope for the best and prepare for the worst, and plan to be there with him if things go badly.

3

Strangelove, you might get many opinions, but few would have the experience of Angel of the Lord.

I just wanted to commend you for how you have dealt with your friend’s confidence. Everyone should have such a considerate friend.

4

First just let me say that he’s damned lucky to have a friend who is as supportive and as understanding as you are. Then I’ll echo the above and say that regardless of whether or not he goes through with or even whether experts feel he is appropriate for gender reassignment then yes, his fiancee needs to be told as soon as possible as this is going to affect her life almost as much as it will affect his. I would also advise him to take some annual leave from work if he can so that he’ll have a few days free when he tells her because he’s not going to be able to concentrate on work while he’s having to deal with this.

5

I think you handled this really, really well.

Since you asked, I’m voting for tell the fiance now. She may actually be able to deal with it. If she can’t, best to break things off now than years down the road when, God forbid, there’s children involved.

6

I also commend you for being an excellent friend. We should all be so fortunate to have someone as kind and thoughtful as you when we need support.

7

I have no advice to give, but you are a wonderful friend.

8

Gah! I had the perfect response all typed out and then I lost it! Ok, summary:

I highly recommend that your friend (and you, if you are so inclined) read My Gender Workbook, and Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women, and the Rest of Us, both by Kate Bornstein. She’s a transsexual activist/writer/performer who’s gone through very similar stuff as your friend. She’s funny, touching, accessible, and has interesting ideas on the subject of gender in general.

I would also suggest that your friend tell his fiance as soon as possible that he’s having these feelings regarding his gender identity. I only say this because I witnessed a marriage break up over this exact issue - it was not pleasant. Obviously, he needs to collect himself and make sure that he’s sure about his gender identity (whatever it may turn out to be) before addressing his SO, but I’m guessing he’s probably been mulling this over for awhile on his lonesome, so he may have come to some conclusions already.

Lastly, you are an awesome friend. Simply awesome. Everyone should have a friend as awesome as you. Hope things aren’t too scary/hard for you and your friend - I’m sending prayers and good vibes.

9

Yep, you’re an awesome friend. Yep, he should tell his fiance ASAP. But what he should tell her is that he’s confused, and he’s trying to work it out and that he utterly and completely loves her (assuming all these are true), not that he’s a woman. Because it doesn’t sound to me like he’s certain he is. If I’m misreading and he’s certain he is a woman, then of course that’s what she should tell her. (Wow, pronouns were hard in that sentence. No offense meant by mixing "his"es and "her"s, OK? Just trying to do my best here.)

But look at it this way: presumably, his fiancee is his best friend, right? Or at least, one of his best friends. Wouldn’t a best friend want to know what’s going on with her best friend and be a support? Of course, she has her own emotional turmoil here, but that’s not going to go away with time, it’ll only get worse and be “why didn’t you tell me sooner?” fodder.

Has anyone paged **Kaitlyn **to this thread? The title isn’t too informative, so she may have skipped it. Maybe she could get Mrs. Six’s viewpoint for us, since they seem to have worked it out wonderfully.

10

Thank you everyone for all your helpful advice.

Okaybear, I’ll send the info on those books his way.

I’ve also contacted a Mod to change the post title. I was spending more time thinking of what to post and not thinking about what to call it.

I had no intention of this becoming a “Aren’t I so cool” thread. It does make me feel better to know that other people think I said the right things. When someone is taking my words so seriously, I worry about it. It’s breaking my heart that a friend of mine is in pain and there is nothing I can do to make it better. All the adivce I’ve gotten so far from all of you has given me different viewpoints that I had not even considered.

I knew I could count on this community for advice and ideas. I’ve always been a bit of a lurker, and it’s reassuring to see how wonderful you all are, to everyone and anyone. I can’t tell you how much it’s helping.

Thank you!

11

Strangelove, i respect your wishes about this not being an “Ain’t I great” thread. But — if you are not already involved in some sort of profession or avocation involving couseling, may I suggest that you have a natural gift for it?
It appears that you have the proper mindset, the knowledge, and some really useful analogies.
It brightens my day to know that there are compassionate and capable people like you out there.

12

I obviously wouldn’t have gone with any of the suggestions in this thread if I were in your position, but that’s not really the issue here.

Personally it’s been my opinion that if someone brings something out to you in confidence, you just plain don’t tell anyone for almost any reason.

As a Catholic for example I was raised with the confessional, and that’s a pretty important bond.

You, as a psychologist (I have no idea if you’re a clinical, research et cetera psychologist) I think that you represented a “double-safe” person to speak with for your friend. And unless imminent life/death/harm situations are involved I don’t think you should spill the beans to the fiance under any circumstances save your friend asking you to do it for him.

13

Oh, I have no intention of telling his fiance. There is no way that anything good could come from that. No matter how you twist and turn things, that kind of revelation can only come from him. I was more interested in advice and options that I hadn’t considered for him.

I like the suggestion about telling her that he’s confused instead of that he’s really a woman. Becuase, from what I understand, that’s closer to the situation. All of the suggestions that I’m getting here are going to be presented to him. It will always be **his ** choice on what to say, when, and to whom.

I hope that the fiance doesn’t come to me someday and ask me why I didn’t tell her. I know that I can only say that it was not mine to tell.

He knows that he needs to seek the help of a professional, but he works part-time in retail; low wages, no insurance. He’s hoping to be able to get back into school in the summer. Hopefully then, he can get some real help. Until then, I just don’t want to say something to make things worse.

14

Fixed title per request of OP.

15

Four years ago I was in a similar position your friend is in now. Every male friend and casual aquantance I had without exception broke off contact with me when they found out. Most of my female freinds did the same. I have one close freind from that time in my life. I would have given just about anything to have had someone like you to support me. So many things would have gone easier for me if I had.

I had lost two girlfriends as a result of my gender confusion before I met my current wife, Mrs. Six. I told her when we were still dating, just before we became intimate for the first time. This was pretty much a requriement, as I had far more women’s clothes at home than men’s, and didn’t own any men’s underwear or pajamas. This didn’t bother her and she actively encouraged me to further explore my gender identity as our relationship went along.

That she married me knowing the profound difficulties I was having with my gender identity still amazes me. There are other couples like us, but it isn’t unusual for this to end the relationship.

My advice is this: If he can afford it, your friend should see a counselor who specializes in gender identity problems. I know from experience that therapists who do not specialize in this area are capable of doing more harm than good either through ignorance or malice. I don’t know where you are, and I won’t ask, but you can find a preliminary list of gender therapists ["]here.](http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html). An experienced therapist has dealt with issues like this before and will be able to help your friend decide when and how to tell his fiancee, and will likely be willing to have a joint session for that purpose.

If he can’t afford a couselor–he’s going to need one for the transition process anyway–you could offer to help him tell his fiancee. You sound like you know how to present this in a reasonable and objective way, which could be a big help.

Your freind should not begin making wedding plans without telling his fiancee. He may indeed lose her as a result, but he may find her to be willing to work with him. She may be ambivilent. In any case, if she is going to stay in his life, there’e going to be a lot of work for the two of them to go through together. Either way, she needs to know soon. Maybe not this very moment; if he can get in to see a therapist first that may help him figure this part of it out better.

Continue to be a supportive friend. He needs that more than anything else at this moment. For whatever it’s worth, my story is in the two threads linked in my sig, though I’ve had things much easier than most women who are in your freind’s postion. Your freind is at a difficult part of the process, and it might not get easier for a long time to come, and things may indeed get worse for a while. But there is a time to come when things will look better, and will be better, but he’ll need a lot of support from as many people as possible to get there.

Some people are lucky and come out the other side feeling happier, more whole, more complete. Some end up with broken lives, alienated from family and friends, careers destroyed. Having people who support and believe in her is the key to coming to a good result.

16

Ok, I messed up the link above.

Gender Therapists.

That link should work.

17

First of all I’d like to say I greatly respect people who go through such issues, and I fully recognise this as a viable problem. But then I’m going to go against the grain (that’s my nature a little) and ask some more general questions. Perhaps they have already been dealt with in another thread, in which case I’m trusting my fellow dopers to point out the error of my ways.

Anyway, here goes.

First of all, I would like to point out that gender identity is plain and simply overrated. I was raised by my parents to shun the words masculine and feminine and as a child I would happily play mom and dad with my neighbour/best-friend (a girl) cross-dressed. I had old dresses from my grandmother which I loved to wear. I’ve had long hair for parts of my childhood and until I was 11 me and my mother were frequently addressed as ‘hello ladies’.

It’s not at all that I didn’t do boy stuff, I just did boy stuff and girl stuff. And my best friend did the same. She cut her hair really, really short one time, and she was the best soccer player in the street (full of kids, bear in mind, soccer here is more like American Football in the U.S. than soccer in the U.S., as girls play but here the ratio is well over 10 boys for every 1 girl playing soccer. I had dolls as a child, but we both liked to play with lego and playmobil, etc. etc.

To make a long story short, changing your gender identity can be done by breaking down mental barriers. In my case, my parents helped me to break down the barriers between male and female altogether. I would feel perfectly happy in either body. If a man likes women and not men, but also wants to be a woman himself, this can often be a simple matter of not being able to cope with the gender borders that have been as unnaturally imposed upon him as the ruler-drawn borders on Africa. Fortunately, the former border is easier to ignore and break down, at the very least within yourself, because although it takes a lot of hard work, it is work you can do mostly yourself (help is appreciated, but you’re not dependent on millions of others).

Second, it is very important that it is ruled out that other problems that he may not want to deal with consciously are ruled out. People are very good at transposing problems with other problems that they are more comfortable with. You’d be amazed what some people are ready to accept of themselves, because they are unwilling to deal with something else. If the transplanted issue is one that is not easily talked about, it can start to rule someone’s life to a large extent, by way of obsession.

In short, I would try to dissuade someone from undergoing surgery, before dealing with the above issues. Such issues are touched upon when you start the process of getting the transformation, but once this trajectory is started, the patient can become fixed with reaching the goal of the journey more than when these issues are dealt with outside of that context.

18

Like the others, thank you for being their for her. Or him, if he stays that way.

Yes, he probably should advise his fiancee, soon, that he’s got some of this confusion going on - I’d not suggest a public place, but definetly a semi-neutral place where she feels if she needs to step away for a bit she can (don’t go take a weekend in the mountains and then “wreck” it with the news).

From the spectrum of people I’ve met over the years, I think there is a lot involved in it, and many levels of comfort and “need”, as it were. Some people can experiment a bit, but never get to the point of more than cross-dressing, some start down the path towards surgery, and some complete it. And everyone has had many different experiences with their siginficant others. Some accept the exploration and full out change, some don’t - sometimes the matter just settles itself or becomes moot (they were on the verge of break up anyway, and the significant other never knew that this may have been part of their problems as a couple).

I had no idea there were books about this (it’s been a while since I’ve done any reading in that area) - I’m glad to hear it. Maybe the next friend I have who strikes up this conversation will benefit from those books as well.

Good luck to you and your friend.

19

Applesauce.

(Because I’m not allowed to say “bullshit” in IMHO)

20

Really, Eve? Why do you say this?