NOTE: This advice doesn’t apply to me in any meaningful way, as Mrs. Homie is (knock on wood) alive and well.
But after reading this article, I got to wondering. What is the general protocol for relationships after one has lost a spouse? Does the Conventional Wisdom™ from dating experts suggest that mentions of one’s former spouse should be kept to a minimum? Should he/she be discussed openly?
Anyone on the Dope had to go through this?
Reported for forum change.
Long as we’re still here, I think the general protocol is that when you’re at the stage of discussing your overall who-I-am-and-where-I’m-coming-from with somebody you’ve recently met, that’s when you would mention that you’re a widow/widower.
From then on, you wouldn’t seek out conversation about your late spouse but wouldn’t try to edit her/him out of the conversation either.
Presumably, if you’re still in love with the late spouse and nobody could ever possibly mean as much to you as they did, you wouldn’t be looking to date somebody new. And presumably a reasonably intelligent and secure person could figure that out and wouldn’t be threatened by the fact that your life and relationships still retain traces of your former marriage.
Moved Cafe Society --> IMHO.
I am in this situation. Ms. Inexplicable died after a long struggle with leukemia last year.
I am now a single man for the first time in a long time.
Dating is odd to say the least.
But, I have friends and they try to ‘set me up’. There is a big gathering this weekend next door.
Maybe I will report later if anything happens.
But, I think everyone I know already knows that my dear bride is deceased. So, I don’t bring it up. Stories happens and she comes into play, but not as some ravening ghost who threatens any of my possible mates.
I really have no idea to be truthful. This is all terra incognito for me.
I look forward to knowing more.
I always do.
Gagundathar, sorry to hear about your loss. I also am in this situation, although it’s only been a little over 3 months and I haven’t even thought about dating. I’m still just trying to pick up the pieces and figure out where I’m going to go from here.
I do think that when or if I do start dating, if my late wife and family is conversationally off limits then that would be the end of the relationship.
This post is for those of you who are considering dating a widow or widower.
Internet dating is dicey in the best of circumstances, but for widows & widowers even more so. Yes, the first few dates are the “getting to know you” stage, but to ask someone out of the blue “so, um, how did your wife die?” is rude. I just want to have a nice time on a date, not discuss past personal tragedy with someone I don’t really know. My response is always “I really don’t care to talk about it right now.” Of course, for most people, internet dating is all about looking for red flags, so this will be interpreted as “I’m still not over it, take a pass on me.”
Crazy. If your date’s ex is still alive and he or she talks about them: red flag. But if the ex is dead and they won’ttalk about them: red flag.