If I’m given one of those little, whaddyacallems, hors divors, with a toothpick in it, do good manners require me to eat the toothpick too? What if it’s got one of those little decorative tassel caps on it? What about, say, a minaiture flag of a foreign land? I only ask because that one time I ate the umbrella out of my drink (hey, they said the garnish was edible), it opened in my esophagus and the resulting to-do was a little embarrassing.
Signed,
Afraid To Make Another Social Mistake That Might Involve Another Emergency Tracheotomy (And We All Know What Those Are Like)
Hey, Milo:
Which do you recommend: the salmon or the teriyaki tri-tips? Does it matter if I don’t like fish? I mean, if the salmon’s good, the salmon’s good, right?
Skip the wine. I recommend rubbing alcohol. And masturbation without lubrication causes frustration. Try Icy Hot. It’s a little-known erotic secret. You’ll love it.
Uke Ike:
Telling the wife, particularly if the affair is over and she would never find out otherwise, is certainly your best course of action. Be sure to spare no detail.
I should emphasize, however, that it’s important that you tell her Dad about it first. Try to sound casual.
magdalene:
**
You owe him sex regardless of who pays, silly. :rolleyes:
As for your financial situation, try to scare up some money at local stores, taking it out of those cans they put out for various charitable causes. (A family who lost all their possessions in a fire has insurance; your social life doesn’t!)
If you can postpone the date to Sunday night, try attending a few churches in the morning and taking money out of the collection plate, being careful to make it look as though you’re putting money in.
If all else fails, leave him under the impression you’re going Dutch; then, after you’ve had a good meal and some wine at a very fine restaurant, fake a seizure or a choking incident. Knock tables over; really ham it up. He’ll never have the heart to hit you up for cash after that. And it will be an amusing anecdote for you to look back and laugh on as your relationship blossoms.
**
The best way to find out what constitutes heavy lifting for a person such as yourself is to go to a gym or use free weights at home. Begin by doing forearm curls with about 100 lbs., and increase the weight by 20 pounds after each set of 8 repetitions.
As for the non-alcoholic fluids, they only tell you that because it’s a little known fact that not drinking anything at all for like 3 days after giving blood gives you a killer buzz! You can’t buy stuff that good on your local street corner.
Skip any and all fluids altogether. And if by chance you can slip into another blood drive within 24 hours and give with your other arm using a fake ID, it enhances the rush all the more. I highly recommend it.
bare:
**
Don’t get a life; take a life! And start with that bartender!
If homicide isn’t your style, you can really show that bartender what-for if you pick a fight with all of that establishment’s bouncers at once. It’s difficult to explain the connection. Just trust me. I’m a professional.
scratch1300:
**
Have you considered the Gaza Strip? Sunny, warm, much less tourist traffic, and more bang for your tourism dollar.
If you go there, I highly recommend you wear apparel featuring American flags, even something with the words, “I am an American tourist” emblazoned on it. They have a special fondness for Yankees there, and you’re likely to find someone willing to take you on special, off-the-beaten-path tours that not everyone gets to see.
BTW, they love religious humor over there. Tell a few off-color Allah jokes, and you’re in like Flynn!
I ran into a car this morning on my bike, and broke it pretty good. i smashed the window and really scratched up the paint. It looks pretty bad. I was wondering what i should do about it?
Wump
P.S. Does it make a difference that he’s a cop and im having sex with his wife and daughter?
**
You’ve obviously developed a calendar problem, and you’re in too deep to even see it.
Cold turkey is the best way to cut off this addiction. Remove all calendars from your life. Ditto watches, clocks and other time devices. You decide what happens when! Trust me; give it a few months and you’ll never feel so alive. Others, particularly your employers, will admire you for dancing to your own tune.
Coldfire:
**
I recommend a Ford Explorer, with the suspension jacked up so it sits extra-high, and loose, so there’s a lot of body sway. I also recommend that you do a little under-the-table dealing with your local tire supplier and get a set of those Firestone tires that were recalled last year. My sources tell me that the so-called “problems” with these tires were a ruse. They really had to get them off the market because their handling capabilities were positively wicked, and the average motorist isn’t prepared for that kind of handling.
Find yourself a curvy highway, put the petal to the metal and give your new bad ride a test!
As for that scrotum rash, it’s obviously not something you want to see a doctor about. That kind of thing is too embarrassing. I recommend scratching it. A lot. In public.
porcupine:
**
Drink hot cocoa. With those little miniature marshmallows in it. You’ll earn points from your fellow Dopers for originality. Anybody can get drunk at a bar.
elucidator:
**
Your shy turtle could be suffering from separation anxiety. Essentially, he misses his mother. Make him feel like he’s back safe in his mother’s womb, and he’ll come out of his shell, literally and figuratively. Stuff him down your pants and carry him around for a few days.
Saint Zero:
**
They send it to you as a free gift after you email the White House 100 times a day for 100 straight days. The catchphrase they’re looking for is, “The voices are telling me I must kill him soon.”
Before you know it, the prize patrol will be at your door, and you’ll be staring life right in the face!
andygirl:
**
Pig’s blood is always good. Especially warm and fresh.
Everyone should wear straightjackets, leg shackles and chastity belts. The more restraints the better!
For both you and Persephone: I’m glad you came to an expert with your PMS question. After careful medical research, I can tell you absolutely: PMS is a myth. It doesn’t exist. It’s like Gulf War Syndrome, only phonier.
It’s all in your head! Now suck it up! And be extra nice to your male significant other for the next week to 10 days!
** That’s not an advice question. Sorry. (Whew! Saved!)
Euty
**
Listen, pal. Adams answers the questions; I give bad advice.
I’m going to have to move your thread.
However, my advice to a fool who has fallen in love? Double-cross your local loan shark instead. It’s a little less painful and doesn’t cost you as much.
Brynda:
**
It’s a common misconception that the way to get ahead is to sleep with your boss. You’ll gain more respect and admiration in your office if you sleep with all of your co-workers, starting at the bottom of the command chain and working your way up.
Start with that guy who’s missing teeth who walks around with a dust broom but never seems to be cleaning anything.
I’m a poor student about to turn 18. My mom and dad want to kick me out of the house because I’m porking my neighbor’s dog. The hamster is getting jealous of the whol incident and is looking for a decent contract. He’s looked in the Yellow papers, but Killers R Us is too expensive, and McDonalds is too high in cholesterol. I’m not concerned about the hamster, because the friend of my teacher’s uncle’s nephew’s daughter-in-law’s father’s brother is a guy having a really cheap garage sale and is selling automatic weapons at wholesale prices. I’m worried that these guns might be lemons, so I’m thinking of just buying that used goldfish bowl to wash my laundry in. I’ve got my colors and I’ve got my whites. What should I do?
I think my relationship needs a bit more spice in the bedroom. It’s always been a fantasy of mine to use a strap-on on my significant other–a bit of role-reversal might do the trick. I don’t know what he’d think of the idea, though, and I’m not sure how to bring it up, so to speak. Any suggestions?
**
Your fellow Michiganians will appreciate you more if you do different themed rooms. Have a Colorado Avalanche room, a Dallas Stars room, a St. Louis Blues room. Build a shrine to Claude Lemieux while you’re at it. Then invite those die-hard Wings fans over to admire your NHL savvy!
Zenster:
**
Winos need love, too. If the washer’s a rockin’ I won’t bother knockin’!
P.S. - The “delicate cycle” is what you whiny gals use to wash clothes when your deluded minds lead you believe you are suffering from the mythical malady of PMS.
P.P.S. - Never reheat a TV dinner more than a dozen times unless it hasn’t been refigerated. And don’t forget to transfer it to a metal tray before putting it in the microwave.
Jodi-
**
The new “thang” in social circles is to wear the toothpicks and drink umbrellas in your hair. It lets everyone know how much fun you’re having. Give it a whirl at your next formal gathering!
poopah chalupa:
**
Seafood, like fine wine, is best if it’s left to breathe for several hours at room temperature, raw. It’s hard to tell if salmon is “good” until after the fact. You also have to eat a great deal of it to get a full appreciation. So, load up!
Yes. Over and over and over. People will never get tired to seeing you/hearing you do that.
When you think it’s getting old, remember, it’s all in your head. People still want to see you/hear you do that many, many more times. In exactly the same way.
Sounds like an excuse to bump that Satan thread… not that **I’m ** going looking mind you!
1965: Pope Paul VI issued a decree absolving Jews of collective guilt for the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, Winston Churchill and Malcolm X died – the latter assassinated, Sound Of Music the movie, “Lost in Space" starts on TV, Trigger - the golden palomino horse of Roy Rogers – died
**
You know how some incidents can be so maddening, all involved just end up laughing and smiling about it? (I think I saw it in a commercial once for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.)
Anyway, this event doesn’t quite reach that threshold. As the guy is leaving the house, take a sledgehammer and really bash his car up, making sure he sees it’s you. And point out the irony to him that you dinged his car, of all people’s, as you’ve been donging his wife and daughter for some time.
It’s sure to transform into a moment of levity after that.
Monster104:
Take more of the brown acid. In greater quantities, this time.
Drain Bead:
**
Little known fact: Heterosexual men love to have long, penis-like objects rammed up their asses!
Your best approach would be not to bring it up at all. Catch him unawares, to the hilt, without lubrication. He’ll appreciate the element of surprise.
As an added touch, videotape the episode and share it with his buddies. It’s sure to be a light-hearted bonding moment for him and them.
Ell:
**
Try Lawrence Welk reruns on Public Television. It’s hard to come back from being that close to the edge.
**
An easy solution to that. Pick a guy at random and follow him morning, noon and night. Talk to him as though you have been romantically involved for years. Even nag him. Guys love that. He’ll be your’s in no time.
Monster104:
**
Pull down your pants and squat over a walnut for about 24 hours. This works most effectively when done in a public park.
Duke:
**
I don’t know. I’m suing Al Gore for causing repetitive motion injury on my ear drums.
In the meantime, sue your state lottery. Tell them you intended to pick the correct numbers for last Saturday’s drawing, but you found the lotto form confusing.
I followed your advice to the letter, but some freaky old lady called the cops and now I’m stuck in jail for some stupid reason. What, can’t a guy get a weasel outta his ass these days? Anyways, I’m stuck here. What should I do?
