Get Bad Advice from Milossarian

Need help with a dating dilemma? Got a family situation that would make Jerry Springer blush? Unrolling a new interior decorating scheme?

Are you tired of having total strangers spend their lunch hours thinking of solid, good, time-tested advice for you? Are you close to hitting bottom, but just need directions to get you through the home stretch?

Then step right up, boys and girls of MPSIMS. The brilliant and handsome Milossarian, author of A Boy’s Guide to Hugs, Why Does My Kitty Cat Make that Noise?, and What You Should Wear With Those Pants will give you the worst advice you’ve ever received on almost any topic. No problem is too mundane, personal, or sensitive.

Milo holds a PhD in reverse psychology, with significant undergraduate work in irony.

Should I?

I’m thinking about masturbating this evening. What wine goes with that?

Hey, Milo!

Even though the affair’s over, I’m thinking about telling my wife about it anyway. You agree?

To get the ball rolling…

This guy asked me to go out with him this weekend. The problem is, I’m really poor until I get paid next week - I don’t have the money to go anywhere, and can’t even make a token offer to pay my own way. Should I wait to go on the date until I am flush? I let him pay for my dinner and movie, does that mean I owe him sex?

I gave blood today, and they said I should avoid heavy lifting for the rest of the day. Exactly how heavy does something have to be for it to be considered “heavy lifting”?

They also said I should drink lots of non-alcoholic fluids. What do you recommend?

Dear Milo,
My bartender last night suggested that I should “get a life”. Do you agree and further, why?

Hi Milo!

My girlfriend and I are going to have a couple weeks off in July or August, and are looking for the perfect vacation spot. We’ll have a bit of money saved up by then, and were thinking Belize; but I’m wondering, what would you recommend?

Milo, I have a page-a-day calendar at work. On Fridays, should I look ahead at Saturday and Sunday, since I won’t be here to look at them? Or wait until Monday and read them “late?” Reading ahead feels like cheating, but I worry I’ll miss out on something timely if I wait until Monday. Or should I start working over the weekends so I don’t have this problem?

Dear Milo,

I’m thinking of buying a new car. Instead of yet anither Euro-Pussified Economy Box, I’m in the market for the Baddest Murriken V8 Gas Guzzlah there is. I really dig lowriders, and don’t give a rats ass about cornering stability. What would you recommend?


p.s. I also have this weird copper coloured rash on my scrotum. You reckon some steel wool would take care of it?

Dear Milo,

I know this is a topic near and dear to your heart. How much should I drink at the next DopeFest? And what specifically should I drink? At the first one, I had 4 splits of champagne, 2 or 3 rum and cokes, and a couple of shots of something I can’t remember. At the second one, I had 7 shots of tequila and a couple of glasses of champagne. I had a fine time at both, was sober by the time I left for home, and did not hurl.




I have recently purchased a twenty-five pound Mongolian Snapping Turtle, and installed it in my terrarium. Though I have been assured that it is alive (something about “shagged out after a long squawk”) it has yet to peek out of its shell. I have been advised that waggling some sort of bait in front might draw it out for a good snap.

Now, as it happens, I am male…

Dear Milo,

What is this “life” thing. Where do I download it from? Will it run on my computer?

Dear Milo,

I've been thinking of hosting an orgy. What is the proper lubricant? Also, what are your thoughts on handcuffs and other restraints?


ps- I’m having PMS. Do you have any cures?

Dear Mr. Bad Advice Guy:

I suffer from extreme PMS. Cramps, bloating, bad attitude, you name it, I’ve got it.

My question is this: next time PMS time rolls around, should I drink the entire bottle of white grenache in one long, slow guzzle, or should I just do wine shooters?


PS–and does my butt look too big in these jeans?

PPS: Is it a bad thing when two Dopers are cycling at the same time?

(Hi andygirl! :D)


Why do fools fall in love?




I am thinking of sleeping with my boss to get ahead. What do you think–good idea or not?


PS It might be helpful to know that my boss is a televangelist.

Dear Milo,

I’m thinking of redecorating my home in a Red Wings motif. Should I go with the colors of the home jersey, or the colors of the away jersey?

Dear Milo,

For my fortieth birthday I gave my mother a very special present last week. I moved out. Now I am starting to run low on underwear and socks. Is it true that you can just turn them inside out and use them a second time? Can I just soak them in bleach and wear them again, or do I have to learn how operate that scary machine down in the basement where the wino hangs out?

Confused in California

PS: What does “delicate cycle” mean and should I throw in a tampon when I use that setting?

PPS: How many times can you reheat a TV dinner?