Bad Advice Thread

Since I don’t know nuffin’ ‘bout nuffin’, I decided to start a thread in which you can pose questions to me, and I will offer dreadful advice. The answers will be wrong, ill-informed, or just plain stupid. I reserve the right to answer correctly in the unlikely event that I do happen to have some knowledge. Others are welcome to add their own advice, of course.

I’m 22 and pregnant with my 6th child. Unmarried and on the crack. On the verge of homelessness and I don’t know who my baby’s daddy is.

What should I do?

When the cops pull you over for speeding, ask them “Why don’t you just go and catch some real criminals?” - They’ll feel guilty at having wasted your time and will let you off the ticket.

Hmm, tough one. It does strike me that this could be a golden opportunity. After all, if you don’t know who the daddy is, it could be anyone, yes? I’d suggest you go and fuck a rich guy before you start to show. Then you can assert that he is the father, and he’ll probably just accept it rather than face an embarrassing paternity suit.

Regarding the crack, get into dealing now! The profit will help you support your family, and the IRS can’t touch a penny.

I find myself often accused by friends, family and coworkers to have a major problem with gambling, alcohol abuse, and personal hygeine. While I disagree with them, my parents have offered to pay me a significant sum of money ($10,000) to enter rehab. Should I take them up on this offer? (I’m pretty sure I could take their little sum of money and turn it into millions with my slots system!)

Go for it! You’ll know, from experience, that when you gamble you always win! So take the $10,000 to Vegas. When you come back you’ll be able to pay for the rehab and have a nice little nest-egg when you get out.

If your parents want to pay the money direct to the rehab rather than to you, well, screw’em. You have a dead cert here.

A few weeks ago I was on a US Airways flight, and when I lowered my tray table, I found there was an advertisement on it; a bright pink advert for Pepto-Bismol, shouting at me that it could help with my ‘traveler’s diarrhea’, if only I’d let it.

Well, having to look at this monstrosity for two hours really ticked me off. I was thinking about writing a letter to Customer Relations, but I’m sure they’d just throw it in the bin after laughing over it. So, what do you recommend?

My dog attacks the vacuum cleaner every time I take it out. Not just barking, but biting it and pulling on it - like she’s battling some beast. How can I stop her before she ruins my vacuum?

My wife just went to the store. What should I do while she’s gone?

Bet on Michigan.

Remember, always lift with your back, not with your legs.

I recommend taking out your own ads on the plane. Advising passengers to defecate in the aisles would be a surefire way to make certain that our bowel difficulties are never mentioned on aircraft ever again.

Instead of taking your dog to a secure location when she needs to do her business, use the vacuum cleaner to empty her bowels. I think it’s safe to say the dog will not hassle the vacuum any more.

Oh, this is too easy. What do you think the internet is for? Intelligent conversation?

I took your advice. While I was looking at the, uh, art, something came up that said “would you like to install the program formatcdrive.exe?”. Should I?

Oh yes, certainly. It will remove all the evidence, and your wife will never know that you were flirting with Big Bertha and her Amazing Mobile…Earlobes.

Dear Paul.
Now that I’m an adjunct professor at a small, bucolic college in the midwest, I’m ready to avail myself of the considerable freshman poontang that is (so I’m told) practically a birthright of the male faculty. I mean, why the hell else would I spend $16,000 on graduate school at a third-rate university, you know what I’m saying? Well, as it happens, a busty and gorgeous young thing named Tiffani has offered herself to me in exchange for the usual two-grade bump, which is the going rate for prime 18-year-old nooky on our campus. My dilemma is, should I bend Tiffani over the desk in the lecture hall after class and just pork her right there, or should I take her to a nice motel on the outskirts of town and bang her several times? The end result will be the same – her grade will only come up to a C+.

Hmm. Now this is a tough one. Lemme think.

OK, here we go. I go with the motel. It will illustrate that you are a class act. Hell, those Red Roof Inns are cool and impressive. She will be pleasantly surprised. A man who could take her to such an impressive venue is obviously a man worth many blow jobs. Take her to McDonalds if you want extra credit.

Further credit would be added, from my POV, if you lend Tiffani to my wife and I. We could boost her grades, I think.

Dear Paul:
I stole $100,000 in unmarked bills from the neighbor’s garage next door. Oh, the neighbors are Columbian mafia drug dealers.
How long should I wait to buy the new Porsche and an 84 inch flat screen television, and do you think they will be suspicious?
Is there any downside to this?

Dear Paul,

I recieved an urgent email from Dkembe Smith in Nigera concerning a wonderful investment opportunity. I accepted his generous offer and sent him the required “trust money”. I hope it got there before his situation worsened as I haven’t heard from him for a few weeks.

My question is, should I let my friends and family in on this blessed opportunity without asking Brother Smith, or is it wiser to send him more of my own money in their name as time is of the essence? He only asked for $25,000 USD, but if I sell my car and cash in the bonds my folks bought me, I’m sure I can raise over $50,000. I’m know they will happily pay me back out of their cut when the deal is complete. I think it would make a nice birthday gift for Mom, so a quick answer is much appreciated.

Thanks in advance!