If you’re struggling with a dilemma, this is the thread for you. Just post it here, and I (and other posters, if they so desire), will provide you with [sub] questionable, illogical, and possibly contradictory[/sub] strategies to tackle your problems. A bit of upfront advice for all: You should definitely [sub]not[/sub] follow any instructions you’re given here. If two posters disagree on how to solve your problem, just do both things, preferably at the same time.
All right, who’s up first?
Dear Omega Glory,
Should I have an affair with my co-worker? I know adultery is wrong, but this girl is totally hot.
Yeah, hi. First time, long time. So, I’m thinking of retiring in four years. Should I retire in four years at the twenty year mark? Or stick it out another ten and retire at thirty? I’m in Illinois, if that makes any difference. Thanks.
He’s right—she’s way hot. Should I fight him for her?
Well her level of hotness would have been my first question, but since that’s been answered… Dude, you should totally hit that. But forget skulking around in seedy hotels, or the back seat of your car. Just move her right on in! I’m sure the wife’ll be happy to have more time to cook and clean once the other girl’s taking care of your other needs.
Scruloose,
Forget about retirement. Just stop going starting tomorrow. You’re wasting precious time that could be spent watching Jerry Springer. Plus, ask yourself, do you really *need * money or is it just your western greed talking. I think we both know the answer to that one. Oh yea, Illinois? No good. Move to Nigeria. I think certain things are legal there that are frowned on here nudge wink
Subterraneanus, Four words. Threesome + Video camera + YouTube.
Omega Glory,
I need advice. I am torn between two career options. One, I don’t like, but it’s a fast track to study for, and makes money, guaranteed. The other I love but it’s complicated to get trained for and I may never make much moeny. How does one decide between what one loves and what one needs?
I got your question right here, buddy!
Dear Scruloose,
You’ve been working for 16 years at the same place? In Illinois!? You’ve gotta be out of your mind! Take my advice: just saunter into work tomorrow naked as the day you were born. This should, of course, get you fired–unless, of course, you happen to be an exotic dancer, in which case I would recommend sauntering in in sweatpants over jeans and three parkas… mmm… parkas…
Now where was I? Oh, right, you’re fired now.
So now, of course, is the time to reap the glorious benefits of the unattached Illinoisan! I’m speaking, of course, of buried treasure. First you’ll need a shovel or two. These, of course, can be had at your finer hardware stores. (Curvy metal bit on a long wooden bit, ask if you can’t find one.) Then, of course, you’ll need some authentic treasure-digging apparel. Standard gimmerdasher boots and fordlither pants are, of course, a must. These can be found, of course, at your standard Treasury Pete’s Assorted Clothings or maybe a Burial Barn. Once you’re there you can, of course, ask the salesperson to show you where to find the rest of your ensemble. I’m talking about, of course, the proper shirt, jacket, hat, krevlacki, lard candles, and support hoses.
Last of all you will, of course, need a Peruvian Treasure Sniffling Monkey-Goat. These rare beasts will, of course, show you exactly where the treasure is buried by baying incessantly and making suggestive pantomimes to fail old women. Of course, Peruvian Treasure Sniffling Monkey-Goats are rather expensive, so I do hope you haven’t done anything rash like get yourself fired recently.
So now, of course, you’re ready to set out on an exciting life treasure recovery, your lard candle sputtering in the wind, your monkey-goat thrusting its pelvis at your grandmother, and your shovel (you were, of course, able to aquire one? they’re such hard to find items these days) slung across your back.
Best of Luck, Of Course,
Aioua
Treasure Hunter Extraordinare, Second Class
What is it with all you people and jobs? I have no idea why the belief that able bodied adults are supposed to have sources of income has become so widespread. But if you insist,
Anaamika, Take the fun job, and sell plasma for extra income. If that doesn’t pay the bills I"m sure you’ve got other valuable assets, if you get my drift. Panhandling is also a viable option, and I hear you can get day old baked goods free at Walmart!
LOUNE, If you insist on embracing greedy western values, then take the job. But here’s the thing: Have the suckers you sell to make the checks payable to you. Cash the checks and keep the merchandise! You can sell the same stuff over and over again. If you get caught, don’t be afraid to use force to fight your way out, then cross the border into Canada. You’ll be home free man. ETA: Use your time in the field to case the sucker’s homes for valuables.
Yeah…yeah! That’s the ticket! Keep the merchandise!
So Aioua, do those Peruvian goat-thingys come in different colors or what? Can I get one to match my outfit? Can you treasure hunt in Nigeria?
Of course, of course, and of course.
Kids these days… always asking the most obvious questions, of course.
So, in preparation for pitching a book manuscript to publishers, should I take the thesis manuscript and do a full-on deep structural revision and face hard questions about what the object of study REALLY is and shit like that, or should I shrug and do a cosmetic and superficial revision, fixing typos and making things sound pretty and digestible to the masses and just ship it out ASAP and see if anyone will accept my flawed, twisted baby?
I just paid off my car (Finally!, WOOHOO!!!), and i’m currently basking in the glow of No Car Payment Nirvana (even though i’m now the proud owner of a base model '02 Dodge Neon with around 93,000 miles on it)
the car runs well, is extremely reliable, and gets reasonable fuel mileage (30-40 MPG depending on my driving style/conditions), and most importantly, it’s paid for
So, what vehicle should i trade it in for, i was thinking maybe a Diesel VW Golf III, and convert it to Biodiesel, to extend the virtual middle finger to Opec, Bush, the Saudis, Halibuton, Major League Baseball, and the CIA Spy sattelite that’s spying on my brain?
I’ve heard that Hummer H2’s are a popular choice here… <evil grin> how many should i finance?
MacTech, I would have thought the answer to your question would be obvious.
Since the car is PAID FOR, you can do anything you want to it!
Rip out the interior and put in a roll cage and a racing seat with a 6 point harness.
Then do a 3" body lift and put 31" mud tires on it.
Step 3, paint it to look like the General Lee.
YEE HAW!
So, I’ve got a couple of questions that I’d like to put to our community, but they’re a bit…awkward. Basically, I’d rather not have my name on the posts. Do you think anyone would mind if I registered a second account here?
capybara the obvious solution is not turning it in at all. Have you given one inkling of thought to what you’re setting yourself up for here? All the sleepless nights wondering if people are going to think it’s good enough. Or, God forbid, having Oprah like it and put it on her book club list? Do you *really * want to subject yourself to Oprah??? Books are a thing of the past anyway dude. What you need to do is get in the the pyschic advisor business. For the low price of $199, I’ll tell you how to get started.
MachTech, you know they do make stretch hummers right? As for financing, forget that. Just “borrow” one long term. Plus, women really dig hummers. They’ll be all over you in that thing.
Hal, we all know this is related to your romantic predeliction to the common hoofed Ovine, there’s no point in trying to deny it…
however, if you MUST create another account (or two), why not something simple and catchy like;
notsirB laH
or even;
I Am Not Hal Briston, Really!
or;
Baaaaaaa!
either one should adequitly disguise your online identity
Hal, people are leery of guests who ask personal questions. So you probably won’t get any quality advice. Here’s what you do: 1. Befriend a long time doper who doesn’t have internet access at work. 2. Install a keystroke logger on the doper’s computer while he’s occupied. 3. Use your newly obtained password to post your questions as soon as you know the other guy won’t be able to get online for several hours. By the time he gets home and finds out that his name’s been hijacked, you’ll have your answer. Voila!
Dear Omega Glory,
My father-in-law is celebrating a milestone birthday this month, so we spent quite a bit of time finding a special gift for him. Last night, I got an email from my sister-in-law telling me that “we” bought him a group gift (news to me) and informing me how much (exorbitant amount) we owe.
My questions are 1. What should we do about this? and 2. How would this play before a jury?